Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Mar 22, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm not quite sure if apathy best describes how I am feeling right now but it seems to be pretty close. In fact, I just don't really feel anything at all. And I don't really care about anything. Well, I still care about some things. I care about my family, my best friend and my job but that's as far as it goes. I've neglected some of my bills, not because I can't pay for them, because I can, I just haven't been bothered about sorting it out. I am now up to date as my fiancé made me sort them all out and pay for them but it never bothered me at all. That is really unlike me as I know the struggles that me and my family have been through with money over the years and I vowed I'd never get into the financial mess that my dad did, so I have always been careful with my finances over the years. Anything to do with me I don't care about. I am not cooking for myself so I have not been eating. When my fiancé cooks, I will eat it but only because he forces me to eat. As a result I have lost a lot of weight. I needed new uniforms at work because mine were severely baggy and my new ones were quite tight, but now even they are getting a bit baggy. I don't know why I don't care about eating, because I love food, or I did. I don't eat the entire 12.5 hours I am at work unless I am feeling really lightheaded and faint and even then I only usually muster jam on toast. I can't remember the last time I bought myself any new clothes. All my clothes now are years old and I could really do with some more, but again, I'm not bothered to go. I think the last time I bought something for myself was in October when I bought a new jumper but I can't remember the last time I bought something like new jeans and tops before then. I always used to wear makeup, even if it was just a bit of blush and mascara for work, but I don't bother anymore. I've not plucked my eyebrows in god knows how long, and I think Wednesday was the first time I'd shaved my legs in I don't know how long. I don't know why I don't care so much, because no matter how bad I have felt in the past I have always looked after myself fairly well but now I just don't care.

    I have a lot going on for me at the moment which probably explains why I feel so apathetic but I just can't seem to shake this horrible, gaping void that I am experiencing. This current state is currently making me feel suicidal, not in the sense that I am obsessing over death or planning it but when I think about my future, there is none, all I see is blackness. And all I can think is that one day I know I will kill myself, I just don't know when, but I know that my suicide is the only thing I am certain about right now. I don't know how, or when, but I know it will happen.

    I don't know how I can shake this off, I don't want to feel this way. No, I have not discussed this with a doctor yet. I don't want them screwing about with my medications because despite how I feel right now my meds are keeping me functional, somewhat rational and balanced (I have bipolar, my moods were all over the place and was constantly cycling with no respite, that has stopped now thanks to my meds). The last thing I want is for them to mess around with them, becoming unwell whilst weaning off then having the joys of starting new meds, no, just no. And most of what is going on is situational, it's just learning how to deal with that in the mean time. I am having therapy to learn how to deal with my shit, but obviously, it is throwing up a lot of stuff which is no doubt not helping how I feel right now, but it is something I am working on and hopefully will settle in the future. But how do I deal with this now? I can't help but think that since my moods have stabilised a great deal, that this is the best that it's ever gonna get. I've been told that my treatments are just to try and manage and cope with my illness but will not cure it, so it's always going to be there, it's just about keeping me as stable as possible and giving me the tools to deal with triggers and emotions.

    I don't really know where I am going with this, but to know that someone has read this and I am not alone will mean a great deal, because this is the loneliest, shittiest place I have been in for a long while.
  2. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I can relate to almost everything in your post. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, I also have a problem with substance abuse. The inability to get things done is horrible, or rather the inability to care enough to get things done. I have no idea how to cure myself of this either, everything is just ashes in my mouth. Right now I'm just trying to keep up appointments and do something each day, even if I have to do everything in "manual mode". I also try to distract myself with things to keep my mind off the bad stuff (sometime that works okay).

    You are not alone with those feelings, I hope you can find something to alleviate the pain.
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. I also struggle with apathy and know what a terrible impact it can have on life. Like quicksand. Ugh. A living death. One of the few things that really helps is interacting with people who get it, so I'm glad you wrote this.

    It sounds like you've got an excellent understanding of this issues so I hesitate to offer any advice, but one thing that struck me as possibly very important is your loss of appetite and weight loss. Have you checked to make sure there aren't any underlying medical issues you might not know about already?

    I hope something breaks soon, to help you out of this!
  4. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    Butterfly your condition sounds alot different than mine, i don't have bipolar and i don't really understand it much. But apathy is something i understand all too well. And coincidentally, something recently happened that made me feel less apathetic about life. Unfortunately, it was the death of someone i knew. I didn't really know this person at all, but i was used to her presence. She was only in her 20's. Her death has made me consider taking up things that i used to do again and sharing thing's i've done, just so i can let the world know who i am while i still have the chance. I don't know, it may turn out to be a fleeting notion. And this probably doesn't help you much, i'm certainly not going to advise you to wait around for someone you know to die so you can appreciate life again. I just thought i'd share this experience. I'm sorry if it doesn't help or possibly even make you feel worse. Just please don't give up. I like you and so do many people here, and so do many people outside of here by the sounds of it.

    I wish you all the best, and i hope you can find a way to feel better someday.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It's just horrible, having this horrible, empty, black hole sucking the life and emotion out of you. I'm used to feeling extremes because of the bipolar. I'm used to feeling excitable, elated, irritable and on the other end of the spectrum, intense sadness and despair. I'm not wishing I was experiencing those extremes because they were terrible, but I felt something and I did sometimes have normal feelings of emotion every now and again when I wasn't mood cycling. And I was able to react emotionally. At the moment I am just void of anything emotion or feeling and feel like I am on auto pilot, just existing. If someone was to tell me everybody I loved had died in some horrible accident, I don't think I'd be able to show any emotion or react. There have been so many times recently where all I've wanted to do is cry, but the tears won't come. There's been times where I should have been angry or upset, but nothing. Just a meh. There have been times where I should have been able to smile, but it won't come. I hate this, I hate this so much!

    As for the not eating thing. I wouldn't say I have lost my appetite because I still feel hunger, I am just choosing not to eat. So if you don't eat, you lose weight. It's nothing to worry about (in the physical sense), my last lot of bloods were okay so I don't have any concerns about my physical health. I am more concerned about this state of apathy.
  6. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    Butterfly, maybe you need to bite the bullet and get your meds messed with. I know you said it's a non-option for you, but perhaps you could find another doctor who understands bipolar better? Perhaps someone with a better treatment plan for changing your meds so your bipolar symptoms wouldn't resurface so severely? Easy for me to say, i know. I live in a rural area and would probably have to travel far to find another doctor. I don't know your ability to do that. I wish i had something better to say. You seem like a good person and it pains me to see you suffer so.
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It's not a meds issue. It's not that my meds have stopped working or are less effective because that's not true. You could put me on a magic pill and it wouldn't change how I feel right now because it's not because of chemical imbalances this time round, it's what I am experiencing so messing with my meds is just gonna add fuel to the fire and cause more problems than it solves. They don't need changing, I am happy with the meds. It's also not as simple as just switching my doctor, it doesn't work like that here. You get doctors and services based on where you live. I have one pdoc that covers my area, and it's a large area and not able to switch. I have only just got my meds back to a therapeutic level as I stupidly stopped them a few months ago and became unwell. I'm not going back to that place. It's frightening how quickly I became psychotic after stopping, changing at the moment is just not an option for me at the moment.
  8. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    Ok, i'm sorry, i guess i didn't understand.
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