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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Jan 6, 2011.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Its hard to distil the amalgamation of these feelings into words, something that can easily be understood, or at least be explained. Complete apathy has taken hold, i have no enthusiasm for even the most simple daily tasks. All i want to do is lay in bed, with whatever background noise is convenient, and just slowly make myself disappear. Though without so much of the slowly if possible.

    I've tried reaching out, looking for help, and am met with a wall of blank stares and unassailable walls. No-one else cares about my life, i can say objectively, so i can't see why i should care. When apathy is the only thing preventing suicide, many many things must be wrong, but i don't know where to start with it, and obviously can't bring myself to care either.

    Right now i'm wondering how much pain i can inflict before i can feel something. It all seems numb, the pain that would usually have me clenching my teeth, burning within me now does nothing. Suicide must be a conscious choice, not just an exercise in causing pain until something slips, goes too far, to try and find feeling. It's odd to say i want to die, but only in the right way. To be honest, i don't know what i'm saying. I know that i want to die desperately, but i don't know how now. Thoughts are just tangled together so thickly that none of them go through, i can't think or feel. I really don't know what i'm saying, or even why i am posting. Sorry.
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You seem to have distilled the amalgamation of your feelings into words maybe without realising it. Apathy is something I sometimes fight - its just linked to depression because apathy to the point of wanting to avoid all human contact is almost always just down to depression.

    I know that things you have a passion for can become almost laughable and its just depression playing its tricks.

    There is a social apathy. Be careful you do not just get sucked into that black hole in which you accept the apathy perhaps watching too much TV as is the habit of many.

    Not for nothing, but there are usually reasons to be depressed. Even if those reasons seem stupid its just a matter of your own self perception.

    And why the 'sorry' at the end? you got nothing to be sorry about and this forum exists so you can tell someone. Having heard your side of the story I'm thinking you left a few gaps out.

    Social isolation is generally not good for us. Nobody seems to care when we shut ourselves off. The mind can turn a saint into a devil.

    I'm sure someone cares about you.

    Your post is both insightful and speaks of common issues with a clarity and ease with the written word.
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The difficulty is that the apathetic feelings are an anomaly. Not usually a part of what i would feel, or not feel more accurately. Sadness, anger, pain, despair, my usual bag of feelings, and this apathy is difficult because i can't do anything with it. I can't cry myself to sleep, break something, or cut myself to shreds. Just stare blankly at the screen.

    People don't care. Those who don't know have no reason to care. Those who do have more important things to think about. Even on here, caring is transitional. It serves a purpose for a time, but those capable of forming long term attachment do so, and those who can't just don't. I've tried to, many times, but failed in it. It's not through lack of trying i say that, just through experience.

    I apologised because i said nothing at all of note. Just a random expression of not very much, without clear purpose. People post to ask for help, look for answers, or empathy, or something. I don't know what i'm looking for. I want pain, because i want to feel, but i certainly wont get encouragement for that here. I want to die, but not for the wrong reasons. The apathy will pass, bringing me back to more usual difficulties, which i've never found help for, but probably not give me quite enough courage to do so.
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    rathis have you ever talked with a doc about this? or tried anti-deppressants? i've heard people who say it doesnt work and others say it works wonders, maybe its worth a try?
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Call your Gp okay talk to your doctor and get some medication to get you out of that hole your in. Meds do work they give you energy and clear thoughts not so muddled they give you feeling back you can cry when you are on meds. that is what is needed sometimes hugs
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Perhaps "Peace..." above has touched on some of what I would ask...

    Do you have any idea (if I missed an explanation I apologize) where the basis of your apathy lies?

    I only ask because this has been one of my main issues as far as daily living and my questioning (in general) the purpose of my existence).

    Does it lie in any particular area of thought or ideas which you have come accross, or perhaps could it be that you have always felt this way.

    My apathy is due to the fact that my formative years were during the Vietnam war, with many of my peers simply stating that we should just not participate in what was happening. Unfortunately, while others mindsets changed over the years...mine did not.

    So, I think you need to discover where this apathy comes from.

    Also, you said much that is noteworthy but I still don't see that you have an idea of why or where, the initial onset of the apathy occured.

  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The major problem is that i do not know where the apathy came from. It started maybe three or four days ago, without any triggering factors. I've still managed to keep doing the basics such as working, though running very much on auto pilot, with the rest of my time spent pretty much in my bedroom, doing nothing. As this is not greatly different from my normal behaviour, no-one has been concerned by it. I am a private person anyway, so spending most of my time alone is normal.

    This means i'm struggling to work out how to resolve it, and apathy is not an easy state to try and solve anything in. There is no underlying cause that i'm aware of, which would change my usual depressed and generally self destructive state into apathy. My typical mental status isn't healthy as such, but at least i can work with it. I can use self harm to cause relative happiness, by overcoming mental pain with physical pain. I can exhaust feelings where they are overwhelming, allow myself to feel them and then let them run their course, until i become functioning again. But when there is nothing there, and nothing i do can make something occur, there is no end. Maybe the apathy is temporary, i don't know.

    I've always found medical professionals to be unhelpful, wanting to treat the effects, rather than any underlying cause, but also find that i do not like the idea of taking medication which would alter my mental status. It is important to me to be me, and i would feel that any changes due to medication were not honest ones, and therefore i could not take any benefit from them.
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