Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by justMe7, May 13, 2015.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Let's talk. I was wondering if anyone is fighting that silent war against apathy/laziness?
    I think this is a huge part of struggles of any kind. And everyone has their own unique perception and experience towards this. If anyone wants to share, that'd be pretty cool.

    The worst thing for me is apathy. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It is quiet... it is numbing. It is the neutralization of everything to a point where Nothing can feel more comfortable than who I am. When I feel apathetic, I feel I am snuffing out who I am. It happens everyday. It's merged with laziness. With excuses. With "not" feeling right, or in the right frame of mind. It's almost like a barrier that allows me to stop motivating myself, unless I "rest" some more.

    My current experience is that I feel, or think I feel drained the more that I do. That I need time to sink into things and let "Purpose" form, before I start doing them. This can lead to so much dead time.

    I deal with this day in and day out. The worst moments can be in the morning when I wake up. I feel I need to sleep and go back, and waking up is like pushing a 2 ton ice block up an icy ramp. If I let go, I can literally collapse back into a deep sleep. If I push too hard, I strain and drain myself so much that the actual parts of me that breathe dont. Probably because they are so weak from lack of exercising them. Perhaps this means, My Center is fuxed in the mornings. My drive, my wants, my feels and focus are all out of alignment, and I need to do something to re-harmonize myself in the mornings.

    Even when I get that, then the challenge of each event I have to do everyday is taxing. (which is what ever single living thing goes through) Then my focus and drive flutters, my reasoning and attention blurrs and it starts to cascade out of control. I can reaffirm, refind the purpose and connection, the feeling... but sometimes it slips. That's the worst, cause then it feels like im doing something that I dont want to do. And that's ugly.

    Anyhow.. I think the worst thing about apathy is the mornings. And then not creating and maintaining a rhythm throughout the day that is something productive that I care about. Without care, things seem pointless. Without direction, without growth, things are the same.
    First things on my merry fight upwards is Feelings, Memory and overcoming an apathetic mentality. I fucking hate apathy. I can feel apathetic, then my mind fills in the language. Like "Oh.. Im too tired to run. Oh im hurting. Oh im weak. Oh ive done enough this week". I have two battles, identifying that im in an apathetic state, which means wanting something more than wanting to rest. And at the sametime, identifying my own bullshit and distortion of a situation that allows me to fall into "place". Such a quiet nightmare that gets in the way of simply even starting to make things better. Actually making things better? That's whole other Odyssey. But I cannot create and consistent footing when I constantly delude myself into thinking I need to freaken rest all the time. Or I can't do something. Or it's not worth it. Or What's the point. Or I need to wait. Or I need to rethink everything. Or whatever crap up excuse I can muster up that feels right in the moment to justify NOT doing it.

    Fucking after effects of being afraid and 'surviving'. Sludge... Anyhow. That's my momentary view on what it feels like to lie to yourself so you don't have to do something.
  2. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    Have you considered you may have Sleep Apnea? Some of the things you describe are exactly how i was before i was diagnosed with severe Sleep Apnea. This is a serious thing and very self destructive. I let it go on for 3 years because my doctor was unable to diagnose it properly. For years i was just fat and lazy and blah blah... Until another doctor got it right and yeah.

    Just look into it as a possibility.
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Nope. I don't fit the criteria at all. I'm more or less fit and don't drink or smoke. Thanks for the input though.

    Nah it's just a condensed apathetic situation, which opens the doors for alot of negativity. I don't have excuses, except for the ones I delude myself into believing. Hence the problem with an apathetic mentality. It's justifies and numbs ambition in a useless attempt to suppress a reality that requires effort. Combine that with low energy levels, and it's a vicious, silly cycle.
    I find planning and structure really work, but the downfall is that the structure can become the force that drives instead of strengthening your own willpower, so you have energy to utilize the structure.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG I could have written your post myself.
    I can find so many reasons NOT to do a thing, even things I used to love to do.
    Energy has left the building and I could sleep for Britain!
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    That in large part sums up how I cope when i get apathetic and cannot make myself do things I know I can and should be doing. It is very easy to come up with reasons why I can't or should not "now" and I can list 100 reasons why "later" or "tomorrow" will be better time to do knowing the whole time I am convincing myself of this it is all BS and I should just be doing it. I think all struggle with it at times, but if you have a history physical or mental problems it is really easy to come up with completely BS excuses. When I find myself doing it too much I have to start making a schedule and just sticking to the calendar and schedule by putting in the times that will be anything i want to do as well and tell myself I am not going to do the things i want to either until the other tasks are done. Maybe stupid things - like I will not watch blacklist until i have done x and y , and am a little embarrassed to admit I treat myself like one of my children in doing this "rule setting" on a schedule but it does help get me out of a funk when it goes on for more than a couple days.
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I find it a pain in the ass :p Actually more a pain in my soul, if such a freedom exists. It's so hard to find the right path in this life. I don't want to participate in damage to life. But I look at everything and in some sense I am participating in an awkward placement from our species. Using paper, am I fueling destroying forests. Eating chicken, am I fueling the breeding and torture of life. Using power, am I participating in the destruction of habitats. The quick response is, go live in the woods. But that... does not fulfill me.
    I am here.. then I breathe in society, where I should have been. What I need to do... what everyone expects/requires of me. Predefined definitions start pouring in before I allow myself to see and breathe in what's infront of me. What I need, what I want shines less as I fuel everything else. The more I care about everyone and everything else, the less I seem to care about Me.
    Even repelling those traps(or unbalanced connections) .. then it's seeing what I want and need. Finding the strength to start doing it, and not allowing myself to over tense, or lose a focus.

    Talk is cheap in the end. Being able to bring substance to your thoughts reaffirms to me, that I can do something. Because that fog of nothing is horrendous. It's a time stealer. It manipulates my connection to what I Care about. And without care, apathy just fills the forest, covering all definition away in it's bland Nothingness.

    I fucking hate it... it's one of the most insidiously disturbing things I know of. It's anti-life... You know, I care about things. I feel it in a moment, but they are so shifty.. I'm not entirely sure what fuels my heart anymore though. A few things remind me of the beauty of life. But that's.. definitely not what fuels me. Though I know apathy is the first thing that stops you from starting and continuing Anything. The first of many oppositions life offers.

    Apathy is definitely an addictive comfort. It's like bleeding internally for the soul. It's quiet..


    Yah I hear you NYJmpMaster. Alot of apathy is a rhythm in itself. For me it's like a numbing agent. The only way to truly break it is to commit to myself and to what is set forward. Perhaps it's like a transition of rhythms. It tries to pull you back, like any addiction. But you have to stay the course once you attempt to break free of it.
    And like anything, just doing it is not enough. How you do it is equally as important, otherwise you can end up substituting one problem for another. I think apathy is a direct opposition to allowing yourself to be and connect with life. It just makes you run around in a circle, instead of living. Drive beat's it hands down though
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2015
  7. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    I am not sure if apathy is the word in English, but what I feel I could describe as "lack of a desire to do anything, yet desiring to do something". I think. I think a lot. But unfortunately none of my ideas ever get realized (even if it is something as simple as writing down the ideas on my head). It is as if every time I tried to do something my will evaporated.
  8. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I agree, I don't think apathy is the right word for what you described. I have no idea how you think :D but I know I see some particular end games, and want to experience them. But it's the entire journey that makes it what is is aswell. So appriciating and wanting to enjoy the small steps that work towards larger picture thoughts helps to motivate myself. Also, learning to harmonize my mind, so I can do certain things as I allow them to arise in my mind, slowly reminds me that I can do what I think. And appreciating difficulty but maintaining through it can help to maintain your actual Will to persevere through the challenges that come with affecting anything in life.

    The hardest thing, is doing it. Whatever it is. I think at one stage I was, and still am horribly worried about doing the wrong things. Or at one point in my life, getting to a place where what I was doing was uncontainable. Also, primarily, failure being one of the biggest drawbacks. Where what I was doing was not up to par with how I needed it to be. I presumed this would ruin what I wanted completely and then begins the drain.

    What matters is doing it. Learning what you need to improve upon, appreciating where you are at, and continuing. Those first steps are the hardest.

    I find personally, there's a storm of numbing distractions that I pull too, because of the challenge of actually doing something. It's excuses though. I know I won't even begin to start working on experiencing things that fullfill me if I continuously feed these numbing habits.
  9. What

    What Active Member

    Growing up as a kid I was always told how mature I was for my age, and I've had multiple therapists verbally pat me on the back for being able to consider so many different perspectives in a given situation. But what I don't think these people realize it's that a useless curse, not some impressive wisdom thing. Other people seem to have their convictions and points of views and their goals and they just up and go for it. When you can see through too many people's eyes though you can't pick, you can't decide, so you can't do anything. You are as infinitely wrong as you are infinitely right. Makes me feel nihilistic in the end. That is what I see it as, not apathy but getting so overwhelmed by all of the different views you can hold at the same freakin time to the point that you start to feel nihilistic.

    Then there is apathy which for me is like when I don't shower for two weeks because I just don't give a damn.
  10. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Yeah.... I can understand that.

    What I'm learning, is what I want. And retaining all I've learnt and observed. Seeing, thinking and 'knowing' only takes you so far. Doing is the difference between a fog and making your own marks in this life. In essence, defining yourself. It helps to protect yourself from being nullified or manipulated by other peoples perspectives.

    The thing to Know is, Your perspective matters most. Make a mark with it. But be prepared to adapt, compromise, learn, and grow.

    And as far as apathy goes, I think it's a bi-product of not acting and defining ones self. Other peoples perspectives, or even our own self created moments can fill those moments and energize ourselves, but those people are the source of that energy, not yourself. If it's mental energizing from yourself, it needs to be expressed, positively. Making a mark yourself that is entirely yours, is something no one or thing can take from you. It reminds you in truth that you Can do and define your perspective in life. It's the doing that's the most difficult thing. Especially if you see multiple perspectives. Because hesitation kicks in. Those mentalities that suggest you need to wait, or 'now' isn't the right time, or 'you need to do something else first', or 'what if im wrong', or 'this isn't fair for so and so' ect.

    Awareness, Choice, and Action. The worst thing for me though is zeroing in, without compromising. I have to be really hard with myself, and reconnect with my care. Because I can just avoid things. I understand skipping hygiene(Don't Do that), or not committing to certain routines. I find it's a complex yet simple process of focusing my life and strengthening what I believe in. .... It's quite a vulnerable state to be in imo. But Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes dedication to those parts of life you care about. I for one care about myself! So I'm trying to figure out how to care for my body. And holy fuck it's a dynamic war of apathy, mistakes, injuries, complacency, ignorance, and deflation.

    Got to get up. Each time. And learn from those identified situations you can define as mistakes, without destroying yourself, or disassociating from what needs to be overcome.

    I find compliments to be a pain in the ass. Like someone juices me up on euphoria an then my focus and drive is zoned out. Something I need to work on. Appreciating and respecting peoples opinions, but not letting them get in my way.
  11. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    I agree. I felt like this all the time through high school. Then again it was a bad environment; both for chat, thought, and study.
    In my case, it is the other way around. I can start easily a project or whatever I want to do; but more often than not I just abandon it midways, mayhaps to retake it again later for a bit, then likely abandon it forever afterwards.
    In complete agreement. Sometimes I feel like I want to beat the world to a pulp (not literally, just an example of how much energy I have some rare days) but I never get anything done. Others I have trouble doing basic things simply due to lack of willpower. But the worst days are the ones where a fog invades my head. No matter how I try to, I cannot stay focused to do anything at those times.
    What nailed it. That is exactly how I feel sometimes, too. Take for example the choice of "career": Everything has a pro and con, and unfortunately I delve too deeply in those aspects. As a result, everything appeals to me a little on the surface but not enough to invest time and effort in it due to the drawbacks.
    For me it is more about eating badly and shifting around my biological clock.
  12. summerraine

    summerraine Member

    I totally get what you're talking about! I'm taking classes during this summer and it is so hard to be involved and care about them! I wish I could sleep all day as much as I want to! But I have so many things going on, I can't get a break! However, a lot of the things going on I just don't care about. Apathy is crippling but it doesn't last forever!
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