Anyone over 50 been depressed all or most of their lives?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lostjaybee, Mar 5, 2012.

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  1. lostjaybee

    lostjaybee New Member

    Most people's depression seems to come and go or return occasionally but I've been suffering since the age of about 8 but didn't know then what was the matter.

    Is there anyone else out there in later life still afflicted and how much has this 'black dog' affected your life?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think for awhile now since i was a teenager but just started meds now in my old age to try to beat it
  3. Tough times

    Tough times Member

    I'm 47 and have just come to terms with the "black dog" (I didn't know Churchill suffered and called it this until recently).

    I would say depression goes back to about age 10 with me when I wanted to run away from home. At age sixteen I cut my wrists in the bathroom at school. I thought I was going to kill myself that day... the trouble was I didn't know how to cut them. So it ended up being a "cry for attention" to the officials around me. My mother didn't know how to cope with it and so ignored it.

    Not long after that came drug and alcohol abuse that went on for years. Minor drugs - I used to enjoy smoking hash regularly, but I tried them all.

    I gave it up at 24 and didn't drink again for about another ten years. By then I was married and was "enjoying" the world of wine with my husband.

    It took me until two years ago to appreciate that drinking a bottle of wine at once, is alcohol abuse.

    There were bouts of time where I see episode depression now. A few times where I took time away from work and tried some meds and came away thinking something in particular was to blame for why I was feeling down.

    I actually credited myself with being strong enough to get through tough times.

    I see it differently now. Now I see my depression as having been progressing.

    Depression peaked for me so far in January 2010, when I checked myself into the hospital. Hardest thing I've ever done. I've been in a profession for 18 years where I help other people. That I was putting my hand up and saying, "Please help me" was nearly impossible for me.

    At the time my mother and I became bitterly estranged, the seriously dysfunctional relationship I was in since my marriage ended horribly and I lost out on going overseas on a peace-keeping mission in a rather devastating way. To go on that mission had meant I could run away from everything that was going wrong.

    I had been in the recruitment process for nine months of medical, psychological and character testing. I had packed my bags and rented out my house - I was leaving for nine months. Then seven days before in-house training was to begin and two weeks before deployment, I failed a fitness test by 21 seconds.

    My world caved in.

    I wanted to die.

    Depression has been very hard on me since.

    I've been through tough times before. In 2003 my marriage was ending and my grandmother was dying (I grew up in my grandparents house with my mother). The last argument between my ex-husband and I was about my grandmother's funeral. It was the first time in eight years, we actually ever full-blown yelled at each other.

    I didn't think things could be harder than that. But I was wrong. What came later beat me down harder.

    Now what's hard is I've isolated myself.

    I'm 47 with no children and I've only allowed myself one close friend lately.

    She and I had our first argument two weeks ago and I got very dark over it.

    I made a suicide plan. I got all my affairs in order, including drawing up a will and ordering a funeral. I've written a letter and I put the vacuum hose at the door after checking that it will fit on the car.

    In the two years since my breakdown I've done alot of work to self-improve. I took a year off work and went into therapy. I tired three different meds. I've gone to sweat lodges and healing circles. I've explored crystal, light, sound and aroma therapy. And on and on - the list is long.

    And I have felt much better. I even caught myself often just smiling away and not knowing what I was smiling about. I really did reach a point where I thought I was grounded again and coming to a point of inner peace. I thought I was giving myself time to heal. I was waiting for a healed feeling to come over me and then I would move forward in my life. Find someone to be with and live again.

    I was feeling well again. And then Michelle and I had that fight and the black dog bit me. In the ass!

    I'm not sure why I'm still here. Dumb stuff really. The house is on the market and hasn't sold yet and I haven't filed my taxes.

    It's this indifferent feeling that scares me because with it, I've lost the fear to die. And with it comes this feeling that I won't tell anyone just how dark I've become. I refuse to be seen as crying "wolf." So I guess that means I'll suffer with the dog alone.

    I'm trying to find something to hold onto and that's why I'm here on this forum. I haven't tried this before. I worked the night shift last night and listened to an audio book called "Shift happens" by Robert Holden and I am trying to buy into the teachings.

    I feel like I'm on a balance beam and I am fearful. The fear is in knowing that it's likely only something small that will tip my balance from one side to the other right now. I'm either going to step off on the side of living or dying and it will be soon.

    I'm scared of the black dog now. Now that I think I know exactly what it is.
  4. Argyle

    Argyle New Member

    I'm 36. I can't remember being truly happy after age 4 or 5. I know why, but it's not something I ever have, or feel I am capable of discussing. I just joined this forum as an acknowlegement that my life is joyless, directionless and as such unmanageable. I guess this is an attempt to manage it.
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    There was a ton to be depressed about in childhood. Got out of there at 17.. Call it the beast has circled around me for whole darn life.. Awfully close to 65 now.. Been on Ned's for almost 13 Yeats now.. The remeron and trazodone keeps the monster at bay most days till late afternoons.

    Johnny and I take our pills early and soon after run to bed to escape under the blankets.. Wake around midnight or 1am and the world looks friendlier again
  6. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    strangly same for me, late afternoons i start slipping odwn the dark road and take also my meds early to escape the downhill dangers under the blankets but early means waking up in the night whch i hate... then back to bed some till morning sun arise.
    have been ill since childhood so dont know better about life.
  7. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    so that means fourty some years illed but none could figure out what was wrong till late in life. now in my fifties life is worthless and meaningless
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm 55 now and have been depressed for as long as I remember. I remember being left along at age four with my 18 month old sister. I remember her pulling off her diaper and crapping on the floor. I remember pouring powdered milk into a pitcher and going to the bathtub to fill it with water because I wanted milk. I remember Mom coming home from a date and chastising us babies for the house being a mess. I still remember the uncomfortable, shocked look on her date's face.

    Part of my depression is genetic and part is a life of struggling through a crappy life.
  9. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I am 63 and have lived with depression even as a child. It never goes entirely but sometimes it is better than others,at its worst I am suicidal at best I am not too unhappy. i am on medication and at the moment having CBT that I hope will help although it is difficult .
  10. RobertA

    RobertA New Member

    I am 60 and have been depressed for most of my life, despite all type of drugs and ECT. The idea that depression is "treatable" is a gross simplification of a serious illness that causes many people to commit suicide since treatment DID NOT work for them.
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