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Anyone have any suggestions on how to forgive yourself?

#1
I know everyone here knows my story...I did some mean stuff to a person I love (not physical but nonetheless mean) after I suffered trauma. I can only explain my out of characteristic actions as being as a result of the trauma. I have been forgiven but simply cannot forgive myself and ruminate about the event daily. I am doing erp therapy. Have only started so I can’t say whether itis going to be effective or not.
that being said, has anyone ever hurt anyone and have been able to move on and forgive themselves? If so, how? Thanks.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#2
Much of it is allowing and willing yourself to forgive yourself and moving on. Other may already have done that for you and bear no grudge. I have hurt, both physically and otherwise. The physical part was easy to move on because of situations. The other part not so much.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
if you are truly remorseful and have moved on then it should be easy to forgive yourself. we all make mistakes. and your friend already forgave you. yes i have done that and after making everything ok with my friend forgave myself for my mistake. maybe do something nice like inviting your friend to dinner or taking them to dinner out. only you can forgive yourself...mike...*hug*shake
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Start with self compassion. If what happened was the other way around, would you want him to feel how you feel right now?

I'm guessing that is an absolute, no. That is the last thing you would want.

Start within, do some self compassion exercises. Forgiving yourself might be very difficult but not impossible so keep fighting, ok? *hug
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#5
My mind picks up a subject and turns it around and around in my head at work. It is not as much of a problem on the weekends when I am enjoying myself. I do routine work, takes half a brain, and the other half is thinking about this thing I did. Now when that happens I have a song, a little ditty or whatever, that I hum and run through my head instead of the hate. I switch my brain from the hate to the ditty. I pick out a different one every week, songs or stuff that we used to sing as kids. Your brain is an amazing thing. It will remember everything you ever did and bring it back to accuse you. I hope you do better with this, hugs to you. *hug
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
I can only explain my out of characteristic actions as being as a result of the trauma.
I think that's it, and that you have directed your disgust and anger stemming from the trauma inwards on yourself. You can't accept the forgiveness of the person you hurt because the bad feelings are still there from the prior trauma. I feel you need to express in therapy your anger and disgust with whoever hurt you as part of your healing process. It has to come out before you can let it go.
 
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#7
I think that's it, and that you have directed your disgust and anger stemming from the trauma inwards on yourself. You can't accept the forgiveness of the person you hurt because the bad feelings are still there from the prior trauma. I feel you need to express in therapy your anger and disgust with whoever hurt you as part of your healing process. It has to come out before you can let it go.
You are very right Lara. It is all just so difficult. My trauma occurred a week before my son‘s wedding. I was at such a good place in my life, physically and mentally, at that time and then it all fell apart. To think now I pray to make it through every day is unreal to me....if only I could explain how I was before. To think I am at this point is simply mind boggling to me. Those who know me would be shocked if they knew what I have brewing inside. I keep thinking that I will awaken from the nightmare.....thank you for your kindness....
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#8
Healing can be a long process unfortunately but please keep going and hold onto a shred of faith that you are in the process of healing and things will get better. You're holding so much pain inside and it has to come out to be let go. It's sounds like you may find it very hard to accept the presence of negative thoughts and feelings and try to repress them instead of expressing them/letting them out. It's the job of your therapist to create a space where you feel safe to unburden your self fully. Do you feel you are building trust in your therapist?
 
#9
Healing can be a long process unfortunately but please keep going and hold onto a shred of faith that you are in the process of healing and things will get better. You're holding so much pain inside and it has to come out to be let go. It's sounds like you may find it very hard to accept the presence of negative thoughts and feelings and try to repress them instead of expressing them/letting them out. It's the job of your therapist to create a space where you feel safe to unburden your self fully. Do you feel you are building trust in your therapist?
You are such a kind soul. What happened to me resurrected old childhood wounds, some of which may seem downright silly to some people. I am embarrassed by much of my story. I will give you a short version. I was verbally abused and ridiculed as a child over my weight, my hair, etc. My appearance was physically altered right before the wedding by the person who hurt me. I cannot stand to look at the pictures. I then was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that alters my facial features, swells my hands, etc.. All this led me to do uncharacteristic things....
I look at my husband and children and cannot stand the thought of hurting them by hurting myself but my God, how long can someone go on like this. Oh, and all this happened right when I retired...literally months after.
so much for my short version. And I do like my therapist very much. Unfortunately, she is very expensive so I can only go bi weekly. I really should go every week. Thank you for listening.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
You have been through so much, and your childhood experiences are another layer of hurt you need to get out. I'm glad you have people around you who love you no matter how you look. I really feel the feelings of self hatred and disgust caused by what was done to you are stopping you from seeing yourself as you really are, as they do. The hatred and disgust you feel should be directed at the people who hurt you, not at yourself, and when you allow yourself to feel it, you will be able to heal better. Disgust with the people who treated you so badly precedes detachment . You won't care anymore about what happened and you will find yourself again. You CAN be whole.
 
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