Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dr Death, May 10, 2007.

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  1. Dr Death

    Dr Death New Member

    As I sit here at my computer, the soft sound of David Bowie in the background, I wonder; why? I have lived my life, for the most part, acting in accordance with God's commandments, and while I am no angel and am guilty of sin as everyone is, my heart is pure and loving, my soul - kind and caring.

    And so... why? Why am I in this place? Is there some lesson to be learned? A friend phoned today and when I explained the latest happening in my existence, all she could say was - 'Just when I think it can get no worse for you... it does.'

    I have zero joy in my day. I have read through most of the 'Sticky' posts here, which lead us to different articles and links provided to help us and I have read through many of the posts here... stepping into some stranger's pain, knowing it is different than mine, yet feeling connected in ways previously unimagined.

    I read the post titled A Coin Flip Saved My Life and as I read that tears started welling up. The two things that struck me as I read that were that God did make the coin land on tails and if it were me flipping the coin it would have landed heads.

    That's not said to gain sympathy from anyone, it's how this truly feels. There is no way God can care for or love this soul because if he did, this mountain of grief would have never been allowed to happen.

    When I sit back and examine the past decade I am shocked that I didn't kill myself long ago. I must be a tremendously weak and frail person to have not done so. Everything that has happened, all the events that have taken place since 1998 seem to be telling me, very loudly, that my destiny is to depart.

    It's as if I am being dared. Have you ever felt this? As if the angels and demons and devils and gods are tempting you... 'Come on,' they say, 'we dare you... you haven't got what it takes. Oh... you think it can only get better from here... {hahahahahaha}... well take this fucker!!!'

    And then the inevitable happens, and the bad grows worse. And the worse becomes something so intense and so sharp that the wire you cling to, just hoping and praying that somehow, someway, you will survive this and surely things can improve, cuts right through your hands and leaves you bloody, frail and helpless.

    And food has no taste... which is okay because you can't keep anything down anyway... and then sunshine, once such a beautiful and warm fun place to be, now burns and leaves you dry and suffering from an unquenchable thirst.

    And you are left asking, simply... why? Why?? WHY???
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun :sad: have no words.. so :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I felt a need to respond.
    I feel similiar hurts.
    This forum cannot make pain, or grief leave; we come here to not feel totally alone and abandoned. At times, venting, crying, ranting, cussing, sharing and seeking advice helps to get it out. When you meet frinds that can know that you are not crazy or a nut job. It does help a little.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have read several of your posts and am moved to tears by the feelings you express in them. Even in your introduction, telling about your diabetes and the problems associated in the work place. You express yourself quite well. Our pains may not come from the same places, but they do connect us to one another.As TLA said, the forum will not take the pain away, but we can find support through each other and maybe help ease the burden of carrying them alone. Take care Dr Death. :hug:
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