Its hard to distil the amalgamation of these feelings into words, something that can easily be understood, or at least be explained. Complete apathy has taken hold, i have no enthusiasm for even the most simple daily tasks. All i want to do is lay in bed, with whatever background noise is convenient, and just slowly make myself disappear. Though without so much of the slowly if possible. I've tried reaching out, looking for help, and am met with a wall of blank stares and unassailable walls. No-one else cares about my life, i can say objectively, so i can't see why i should care. When apathy is the only thing preventing suicide, many many things must be wrong, but i don't know where to start with it, and obviously can't bring myself to care either. Right now i'm wondering how much pain i can inflict before i can feel something. It all seems numb, the pain that would usually have me clenching my teeth, burning within me now does nothing. Suicide must be a conscious choice, not just an exercise in causing pain until something slips, goes too far, to try and find feeling. It's odd to say i want to die, but only in the right way. To be honest, i don't know what i'm saying. I know that i want to die desperately, but i don't know how now. Thoughts are just tangled together so thickly that none of them go through, i can't think or feel. I really don't know what i'm saying, or even why i am posting. Sorry.