Apathetic

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ruby, Dec 1, 2007.

  1. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    There is no point in this thread, I just want to make sense of what's happening in my head.

    Recently i've been 'feeling' numb. I think that i've been feeling depressed for so long that I no longer have any real emotion. I live a miserable existance. I feel like i'm incapable doing anything, even simple things like engaging in some form of education. I despise christmas because other peoples happiness reminds me just how pathetic my life is. I can't seem to sleep despite taking high doses of medication. I lay in bed listening to music for hours, fantasising about throwing myself infront of a speeding train. I don't talk to anyone about how i'm feeling because I don't want more psychiatric intervention. Infact, I think i'd be better off being discharged from the mental health team. It's like the past four years have revolved around consultant reviews, antipsychotics and therapy. Whilst I appreciate the support I get from the professionals, I feel like they'd be better helping somebody who is likely to improve.

    I've been seriously considering ending my life. I have a detailed plan and a set date, I just want to make sure that i'm making the right decision. I didn't just kill myself on impulse as I realise the seriousness of my plans. At the moment I feel like life is so bad that I couldn't possibly survive in it for much longer. I don't want to attempt suicide and end up surviving and being sent to hospital, but on the other hand I don't want to confide in anyone and risk being sent to the psychiatric unit anyway. I think out of those two options i'd rather attempt. If I die then all is well, if I survive I think i'll be so desperate that i'll try almost anything. Once you've accepted death and prepare yourself for it, it's quite horrific having those plans ruined and having to embrace life once again.

    Ah, i'm sorry for this post. I don't know what i'm saying.
     
  2. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I'm just a fucking cokehead psychotic worthless piece of shit. I love my boyfriend but he's on a methadone programme.
     
  3. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Ruby...I am so, so sorry you feel this way. You're dealing with so much and you're so strong. Please stay safe. You're in my thoughts and prayers. If someone over the Internet is near tears, I can only imagine how your loved ones would feel if you were hurt. Ruby, please be safe. I know things are painful, but they can get better. Don't stop hoping. Take care, sweetheart, and God bless. <3 I know I'm not the best at advice or comfort, but I just want you to know how valuable you are to this forum, and how precious you are in real life.