i have a good life. i have a family that loves me. i have a fiance that loves me. i have friends that care for me. sometimes i just can't do it. it seems as if everything becomes...repulsive. i'm a loner. always been. i think i'm happy, most of the time. but what gets me is this apathy that tries to overcome me. where i sleep to not wake up and see LIFE. life feels so big. such responsibility. you have to get up, you have to move, breathe, eat, take care of yourself. it seems so much, so hard. so pointless. i don't like humans very much. i sure like my parents and my finace and some friends. i love them. but it seems as if this is not enough. or rather too much. i don't know anymore. today i hurt myself, sitting on the toilett and dragging the sharp ends of my pair of tweezers over my leg, over and over, just to feel alive again. i don't like pain, but this made me feel anything for a few seconds. why am i not happy? i have everything i could wish for. but i just can't care sometimes, not anymore. i deliberately sabotage myself, repeatedly, at university, at work, at everything. i see the problems that may result if i do so, can cleary imagine the consequences and yet, and STILL I DO IT. why? i can't find the answer to that. why would i do such a thing? it doesn't make sense. none of it does. where does this apathy come from?