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Do any of you have children? Especially, minor children? My son is the only reason I have held on this far and I feel very guilty about wanting to exit. Do any of you struggle with something like this?
Sorry it took so long to reply. Boy do I know how the guilt feels! I have 5 gorgeous kids, but have still tried to exit and fear going there again. Not to get away from them or my husband but to escape the thoughts I can't control. Hang in there, thank god you have a reason to hang on. If you are really struggling there is no need for guilt-suicidal feelings, depression,anxiety are all symptoms of illness no less real than something physical, like a broken leg. It takes time to mend and you mustn't feel guilty about the pain along the way or your way of getting through it. There are so many people who care, I've found so much support here among those who truly understand my pain. Take care:hug:,
Hi AbbreviatedGirl, I have two children now aged 19 and 16 but they were both minors when my depression was at its worst.
I struggled with the urge to end it for their sake against the guilt of the lifelong pain I would inflict on them...
I do understand what you are going through, I am sure you will meet many people here with similar struggles.
:sad: Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I also have 3 young children and am frequently torn about my responsibility to them versus my desire to end this severe depression which has been going on for two years. It isn't about guilt, its about having an illness, depression, which makes you feel hopeless. What I remind myself is that hopelessness is not a fact, just a symptom of depression. Sometimes that helps. I hope you feel better soon. Take care. Caileigh
I have 4 children ages 19, 17, 15, 14. They are the only thing that hold me here. I understand all to well the way you are feeling. I feel guilty for wanting to leave. Someday I am afraid that even they will not be enough to hold me here. I do not wish them to have that legacy, but the reality is that it may eventually happen. For now, I am hanging on as much as I can. Take care of yourself hun. Remeber that you really are important in the lives of your children. And to yourself as well. I wish you only the best. :hug:
Do not feel alone. I myself am a single mother with three young children ages 4, 2, and 1. I know exactly the pain and guilt that you are feeling because i feel it myself constantly. I hope that you and i both can get some help to keep us here for ourselves and our kids. Just keep in mind that you are not alone and that there are millions out there who feel the same way even though they have beautiful kids.:sad:
I know the feelings too too well...:sad: I'm a single mother (custodial parent) with three girls: 19, 17, and 14 - the oldest of whom is supposed to have moved out three weeks ago and also she's been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder:ohmy: and acts it for sure!:blink: :sad: None of the kids gives much help with chores and they're always fighting and screaming. Coming home from work is more stressful than going to work. At work there's peace and money, home there's always a huge mess and fighting...like living in Iraq only without the IEDs and dead bodies...so far.:sad: Last evening the youngest was so bad I was ready to blow my brains out, no kidding. I had to take a clonazepam and stay in my den til I stopped shaking and bawling. I got some good advice recently (which helps and doesn't help...yet). I was quoted the Bible verse about "training up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." I said, "yeah, but they weren't brought up this way and did/do not come from that bad of a dysfunctional family". And my friend said: "when they are OLD.... they're not OLD yet...":dry: Oh yeah, that's true... but do I have to wait til they're THAT old before I have some peace? By then they'll be out of the house anyway...:dry:
I'm taking it one minute, one hour, one day at a time - cause that's all I can do; that, and take my meds and talk to a counselor/Pdoc regularly... and pray to God to give me the strength to handle it...:sad:
Keep coming here and venting. Scream and yell and foam at the mouth about it, at least the rage and frustration won't build up inside you til you reach the point of no return.
sending love and hugs and strength and hope - lots of hope,
struggling Thank You
I've had 3 children. One was a late term miscarriage, one is 17 and was placed for adoption. He wants to meet me when he's 18. It was an open adoption and I speak occassionally with his adoptive parents. Then, I have a 13 year old son, at home. I love him so dearly.
I am not as guilty about being depressed as I am about knowing, or at minimum, feeling like I will be going very soon. My mother passed away when I was 13, so I look at him sometimes and think, "I made it without my mother. I believe he could also." But, I only say that within to quelch my guilt (which does not work).
I am trying to hold on until he finishes this academic year, but it's becoming incredibly difficult.
I think the people who have answered you gave you a pretty good idea of what I want to say. I will add my own thoughts as well, though.
I spoke about this very thing with my therapist and she said something that has stuck in my mind ever since. She told me that children who have lost a parent to suicide have a MUCH greater chance of committing suicide than others who have not. That, as well as the blame they will lay on themselves for your actions, will never go away.
I tried to commit suicide a few times in my life and the devestation to my daughter was monumental. She became someone I didn't recognize. After many years we sat and talked. She told me she grew up asking herself "Doesn't Mommy love me enough to stay with me?" I pretty much destroyed her childhood with fear and abandonment issues.
While my daughter has grown up, it took many years for her to get over it. I adopted my granddaughter because my daughter was so screwed up was doing the same thing to her child. She got some help and is now doing better.
While we have worked things out, I still have Sadie (who is now 7 1/2) and I will never again do that to my child.
That is a legacy I do not wish for any child.
Get a therapist, get on some meds and take each day as it comes. For people like us, it's the only way.