Let's talk. I was wondering if anyone is fighting that silent war against apathy/laziness? I think this is a huge part of struggles of any kind. And everyone has their own unique perception and experience towards this. If anyone wants to share, that'd be pretty cool. The worst thing for me is apathy. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It is quiet... it is numbing. It is the neutralization of everything to a point where Nothing can feel more comfortable than who I am. When I feel apathetic, I feel I am snuffing out who I am. It happens everyday. It's merged with laziness. With excuses. With "not" feeling right, or in the right frame of mind. It's almost like a barrier that allows me to stop motivating myself, unless I "rest" some more. My current experience is that I feel, or think I feel drained the more that I do. That I need time to sink into things and let "Purpose" form, before I start doing them. This can lead to so much dead time. I deal with this day in and day out. The worst moments can be in the morning when I wake up. I feel I need to sleep and go back, and waking up is like pushing a 2 ton ice block up an icy ramp. If I let go, I can literally collapse back into a deep sleep. If I push too hard, I strain and drain myself so much that the actual parts of me that breathe dont. Probably because they are so weak from lack of exercising them. Perhaps this means, My Center is fuxed in the mornings. My drive, my wants, my feels and focus are all out of alignment, and I need to do something to re-harmonize myself in the mornings. Even when I get that, then the challenge of each event I have to do everyday is taxing. (which is what ever single living thing goes through) Then my focus and drive flutters, my reasoning and attention blurrs and it starts to cascade out of control. I can reaffirm, refind the purpose and connection, the feeling... but sometimes it slips. That's the worst, cause then it feels like im doing something that I dont want to do. And that's ugly. Anyhow.. I think the worst thing about apathy is the mornings. And then not creating and maintaining a rhythm throughout the day that is something productive that I care about. Without care, things seem pointless. Without direction, without growth, things are the same. First things on my merry fight upwards is Feelings, Memory and overcoming an apathetic mentality. I fucking hate apathy. I can feel apathetic, then my mind fills in the language. Like "Oh.. Im too tired to run. Oh im hurting. Oh im weak. Oh ive done enough this week". I have two battles, identifying that im in an apathetic state, which means wanting something more than wanting to rest. And at the sametime, identifying my own bullshit and distortion of a situation that allows me to fall into "place". Such a quiet nightmare that gets in the way of simply even starting to make things better. Actually making things better? That's whole other Odyssey. But I cannot create and consistent footing when I constantly delude myself into thinking I need to freaken rest all the time. Or I can't do something. Or it's not worth it. Or What's the point. Or I need to wait. Or I need to rethink everything. Or whatever crap up excuse I can muster up that feels right in the moment to justify NOT doing it. Fucking after effects of being afraid and 'surviving'. Sludge... Anyhow. That's my momentary view on what it feels like to lie to yourself so you don't have to do something.