Anyone willing to become my friend?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by augustleo, Jul 8, 2013.

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  1. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    Hello everyone. First I would like to say that I'm an extremely shy person. I'm also very suicidal right now but there are reasons why I feel this way. I will explain and it's my hopes that who ever reads this will understand why I hate being alive so much and why I have already tried to kill myself a few times. I'm not crazy for trying to kill myself or maybe I am? It's mostly when I get more depressed that I actually began to act on my suicidal feelings. Even though I want to die really bad sometimes I think that maybe if I spend enough time to get my life together then maybe I won't have to hurt so much every hour of every day. The only thing I'm absolutely sure of is that heeling and becoming successful in staying alive takes time and effort. I don't normally talk about my problems and I'm not even sure why I'm chatting about it here. Maybe I guess I'm hoping to find a way to not hurt so much and maybe I can find more reasons to keep going? Anyway here is my story.:frown:

    As a kid I grew up without a father and 3 sisters. I was always heavily abused both mentally and physically but was mostly beaten for things I did not do and always had bruises on my body. By the age 10 I begin to believe that my mother would be happier if I was dead and I never had any friends during childhood do to us moving all the time. Sometimes as a kid around the age 10 I would drink some house hold cleaners hoping it would end my suffering but it only made me sick. By the age 12 I was ready to <Mod edit: Graphic> but I got distracted by something. It was a TV commercial about a guy who was good at fixing things. Then I thought to myself ("It would be so cool if I could fix things also"). I had a broken talking book that spoke when buttons were pushed. I stared at it for a while and questioned if I might have what it takes to fix it. I took it apart and saw all kinds of wires in it and decided that I could not make it any worse since it was already broken. After messing around with the wires I somehow got it to work and that made me happy for that moment.

    By the age 13 I was going deeper into a heavier depression as I had no friends in school and always ate alone. I quit paying attention in school and started making 0's because I would mark anything down because I was ready to die anyway and did not care about school. Then one day an old library teacher saw me sitting alone at launch and sat next to me. She realized that I had no friends and decided to become my friend/tutor back then. She was a very nice Christian lady that had diverted my mind from suicide for a while. One day the class was in school reading a book about some kid who built an alarm for his launch box because some bullies kept stealing his launch. Someone in class said out loud ("Hey I bet Kenneth can build something like that"). At first I got upset and embarrassed and replied with ("no I can't"). A few moments later I begin day dreaming about a few designs that might work. I told the library teacher about my designs and she took me to radio shack for parts. I then build an alarm for my large binder that would set off a motorized bell alarm if it was not disarmed before being open. Everyone in class and a few teachers were greatly amused by it and so was I however no matter what I accomplished when I was back at home the physical and mental abuse always continued leaving me in a suicidal state of mind.

    At the age 14 I was able to fix broken video and cassette tapes and I was building battery powered hand held fans with paper propellers. At one point I was hit in the head with a frying pan for not cleaning my sisters mess in the kitchen fast enough and all I remember from that moment is blood leaking down from my head and having somewhat blurred vision. I can't remember if I was taken to the hospital for it or not but I do remember my mom cleaning the blood from my head. A few days later the abuse continued. I was even beaten every time the Air Conditioner in the apartment stopped working even though those things fail by themselves. Every year I would try to save parts from electronics so that I could try building other more advanced things. Unfortunately my mother always threw away all my parts and everything I built and it only left me drowning in depression and suicidal thoughts. When I was just about 6 years old my older sister tore up my very first art drawing right in front of my face and I will never forget how much I was screaming and crying because I had worked so hard on it.

    When I was in first grade I won first place in a mask contest out of the whole school to see to could build the most creative mask. In 3rd grad I won 2nd place in an art contest out of all the Middle schools in Macon, GA. However my mom never took me to get the award which was held at a government building because it was some sort of medal and not money. I was hurt very bad from that also because I had worked so hard on the artwork. After a short time in foster care I dropped out of school because at that time my mind was very confused about everything. I eventually winded up back home were the abuse continued. After the age 18 I eventually ended up in Brunswick Job Corps Center.

    I was so happy to be away from home. Unfortunately even there I was still depressed as the thoughts of the past continued to roam my mind. Eventually I began to build things using that as a temporary anti depressant. I at the time built the worlds first light/fan/radio by combining components and used a clothes hanger, paper, and tape to make a shiny somewhat appealing body for it. Everyone began calling me some kind of genius and the next Bill Gates because I would sometimes put together things they never seen before. People would often bring me their broken CD players and I would fix it for free because I valued the gained knowledge more then money. Even staff brought me a few broken things from their home to fix. There were even times when a teacher from another room would pull me away from class to fix a broken printer. Funny thing is no one never taught me how to fix anything. I mostly always fixed things by instinct alone. I just did what I felt was right and most devices just worked afterwards although I did learn more about electronics every time I fixed something.

    My first computer was given to me by a staff that I did not know very well. All I know is that I received the computer in a strange way. I was praying and begged God for a computer then one week later a staff brought me his old computer from his garage and told me that something told him to give me the computer. I'm not going to get into the topic about God but I will say that for me that provided strong evidence that God really does answer prayers although some prayers do seem to take a while to get answered. Unfortunately I was still heavily depressed even at Job Corps but for reasons. First off I did not have any friends and second people would often steal from me. Allot of people there often did drugs anyway so they were probably high when they stole from me. Eventually people knew how suicidal I was because I would often go days without eating from depression. I always felt alone because of the lack of friendship. I eventually got a GED, Driving Class Certificate, and 2 year Electricians Helper Certificate. When I finished Job Corps I winded back at home where the physical abuse stopped but the mental abuse continued on heavily for the next few years. I would often spend all my time playing video games and would pretend that the game characters were real friends but at one point I got tired of the games and slipped into even heavier depression. I remember how I would overdose on pills until I fell asleep. At one point I decided that I was going to try <Mod edit: methods> but I kept feeling like I might have a chance if I could just get away from that abusive home. My mom always told me that no one would ever take me in but I at least wanted to try. I got on my computer but did not have Internet. When I called comcast they told me that they did not provide Internet access in my area. I really wanted to try a different life before I would kill myself because I did not want to die if I could leave. I prayed to God to make Internet available in my area and then about a week later I tried again and Internet was available in my area.

    I quickly got Internet service and posted an ad on a roommate website stating that I was looking for a place. To my surprise one person answered. I left while my mom was at work and while no one was home. No one even realized I was gone until after about 2 days. 2 years later my mother went blind. She is now living with my sisters. I feel terrible about my mother falling ill because even though she abuse me so much I still wanted to make her proud of me. I've always wanted to make her proud of me which made the abuse hurt so much more. I've always had fantasies about meeting my father when I grew up. Several months ago I learned that he may have died not to long ago. It hurts so much. I don't think about it. My whole life all I ever really wanted was to be accepted but my depression seems to keep people away. The last job I had was about 5 years ago as a computer repair professional. I'm extremely good at fixing any computer and laptops. I've been out of work about 5 years because I've become to sick to work.

    Sorry for the life time story. I'm heavily depressed on a daily basses and have been considering suicide because of how alone I always feel. I don't know if having friends will take away my suicidal desires or not because I don't know what it's like to have friends. I do get more depressed when I see other people with there friends. I kind of feel like maybe no one really cares if I kill myself or not. I don't know how to make any friends. I'm now 28 but when I look in a mirror I still see a 10 year old lonely kid with no friends. I pent most of my childhood crying all day while my sisters were out having a great time with their friends.

    In the past couple of years I've gotten into game design and working own building my very own 3D game. I'm sure that everyone is now aware that I'm some kind of nerd by now because of me being technologically smart. However I have no people skills. When I'm around people I become shy and nervous. I've kind of grown into the habit of wishing to become friends with anyone I meet. It hurts even more that I have no idea how to get anyone to be a real friend.

    I do believe that if I live long enough to finish this game I'm building that there is a chance I can make allot of money off of it ("I'm currently poor"). I chose to get into game design because any new game can make allot of money and it will cost me nothing to build one. However I don't want to make friends after I'm rich ("it could happen")...("I think"). When rich people get friends I believe it may be harder to tell if there real friends or not. When poor people get friends it's easier to tell if there real friends or not because at that point the only thing you can give them is your friendship. However at this point I'm not 100% sure that I will even live long enough to become successful do to the amount of heavy depression that I have to go through.

    At this point I would accept anyone as a friend. I wish to experience the warm feeling that others experience from good friendships because I believe that it may give me more of a will to be alive.

    I'm a very kind person and wish to one day be able to help others. The main reason why I'm trying to become successful from a few games is so that I can be able to help others. I will not kill myself today and maybe not tomorrow. However if this depression continues to get the best of me I can see myself dead soon. Right now I'm scared because I know that I might not last long and when I get depressed enough the fear of death disappears and then......... I will not list how I might kill myself because I don't want to risk someone else using my idea to hurt themselves. I might not care about myself but I do care allot about other people.

    This is no way an emergency and I don't need emergency help.

    One of the main things I want out of life is real friends. If I can get this then just maybe I might be OK.

    Thanks for reading and to those who have at least considered giving me a chance in friendship
    Thank you :redface:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2013
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would love to be your friend! You are such a brave person and I look forward to getting to know you. Night for now.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just saying hi, and welcome to the site. I'm always up for making new friends; feel free to drop me a PM if you want to talk.
     
  4. Neverforget

    Neverforget Member

    I'd love to be your friend. I had goosebumps when I read your story. Your background and mine have a lot in common. I too suffered a lot of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mother and...(too much to go into it). As a kid, I decided the educational system was my only way out of that hell. Now I am thousands of miles away and have had a lot of therapy and I am no longer a victim of my background.

    I am also new here, and don't know how PM works but I will check this thread.

    You are ok. You are a survivor. And you are pretty darn smart. :)
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Augustleo. what a powerful and painful life you describe. The pain of the abuse. and the personal power you have. Yes. I could hear that. I do not know if you agree. But its what I could hear. I think you are very gifted. In your heart. With making things. I too was abused by my mother. But not nearly as much physically. And I too wanted her approval more than anything. She is still alive. And after all these years ( and believe me I am old, lol) I still seek her approval.

    Your name reminds me of a movie I love. August rush. I am so glad you are here. I hope you will keep posting.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You are always free to drop me a pm should you need a friendly chat or someone to talk to :)
     
  7. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    love the galaxy map !
     
  9. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I'm an August Leo too :) Your story is quite amazing. During unimaginable suffering you managed to teach yourself incredible skills, you found the strength in the hardest of times. Just imagine for a minute what you could achieve when you beat this awful depression and feelings. It sounds as though you can apply your mind to solve things that many struggle with, I know many of my geeky friends would be very happy about more games being created. Have you thought about creating something online while you can't physically work? I am just thinking something to do with games or even a site where you help people fix computer problems (I am sure you could come up with better ideas than me but just to get the idea).

    The way your mind works and your care for other people you could go such a long way when you beat this. Who knows you may design the next 'MRI' type thing which could help treat/cure cancer or something, the possibilities are endless when you have the will and the creativity which you do. I love the fan/radio/light that is a great idea.
    Lots of love
    XXX
     
  10. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    No. I'm a pretty shitty person wall-to-wall.
    I don't make friends and I wouldn't make a good one.
    Sorry.
     
  11. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Read your story. You are very intelligent. You have written so well. I think the reason you have written is that you want to live and want help. I am sure people on this great Forum will give you support. Just keep writing here. Make some friends from people who reply to you. The reason you have attempted suicide is that your troubles were too much to handle. It is all a question of troubles and support. When troubles are too much and support is less, people attempt suicide. So, get support here. Keep writing. Keep venting out. Listen to those who give you positive ideas. VAoid people who are negative or who put you down or find faults in you. You need support, encouragement. You do not need criticism. I am sure you will survive. Nothing will give me more happiness than to see you survive and get over your depression.
     
  12. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    I admit I did not expect this much response. I really do appreciate all of the friendship offers. It does kind of make me feel better some. I really did mean it when I said that I'm willing to be friends with anyone. It does not matter what kind of person you think you are. I don't care if you are boring or fun or whatever because I'm not a judgmental person. If you are alive than I can be your friend. Regardless of what problems myself or you may have I still believe in a better world for us all and I also believe in people helping one another.

    One cannot understand what true happiness is without pain. When people lose something great they sometimes don't realize what they truly had until it's gone. In order for life to turn out the way you want it to be you have to follow the right path but the right path is not always visible/noticeable. You probably cannot decide what you will do once you're dead but you can decide what you will do while you're still alive. Some of us will live for a while and some of us won't. Whatever you decide to do while you're still alive is your choice but it will be wise to always consider what the most likely outcome will be based on decisions you will make however sometimes its also best not to think to much about something otherwise you can wind up not doing something that you should do. Regardless of what decisions you or I make it is mainly opinion rather or not a decision was the right one or not at which point voting can be used to at least try to satisfy the larger crowd in an attempt to please the majority.

    Even if the majority was happy about a decision it still does not mean it was the right one. Only by having a common goal can a group truly come to the conclusion that a decision was correct however those outside of that group that does not have the same goal would most likely naturally disagree with a decision that was made with the group sharing the common goal.

    Regardless of whatever I was talking about life really boils down to one thing:

    What do you want and what do you want for others?..............("I think").
     
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I wish there was a like button!!!!!

    LIKE!!!!!!
     
  14. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    Hello fellow Leo. I don't run into other Leo's often. I do wish to eventually develop a site that sells nothing but game design material (sound effects, models, textures, soundtracks, etc). As far as myself having a great mind goes, well I guess when other people see the type of things I can create they seem to think so. I don't consider myself to be a great person. However when it comes to technology and inventions I think that I'm good in that area. I really do hope that I can become successful in game design. I've already learned multi-player scripting, game scripting, model design, and level creation. With enough time I can create any kind of game. I've just yet to finish the first game. Sometimes I don't think I'll last long enough to finish the first game but I think that there is a chance I may live long enough to become successful. My past is filled with so much depression. I'm just unsure if I can fight through it.
     
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I have read your words with gread admiration. I personally think you are brilliant. And I do not mean your powers of reasoning etc. I think you have a wisdom that is quite amazing. Thank you for being here... on earth and at sf
     
  16. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    For someone to actually thank me for being alive is kind of new to me. It is only my emotional pain that causes me to have suicidal thoughts. I'm kind of caught between two worlds. On one side I want to die often and on the other I wish to become successful. If it is possible for me to become successful by next year then I doubt that suicide is the best answer. However if I will definitely have to endure years of more suffering than I guess maybe I'd prefer just to end myself now. Sometimes one can hurt so bad that they just naturally want to die.

    Where does this feeling of wanting to die come from? Why is it that us humans can desire death so strongly when we hurt enough. We will all die one day anyway so why rush it?

    Something else to think about:

    When ever you become upset enough at someone you may want to hurt them in some kind of way lets say slap them in the face.....
    When ever you become upset enough at yourself you may sometimes want to hurt yourself in some kind of way.....
    When ever you become upset enough at an object you may sometimes want to hurt it in some kind of way like throwing it.....

    One negative thought can lead to many more negative thoughts. Lets say you or I forget everything and who we are and even forget what we were upset about? It would be difficult to become upset if your mind is blank. Thoughts within the human mind is the most powerful force because it's the thoughts that drive us to make everyday decisions. Bottom line is it's the way you think that defines who you are. If you don't like the type of person you are then you can change that by changing the way you think.

    OK.....so how can people change how they think in order to better themselves? One way is to hang around people you wish to become more like however be careful not to let yourself get jealous of them otherwise negative thoughts would easily get in the way. Another way is to pay close attention to an actor you may see on television that have the type of personality you like and use that as an example.

    Regardless of whatever I was talking about having control of who you are really boils down to one thing:

    Controlling what thoughts you choose to think about

    Want to become a more positive person? Then think positive!

    One cation is that sometimes no matter how hard you try to change others may never see all of the positive you worked hard to develop which is why you cannot pay too much attention to what others think. If you know in your heart that you are a good person then you are. If you know in your heart you are a bad person then you might be mistaken. Having a little faith in yourself to become positive and to think positive is normally what it takes but holding on to that positive way of thinking is really the only challenge because you cannot let negative events or negative comments interfere. Last important thing to remember is that no HUMAN BEING will ever be perfect EVER. Everyone in life will suffer sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically in some form so basically a life without no suffering ever is pretty impossible. Emotional suffering can be temporarily lifted by clearing your mind of all thoughts and emotions.

    There is no such thing as perfect except for when it comes to artwork and paint jobs.......("I think").
     
  17. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Hey Leo :)
    I really like how you think about things. You seem like me in some ways that when you are looking at others you see positive things and also when talking hypothetically about how a person can feel or should behave towards themselves you are very logical and have put a lot of thought into what you say. I think you also are like me in that you don't always see the good in yourself, that we see after just a few writings. It is often harder to see what is closest and so obvious to others.

    I like what you say about being positive and holding onto it. Even if it just one thing we hold onto. For you you can be positive about your first game and focus on that, whenever you have bad thoughts, hold onto it and imagine the possibilities. Some people may not see the relevance of games but to many of my friends they can be like company and a way of happy escapism from their troubles so can bring a lot of pleasure to many people and even keep them going. The thing with games as well is if the first one doesn't work you will learn from it for what to do next, the same way you taught yourself to fix things from an early age, it will all be experience. So many spend years doing degrees and ending up unemployed or unhappy in a job they thought they would enjoy. Just think how many would give their right arm to be able to earn money from a hobby that they enjoyed. You really are blessed, you have worked hard at your skills, have earned them and the respect you have gained from them, I have always said the world needs people with skills they can use not pieces of paper saying they can do something.

    Try to look at yourself how we see you, it is hard, but sometimes even writing things down can help, like writing down all the positive things people here have said, it can amount to a lot all in one place and then you can add to it and then read it when you are not feeling great.

    Much love to you and let me know about the game as I will be sure to promote it on Facebook to my friends.
    XXX
     
  18. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Leo- you are quite intelligent, personable and insightful. What you said about one thought leading to another and how it is difficult to become upset if one has a blank mind is pretty damn awesome. Your way of articulating the scenario in which the reader can be/is in control of their own emotions made a pretty big impact on me. I am also generally into gaming- mainly mmos and I would like to be your friend also, even off SF, playing an MMO. Would be cool to have a leveling/grinding friendship that can also be used to talk about more serious things with someone who cares, when needed or even just wanted. Best of luck to you man, and I am here and ready for ya if you wanna kill hordes of digital spawn while sometimes talking about and sharing rl stuff.
     
  19. augustleo

    augustleo Active Member

    I really appreciate all of the positive feedback. It's nice to see that there is still allot of caring people in the world.

    It's because of people like you all that myself and others may gain a chance to overcome a few of our many never ending and always new problems in life. Funny thing is that sometimes if you just don't allow yourself to think about some of your problems then it can be as if the problem never existed depending on the circumstances. If you can't quit thinking about certain things and you wish to stop then try brainwashing yourself. OK so the sound of brainwashing one's self does sound kind of bizarre but sometimes if you tell yourself that you will be successful enough times then it can create a stronger will for yourself and lead to some kind of unforeseen success that could make you happier.

    Well I'm going to bed now since I've been up for more than 48 hours. I'm too tired and light headed to type anything else for now..... Night :sleeping:
     
  20. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hear what you are saying re brainwashing. I call it "re-programming". There is something called EFT or meridian tapping. Where people tap on specific meridian points in the body while saying such things to reprogram the messages. Lots of videos in youtube about it. I hope you got sleep. Being sleepless for too many hours is not great for the mind, if you know what i mean.
     
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