I'm not quite sure if apathy best describes how I am feeling right now but it seems to be pretty close. In fact, I just don't really feel anything at all. And I don't really care about anything. Well, I still care about some things. I care about my family, my best friend and my job but that's as far as it goes. I've neglected some of my bills, not because I can't pay for them, because I can, I just haven't been bothered about sorting it out. I am now up to date as my fiancé made me sort them all out and pay for them but it never bothered me at all. That is really unlike me as I know the struggles that me and my family have been through with money over the years and I vowed I'd never get into the financial mess that my dad did, so I have always been careful with my finances over the years. Anything to do with me I don't care about. I am not cooking for myself so I have not been eating. When my fiancé cooks, I will eat it but only because he forces me to eat. As a result I have lost a lot of weight. I needed new uniforms at work because mine were severely baggy and my new ones were quite tight, but now even they are getting a bit baggy. I don't know why I don't care about eating, because I love food, or I did. I don't eat the entire 12.5 hours I am at work unless I am feeling really lightheaded and faint and even then I only usually muster jam on toast. I can't remember the last time I bought myself any new clothes. All my clothes now are years old and I could really do with some more, but again, I'm not bothered to go. I think the last time I bought something for myself was in October when I bought a new jumper but I can't remember the last time I bought something like new jeans and tops before then. I always used to wear makeup, even if it was just a bit of blush and mascara for work, but I don't bother anymore. I've not plucked my eyebrows in god knows how long, and I think Wednesday was the first time I'd shaved my legs in I don't know how long. I don't know why I don't care so much, because no matter how bad I have felt in the past I have always looked after myself fairly well but now I just don't care. I have a lot going on for me at the moment which probably explains why I feel so apathetic but I just can't seem to shake this horrible, gaping void that I am experiencing. This current state is currently making me feel suicidal, not in the sense that I am obsessing over death or planning it but when I think about my future, there is none, all I see is blackness. And all I can think is that one day I know I will kill myself, I just don't know when, but I know that my suicide is the only thing I am certain about right now. I don't know how, or when, but I know it will happen. I don't know how I can shake this off, I don't want to feel this way. No, I have not discussed this with a doctor yet. I don't want them screwing about with my medications because despite how I feel right now my meds are keeping me functional, somewhat rational and balanced (I have bipolar, my moods were all over the place and was constantly cycling with no respite, that has stopped now thanks to my meds). The last thing I want is for them to mess around with them, becoming unwell whilst weaning off then having the joys of starting new meds, no, just no. And most of what is going on is situational, it's just learning how to deal with that in the mean time. I am having therapy to learn how to deal with my shit, but obviously, it is throwing up a lot of stuff which is no doubt not helping how I feel right now, but it is something I am working on and hopefully will settle in the future. But how do I deal with this now? I can't help but think that since my moods have stabilised a great deal, that this is the best that it's ever gonna get. I've been told that my treatments are just to try and manage and cope with my illness but will not cure it, so it's always going to be there, it's just about keeping me as stable as possible and giving me the tools to deal with triggers and emotions. I don't really know where I am going with this, but to know that someone has read this and I am not alone will mean a great deal, because this is the loneliest, shittiest place I have been in for a long while.