Anyone mind listening to me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Don't Follow, Jan 21, 2009.

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  1. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    I don't want to be an attention hog, as there are much more severe and important posts and cases in this forum apart from mine, but I just wanna get this out and if anyone reads this, well thank you for your time.

    I had an image set in my mind of what I was gonna be when I grew up, and I basically lived up to that image. I wanted to be the loner who sacrificeed his own happiness for others, but I never counted on it being so hard on me :tongue:

    After all these years, a pattern has emerged.

    I always end up hurting myself one way or the other, be it through relationships or health problems, the end result is always the same.

    All my relationships have ended the same way, I just somehow realised that the girl was way too good for me and/or I already had feelings for another and I couldn't go out with another girl at the same time. And the same thing has happened now, but a very strange thing has also happened. This girl I have my heart set on is much too better for me, but I can't get her out of my head. My more rational side tells me that it'll get better and I'll get over her, but seriously I just can't find anyone who even gets close to nearing her beauty.

    But I know that nothing's gonna happen with her, and I won't feel right getting into anything while she's still on my mind. So there go relationships.

    My relationship with my parents is rocky at best, they get to me at the best of times and I just wanna be left alone. I know it's jusy angst talking, but try telling that to my hormones at the time :tongue:

    I say I don't wanna be touched, but I long for human contact. To feel that someone gives a shit about me, an is not too disgusted to touch me.

    I know many other people feel the same way I do, and I belive that the stuff I'm feeling is a thing everyone goes through, it's not my burden alone.

    If I had a gun, I would have blown my head off a long time ago, but now hanging is the only rational choice I have left.

    I don't want sympathy, I don't want adive (or maybe I do, I don't really trust what I feel) but I just want anyone who cared enough to click this thread to just read through the shit.

    I know it's really not enough info, but I don't know what too add, I'm not too bright you see :tongue:

    Anyways, good day to all.
     
  2. funkyfrog

    funkyfrog Member

    Hey, welcome to the forum. I note you signed up in December but have only recently posted, I hope nothing prevented you from posting earlier should you have wanted to.

    In many ways, I am entirely opposite to you, but I think that's what has drawn me to your post, because I've come from where you're at. You haven't given any clue to your age, and I assume you're male, but in any case your problem is pretty clear; you're utterly lacking in confidence.

    I'm lucky enough to have found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and while I can't promise the same will happen to you soon, either with this girl you mention, or someone else, it will happen. I wish I could explain what changed in me to turn me from an insecure loner to who I am now (and it's still not perfect, paranoia is something I live with daily) but all I know is that with patience, good friends and a little bit of luck, you'd be surprised how well things can work out. Feel free to post back, send me a private message, or add me to MSN (mail@NOSPAMcuckoo.mobi - remove the NOSPAM)

    All the best,

    Paul
     
  3. Altruist

    Altruist Active Member

    hang in there :smile:
     
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am new too. i know how it feels to want someone to give a s*** about you. and i also know how it feels to want to express yourself, and know that someone is listening, and/or reading. i don't want to give advice, because i have made so many mistakes, myself. one thing i have learned though, (i'm 45! ancient!) by being older and being a parent, is that i could have trusted my own parents more when i was younger. i didn't realize how much they really loved me. i hope you know how much your parents must love you and not wanting anything to happen to you.

    as a mom, i just want to reach out and give you a hug. . and tell you to hang in here with all us other mistake-making imperfect humans. at least all of us on this forum. . .. i think . . . . own up to our imperfections and mistakes! at the end of the day, maybe we are more 'sane' than the rest of the world. . . you can write to me anytime. i promise to read through all your stuff! :hug:
     
  5. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    No pun intended?

    I think I know where you're coming from. Funkyfrog makes some good points. Things can come around, change for the better when you least expect them - especially in cases like yours, where you can move things in the right direction by working on yourself, putting yourself out there in the right placed. It is largely under your control...

    It's great that you want to put others before yourself with your life, but there's no need for you to be a loner to make others happy. If you are enjoying your life and in good company, the positives will work in the favor of the people you care about too.
     
  6. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel that she's too good for you?

    I'm kind of in the same situation as you, I know what it feels like to not be good enough =/ I can't offer you much advice except for, work at your self-esteem and build up your confidence.

    Have you told her how you feel?

    :hug:
     
  7. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    Thanks for the replies guys, you made me smile :smile:

    You're right funkyfrog, at the end of the day it just boils down to confidence issues. And I think I know where that came to be. See I believe that the formative years of our life influnce us the most and develop our personality to a large degree. So I got to thinking about my early childhood, and then I started putting the pieces together so as to say.

    Working parents, lack of attention, only child, you get the picture. Add to that the fact that my mum always stood up for my uncle (who had a habit of making fun of me really bad) whenever me and him used to get in a quarrel. So it was always like, "Don't you love me as much as you love him, mum?"

    I was a shy kid, didn't have any friends, but never really needed them 'cause I had books and comics and my own world in my head.

    But after reaching the teenage years, I started feeling the pangs of being a social outcast. People would be playing games and stuff while I would sit on the benches coming up with plots for world domination (PM for details :tongue:)

    So yeah now I'm the odd one out. I don't fit in.

    And this girl, well her story is a lot like mine, and that is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place. Only difference is that she has a large social network and I'm as popular as a hobo with skin disease. And I know that I've been friendzoned. But she still gives those hints sometimes, and my over excited and hopelessly romantic mind takes those hints as signs.

    This wouldn't have bothered me that much if I had a few friends and went out every now and then, but I don't have friends and I can't really be arsed to make the effort of going out every now and then.

    ...Am I making the same point over and over again?

    Travelling is my meditation. On the highway I feel at home. But due to educational commitments, I have to stay here for a while.

    But hey, it could be worse. I could have burned my pants while ironing them! :eek:hmy:

    And thanks to everyone who took the time to see this and reply. Remind me to add you to my 'Lieutenants' list when I get through with my manical plans...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2009
  8. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    You seriously sound like the kind of guy who is going to be showing up at the high school reunion as the success story if you hang in there.
     
  9. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    Hello Don't Follow.

    You seem to have a good sense of humour. 'Lieutenants' list, ha ha ha.

    There is your problem, and in my opinion, a big contributory factor to your feelings and lack of confidence as an adult.

    What to do? Well, as has probably been said before, you need to reinforce a different pattern of thinking. Instead of "I'm not good enough" which is being constantly reinforced, try replacing it everytime with "I'm strong in my independance". Replace the negative message with a positive one.

    At first this will seem alien and you will not believe it. But if your parents never instilled the right level of confidence, you will have to do it for yourself now. It is not impossible, and, I am testimony to positive thinking working, with regards to self image and self worth issues. I used to put too much meaning on women's opinions of me, until I got older and realised we all have faults and started focusing more on my strengths and attributes.

    The pain of broken romance, unrequited love and dependance on women to make you feel good will keep working negatively until you possess the right level of love within yourself, for yourself. It is generally a mistake to rely on external sources, such as women, to make you who you are, to love you, and to be there until you do that for yourself.

    Instead of feeling overwhelmed at such a task, feel positive and rise to the challenge. You'll get there. It might take some time and Rome was not built in a day but surely it must make you feel positive to realise that you can actually do something about it. Just reinforce a positive spin on every message you tell yourself about yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable and pointless at first. Eventually it will become the norm and it will show in your confidence, which, women will pick up on.

    Some may not, but they may not be healthy women themselves. Some will though. You just need time. Also, think positively about your educational commitments. Education is always a positive thing and you sound as if your sense of humour is good. Focus on that too.
     
  10. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    You know I never really thought about it like that, but I guess I do have a dependency on women's approval of me. And I guess I can relate that to the craving of approval and affection from my mom's side (I'm not saying she was totally ignorant of me. She's an good parent, just that sometimes her decisions affected me in a negative way).

    And yes, you are also right the in the fact that I love independence. I love cooking for myself, bathing myself and sleeping with myself (it sounded normal in my head :tongue:), but currently I have to live with my parents.

    But sometimes I have these bouts of depression. And I think many people can relate with feelings of suicide and self destruction that that brings on.

    I have a whole diary filled with entries by me about how I'm gonna live for another week and then bam, end of story. But I never can really do it. Maybe because I'm a coward (I am) or something else is holding me back, I don't know.

    But thanks for the advice man, once I become emperor of the world, you can take Canada :biggrin:
     
  11. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    Ha ha ha ha, can I request a slightly smaller but more hostile country? I want France.

    But yes, more seriously, it is my guess you're looking for the approval of girls as a way of sub consciously compensating for the lack of approval from your mother as a child. This is what we do. We look for things in romantic partners that we relate in some way to our parents.

    Sometimes people seek for something they were denied as children, others seek out partners which share characteristics of our parents.

    Usually if the parent did a good job, the child will seek partners in adult life similar to this due to examples set in a positive way. Often, if the parent did a bad job in some ways, the child will seek a compensation for that (or sometimes not, sometimes they seek out a copy of that), until they realise what they're doing, become aware of it, and set to change it, which, is not beyond anybodys capability.

    It is more complicated than this when you start going very specifically into a persons life and finding out all the facts, but in a general sense what I've outlined above does genrally apply overall. It all depends how deep you want to take it all. It can be depressing but I believe you become stronger in the long run the deeper you go. But reading your posts I do believe that you're seeking what you didn't get as a child.

    Can I have Botswana too?
     
  12. KDXer

    KDXer Member

    Oh me me ME ME !!! I call dibbs on Australia ?!?!:laugh::biggrin:
     
  13. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    That would be the tits if somebody from this forum took over the world and spread the wealth among the forum participants. Seriously people, if we couldn't find a way to be happy then...

    By the way, I call dibs on Antarctica.
     
  14. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    You guys are a greedy bunch :tongue:

    Ok so I've been kinda with this other girl (by which I mean we have met up twice and we generally talk through texts and ocassionally phone conversations) and I've been feeling like I'm cheating on her 'cause I still have strong feelings for this other girl who's friendzoned me. So yeah I'm breaking up with her.

    I feel weird. I mean I wish her all the best in life and I'll in no way feel jealous if she gets with a another dude (when the other girl even suggests that she's gonna talk to any other guy, I get so jealous I could poop:tongue:). But then I kinda feel lonely, 'cause I know I won't get to talk to her even as much as I used to.

    And the girl I really have my heart set on says we can't talk for a while 'cause she feels guilty for seeing me without telling her parents (long story short, she and her folks had a fight, she called me to do some shopping, we hanged out for like 20 minutes and then we both left), to which also I feel funny. I know I have no chance with her (read : friendzoned) but I still hope...

    ...damn my over romantic and optimistic mind.

    Anyways, I just ranted a lot about my lack of a love life, so please go back to discussing which countries you all would like to have. And no one touch sweden, sweden's mine :biggrin:
     
  15. ergo51

    ergo51 Well-Known Member

    You're right they are a greedy lot.

    I'll just go for a principality, Wales should suffice, just enough room to stretch there. I'll set up my home on the Pembrokshire coast.
     
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