anyone who is like me here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by History, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. History

    History Well-Known Member

    I'm extremely suicidal and this has been going on for the past two months. Everyday, every hour, every second is a torture to me and I keep thinking of suicidal action i.e. wanting to jump off a building and living like this is a torture and I can't go on living like this. No amount of counselling can change the way I feel and medication doesnt work. I'm so suicidal until I can't concentrate on anything. My elderly parents keep trying to talk me out of it but nothing helps. Although I know the devastating consequences that will happen to them if I were to kill myself, it doesn't stop me strongly wanting suicide. And the feeling of being extremely suicidal really kills me. The urges are so strong and I really want to do it. But I'm scared and worried about my family. I see the look of sadness in my elderly parents eyes and desperation but I still can't control how I feel or get out of it. Nothing interests me at all, really nothing and I don't want to live. Praying to God to take my life away doesnt work and I need to do something. But somehow I keep on living. It's really a torture to be alive like this. I really dont want to live. The only way I can see myself ending my life is through jumping. I researched the various ways but none seem instant unless I jump.But if I were to jump, my badly smashed body will haunt my family. I'm really damned. Cursed is my life and I really need to end it. How can I live on like this? It's killing me.

    I'm beyond help but Is there anyone like me in this forum that can relate about the 24/7 extreme suicidal urges, so much so that it paralyzes everything?

    I am so suicidal that I can't even type much in this forum although I visit here everyday.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I don't think you're beyond help.

    Do you have any idea why you're so suicidal? What's causing you to have all these thoughts and urges?
  3. History

    History Well-Known Member

    it all started when I lost my job then I fell into major depression and became suicidal. I can't find a way out of this and I've turned so suicidal that it isnt about being jobless anymore. It's about me not wanting to life in this world. Nothing gives me any pleasure and living is a torturing hell. Everyday, I think about suicide non-stop so much so that it kills me. The urges doesnt stop. Everything that I see, makes me think of suicide. I dont have access to getting firearms so the only way I could think of is jumping. I'm scared to jump but it seems to be the only way to end my torment. Everyday, I feel like driving to a building to jump nonstop. But I keep thinking of the consequences on my innocent parents. But my urges to kill myself is way to strong that I see no way out. I can't even distract myself from committing suicide. It is just when. There are so many days that I just wanted to get into my car and drive to the building. My suicidal urges are so extreme that I cannot explain it. Is there anyone as suicidal as me here?
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    I spent a long time feeling exactly the same as you describe yourself. Couldn't get anything together and slowly as my life fell apart the urges just got stronger and stronger. Joining the forum has helped me move on from this. The thoughts are still there but I've learnt to fight them thanks to the help and support from people here. Now I take each day as it comes. Each day I survive is a victory. I've started doing as much as I can to keep myself occupied because the worst times are when I just sit there and dwell upon the sadness in my life. Don't give up mate. Things can improve. Best wishes.S.
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Keeping busy definately helps, even if it seems trivial at the time. If it stops you from focusing on the negative, than it no longer is trivial, its a lifesaver, and you should think of it as such. I still have some really depressive days, not to the point of suicide, but a general melancholy that leads me to question why I've woken up some mornings, a real sense of being lost and without purpose.

    But then something happens, and it gives me a little stimulus to carry on, and at least try to have a decent day. I think I will be like this for the rest of my life. I imagine nearly everybody on this forum, a lot of fairly hardcore cases will be like this until the day they die, but it doesnt mean life isn't worth living or you cant enjoy the time you have.

    Just try and do stuff, get out of your comfort zone, go somewhere youve never been, whatever the hell it takes mate basically. I wish you well
  6. History

    History Well-Known Member

    how can i go on living like this when all thats on my mind is killing myself? The mental images of me leaping off a building playing itself non-stop and the urges are overwhelming. Seems like I'm born to be a suicide. I do nothing everyday. Sleep and go to the washroom then lie down again. No motivation to do anything at all. It's crippling and I dont know how long more can I hold on. Everyday is the same thing. I can't even watch TV or read the papers as I have absolutely no interest at all. It's very painful and torturing to go on living like this. How long more can I go on? Everyday, I want to suicide, everyday, every hour every minute. I don't posts much cos I dont even have the strengh to post. I really want to die and how I wish God would take me immediately. I can't live on like this. I'm in Hell. Those suicide methods group in the net, they talk about using chemicals / cocktails which I have no access to. I want to die in a proper manner but I dont even have the means. Jumping is the only option that I have and it's frightening but deep inside me, I know I will die by jumping. It's like I'm destined to be a suicide. I have been suicidal for 5 times in my life and even if this time doesnt take me, the future will. It's like a death sentence. I'm so prepared to leave but yet I dont have the strength to drive to a building. If only someone goes to a building with me and I'll definitely jump. The frightening thought of me plunging to my death makes me sick but what choice do I have? I have no way out. I really dont want to live on like this and God, I hope you hear me. Please end my misery.
  7. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Can I assume because your parents are elderly you are middle aged. I am also middle aged with elderly parents. I have been in and out of suicidal feelings since I was a teenager. You are correct when you say your parents would be hurt. No matter how old they are they never stop being parents. Have you thought about checking yourself into a hospital. Your parents would probably prefer that to your dieing. If you can not give yourself a chance maybe you will give yourself that chance for your parents sake.
  8. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I've been in the same situation as you, and I can tell you that you probably are NOT beyond help! I think you should check in to the hospital... I did that when I was as badly suicidal as you, and being hospitalised saved my life. I'm still suicidal now one year later, but far away from as bad as I was before.
    Good luck
  9. History

    History Well-Known Member

    yes i'm middle aged. late 30s to be precise. I can't continue living feeling like this everyday. The suicidal urges don't stop and nothing comes into my mind except suicide. Some days, I feel slightly better and then the thought of living like this kills me. It's the job loss that started everything and now, I dont even want to work cos all I want is to die. How long can I go on like this?
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Too scared to live and too scared to die. That's where I am. Sounds like where you're at. I think of suicide very often. It's on the backburner 24/7, it sounds like you are going through an extremely difficult time. At least you DID have enough energy, something left in you that led you here and to posting this.
    You say everything reminds you of suicide. Everything is what we make it. I look at everything in this world and it reminds me that I'm alone and everything is dying. But through therapy I've tried to change the way I look at everything. It can be something really simple. Even the clock on the wall. I can look at it one minute and it will say, "You are alone." The next it will say, "I love you." Just think of it this way. Whatever you're doing now is clearly not working. So try thinking another way. Maybe you'll ask what's the use? But there is absolutely nothing to lose now by trying a new way of thinking. Know that you're loved and you're not alone.
    By losing a job and being sent into this depression... it usually doesn't get that bad. Do you think there may be something deeper which could be going on? Have you tried counseling even though you don't think it will help?
    Not having pleasure for anything in this world is not unusual. Some religions try to get to the point where they do not feel pleasure or pain in this world. It may be that nothing in this world CAN bring lasting pleasure. But there is also a peace to be found in accepting that. You're free. You've got suicide on your mind 24/7, so you've got nothing to lose. You can do anything, be anything. It doesn't matter what.

    I'm just throwing a bunch of stuff out there to maybe try to change your mind on things. Getting a good therapist (which could take you through a few) and really being open to his or her advice or just trusting them and having them listen can really be helpful, almost essential to understanding why your feelings are as strong as they are, and alternatives to suicide. And I'm assuming you want, somewhere in there, an alternative, because you came to this pro-life forum and you posted. You could be dead right now but you're not.

    I wish the best for you
    Spencer :heart:
  11. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I feel for you.
  12. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    History. You sound in an awful lot of pain. I recognise this, 'cause I was there too. Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any medication? I'm not a doctor but your posts suggest you are deeply stressed and gone beyond 'snapping out of it' yourself? It's just my opinion.... My experience suggests visiting a doctor as soon as you can. Some anti-anxiety pills and sleeping tabs can be very effective to 'buy you some time'. It IS a long road, but you can't start travelling it in the distress I'm sensing... Suicide Ideation is a 'normal' reaction to extreme stress over a prolonged period of time. It doesn't mean you're gonna do it, but it's ok to think it as long as you know you really don't want to do it. Coming here is testament to the fact that a small part of you at least wants to live.... Please see a doctor. That's all I can say other than there are loads of amazing people here willing to talk etc... please hold on...
  13. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that you are in such intense pain.

    Yes, I do know how you feel and I had a plan a year ago & I went to see my psychiatrist (Pdoc), we talked and he changed my meds.
    It helped. Most important, he listened, understood my pain & didn't judge me.

    I've moved, & see a new Pdoc who also is excellent.

    I am suicidal again and will see him on Wednesday. I will tell him. I know he'll change meds again. I am so very tired & hoping that the meds will work

    If he sends me to the hospital, I will welcome it. There I can obsess about dying all I want and be safe. I won't have to try to contain my desire to rant, rave and punch walls. They won't care if I sleep 14 or 15 hours of the day away because I'm afraid of what I'll do.

    I called the hospital at my Pdoc's instructions to find out how my insurance would work--not that it matters. There's a law in the US that they have to help even if you can't afford it.

    I think he was being Sly so I would have to talk to someone who would explain what will happen if I should need to check in. Very compassionate people. I cried while on the phone and the woman was very kind. They are there because they truly want to save lives and work towards wellness. I'm no longer afraid of the hospital.

    If you have a therapist or Pdoc, please, please go to see him/her.
    If not, Please go to the emergency room and tell them you are suicidal. They will help you. Don't fear that they might transfer you. Most hospitals have rooms for us. If yours doesn't they will transfer you to a place skilled to help folks in our situation.

    I wish you peace and wellness. Hang on with me and all of us on this forum.
    Keep coming back. We have experienced your pain and help each other through. You have friends who care here--friends because we walk in the same shoes.

  14. History

    History Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all ur concerns but I'm beyond help as I've lost total interests in everything. Staying alive in my situation is worse than hell. I've arrived at a situation where being alive is being in hell. How can I go on living when I dont want to live anymore? I already feel different. Today I went to a shopping mall (was forced there by my folks), I just wandered with no direction and no purpose. This is me already. How the hell can I go n living like this? A day in my life is like wake up at 10.30am, rush to the toilet, drop back to bed. Lie down for hours until 3 to 4 pm, get up to go downstairs cos my poor parents will be worried sick. In my mind, I dont even want to go down cos I dont have anything that interests me and I feel really ill from depression. Sit at the family room for a little while, rush back upstairs my room to lie down again. 2 hours later, have dinner with my worried sick parents, then go bck upstairs again to lie in bed. Day in Day out. How long more can 'I go on like this? It is not self imposed cos I dont have any interests to do anything anymore and nothing gives me relief or happiness. I'm as good as dead..and the saddest thing is that my parents keep trying to counsel me but to no effect. This is so fucking sad. I love them so much but I've become the 'perfect suicide candidate'. I am not mentally well already and I'm not getting any better and day after day living like this kills me even further. How long more can I go on?
  15. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    History. You may simply have depression. Often known as "the common cold of mental illnesses". Not trying to underestimate your suffering or the suffering of lots of us here. But. You may have a straightforward case... you could get some anti-ds from the doc and be wonderful and back to yourself. You really need to talk to a doctor, you don't need to be suffering like this...
  16. History

    History Well-Known Member

    and why is it so god damn difficult to commit suicide? Only a few methods and all seems horrible. No gun so not possible. Can't hang myself cos I tried suffocating and i cannot go through with it. Can't OD cos liver failure will lead to 2 weeks of slow agonizing death. Can't slash my arteries cos if I dont die, it would be horrific. Can't drink weedkiller cos it will burn my throat and intestines and die only after a few days of horrific pain. Only way is to jump of a fucking building and honestly, I'm frightened too but what fucking other suicide choices do I have. After being suicidal so many times, I know it's just a matter of time and I will definitely end my life as a suicide. How I wish God would just take me away and spare me the torture of having to end my life myself. I really dont want to live anymore, God, please hear me.
  17. History

    History Well-Known Member

    I have major depression and am extremely suicidal. ADs dont work on me. makes me feel even weirder and zombie-like. Tried Effexor, Remeron, Cymbalta, Zoloft etc, none worked. Now the doc is trying me on Serequel (testing for bipolar since ADs dont work), make me feel even sicker but i took the med religiously for almost a month, tried to cut it off for two days and those two days, I nearly took my life. Totally screwed cos now if i dont take the bipolar med, I will become extremely suicidal. but if i take them, I'm very suicidal but no to the point of taking action and can still hold on. I'm really screwed and there is no other of me.
  18. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    What does the doc say? please listen to the doc if he / she THINKS there MIGHT be a way, surely that's worth trying... how recently have you seen him/her? Sounds like anxiety has gotten the better of you temporarily? are you taking any anti-anxiety pills, sorry I don't recognise a few of your drugs, but I don't think any are specifically anti anxiety. I'm classified major depression and Panic Disorder but I'm actually surviving a bit better than i was, so there MAY be help... put things off for a day..?
  19. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey History,

    I can COMPLETELY identify with how you feel. I could have just as well written this a year or two ago.

    I remember last year, for a while I drove by this bridge every day, and all I could imagine was driving off of it. I could remember each time feeling my hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter each time as if that was the day I was going to do it. I would also at lunch time drive to a quiet place and just sit there, waiting for the moment i was going to kill myself. But luckily that moment never came.

    It also took a while to get my cocktail of meds right. I went through Abilify, Fluanxol, Lamictin, Edronax, Concerta and a few others i can't remember. I am also currently on Seroquel and on Cipralex as well. This final combination has worked really well for me. The most frustrating thing about the whole process is that you can't really judge the medication's effects until you've been on it for at least 6 weeks (some might even take longer). It has happened too many times where I got better for the first few weeks, but started regressing after that to the point where I was severely suicidal again. So please, keep to the meds and be patient. Keep your pdoc updated on how you're feeling, and change the meds if it doesn't work. Hell, change your pdoc if you don't trust him, but do something.

    As for your concentration and lack of interest in anything, that will come back eventually I can promise you. You may find that you're not necessarily interested in the same things you once were because the experience has certainly changed me quite a lot.

    As you said, it all started when you lost your job, so that may be the cause, or that may only be the tip of the iceberg, but either way there is a way for you to better your life. Believe me, like depression and negative thoughts is a downward spiral where negative thoughts feeds your depression and your depression gives you even more negative thoughts. The same can be said about positive thoughts, acts and happiness. I think both starts out extremely slow, but as you get better or worse, it can snowball. You just have to get the ball moving in the other direction!

    Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you if you need someone to talk to. Keep us updated. All the best.

  20. maxinekatherine

    maxinekatherine New Member

    have you ever attempted suicide?
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