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Apathy overdrive

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Krem, Apr 7, 2010.

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  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Attempt number 17.

    Lately, I've been experiencing apathy, on a scale which worries me. Not just "I don't wanna go to work/school" apathy, but "Getting out of bed is too much. Just lie here.". Even getting up, walking a step or two, and getting in front of the computer takes almost titanic effort, and actually typing something, and reading, takes more. This has gotten to the point where I can't be arsed to live, but actually killing myself is too much of an effort.
  2. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Krem,

    I can relate to that. I'm not there at the moment, but I remember a time when I felt precisely what you described. The worst that I felt, was ironically due to medication that I was on. I felt absolutely devoid of emotions. For instance I would watch a comedy on tv, and when something funny happens, I would think "That's funny" without being able to laugh or even the faintest sign of an emotion that normally accompanies laughter. I was the closest thing to a zombie you would ever get. Even after switching my meds, it took me a while to return to normal. That led me to believe that it wasn't just the meds that had that effect on me, but the depression as well. Are you on any meds at the moment?

    Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you other than keep fighting and keep posting. This really is a place that can help you heal, so keep sharing your thoughts - maybe someone else can be more helpful.

    Anyways, all the best!

  3. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I don't have the excuse of having drugs. This is pure me. Just.. more me than I would like.

    And I'm bitter enough to say that the "comedy" on TV is unfunny. Painfully so.

    But I find your signature amusing.
  4. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Krem,

    Thanx - yeah Bill Maher is a funny guy. Anyway, I just used my stint on the meds as an example. I've felt that way before and after that bad cocktail of meds, but not as severe. Depression takes away all the enjoyment out of life, so it's unreasonable to think you're not going to become a little apathetic after you've been suffering for a while.

    How long have you been feeling like this? Have you considered going on medication to treat your illness? Are you seeing a psych or a doctor about this?
  5. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    No doctor. I've been with a few over my life, but nothing has been done.

    And, I don't remember me being happy. Except once, but unless I become retarded, I won't be able to enjoy myself on that level again.

    And it's not that I'm in pain or anything. Just an endless, bleak desert.
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I feel for you Krem. I'm doing a little better now, but the memories of bleaker times are all too fresh to forget about. For me those times were the hardest. It's two totally different experiences - being in pain and being depressed. Depression carries a certain amount of pain, but during my toughest times it was precisely that feeling of not feeling or caring about anything that was the toughest to get through. I'm by no means a great example of depression being cured, but for me it did get better with time. I don't think my depression has really subsided all that much. I think I've just learned how to cope a little better than I did before.

    Would you perhaps consider seeing a doctor again? It sounds to me you haven't really had a good experience so far. I think it's tough finding a doctor you can trust completely, but once you find the right one they can be EXTREMELY helpful. The thing is that you can't reason your way out of a mental illness, no matter how intelligent you are. Your mind is where the problem lies in the first place. You need someone to give an objective opinion about your thought patterns and how you react to certain stressors in your life. Medication in most cases is just a temporary solution plug the existing leaks, while you're building a new wall with therapy.

    I'll leave you with this thought - during my darkest hour I could have sworn to you that I haven't had a happy moment since my depression started several years earlier. I would have told you nobody cares, that I had no friends, that no one would notice when I'm gone, that I'm doing everyone a favor by removing myself from the world, that I was the exact thing that was wrong with the world and I deserved to be punished. I would have told you this without hesitation or doubt in my mind about whether I was being truthful. I genuinely believed all those things due to my depression. Looking back my problems wasn't even that big, but due to the chemical imbalance that the depression caused, my problems didn't really matter. I could have been the most fortunate person on earth, I still would have felt the same way. Just keep in mind that you're brain is your worst enemy at the moment. You need to find the root cause of your depression to be able to fight it. You need to determine whether you have situational depression, where some event or situation in your life has caused you to develop depression, or whether you have clinical depression caused by an underlying chronic mental illness, which you need to take medication for.

    Remember that psychology is still a relatively new field and new things are being discovered everyday. With all the research going on at the moment, the medications are becoming more effective each day. Who knows, maybe they will eventually find a cure. But for the moment, depression is manageable. And when you really can't cope, there is always SF to help you through your darkest hour.

    I really hope things start looking up for you soon. All the best!

  7. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I really, really try not to sound too whiny. "I have no friends" and so on.. it just sounds too much like an attention-seeking 13 year old. But the kicker is, I hardly do. I have none 'in real life', and I have only three on the internet. (One is a member of this forum, indeed.)

    And, yes, I have considered it. I even have an apointment, but that's my home-doctor, or whatever it's called.
    The row of psychologists(?) didn't help me, as far as I know, not because I didn't trust them. Me being able to talk to people about these things don't require trust. Besides, it's their job, they get paid for this. All in all, I have a slight hint that it's my parents. Not the 'my parents don't understand me-- nobody does!!!!!' cripe, but more that they're in some sort of denial. One of my earliest ones told them I might have some autism. They did nothing, kept it from me. Sometimes, the doctors know more about my medical history than myself, so I wonder what else I don't know.

    Slightly off-topic, I just woke up.
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