apologies & explanations to my recent behaviour.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Sa Palomera, Feb 20, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    - warning, could grow quite long, for those close to me: please bare with me and read it all -​


    Yeh I guess I owe y'all a big apology for my recent behaviour; acting out, crying out, throwing tantrums, going off in the middle of conversations, saying goodbyes, coming in to chat and then go all quiet, worrying people, and the list goes on and on. Well, firstly I'd like to apologize for that kind of behaviour, y'all are having a hard time as it is, and you don't need me on top of all that, so yeh, My Apologies :sad:

    Also an explanation would be at his place here, I guess.. Well as some of you might know I'm in a bit of a difficult situation with my Father and his wife at the moment. I've been saying that I don't give a toss for months, and that I'd love to break all contact with them. Well after Christmas it came to that point. I haven't spoken to them since, except for one nasty email they sent me in reply to an email I sent (which I honestly thought to be a nice email, but meh). This all is affecting me much more than I'd admit to myself. I was already having some issues but this just .... well it's too much for me at the moment.

    I came here to SF about a year ago, because I was suicidal and drank too much and god knows what else. I stayed for a bit, then left and came back somewhere during the Summer. I've been here eversince. I was a strong person, or at least I seemed like that to the outworld. I came back to SF to listen to people, offer them support and of course there was lots of chat&yacking going on in the chatroom. I was strong. Then when Uni started I got back into depression. and I guess from there it's only grown worse :dry: I've started drinking again, got into (soft)drugs and all that. Yet I managed to be able to offer a listening ear to people. Trying to outnumber myself. Then, somewhere about a Month ago, when I got that email from my parents, I broke down. MJ, Devastated, - vikki - and blub were there that night. They saved my life that night and every day again I wish they hadn't. I hit rock bottom that evening and haven't found my way up eversince.

    These last days I've been 'celebrating' Carnaval, mostly by getting drunk off my face and every night again I would end up in front of the cupboard where my parents keep their meds. and in front of their liquor-stash. No good. But also, I've had lots of time to think, to revise my own life.

    Ive been a pain in the arse lately, especially to - vikki - and Devastated and I owe them a lot. Yet all I keep doing is hurting everyone. It's like talking to me is inevitably connected to getting hurt.

    Y'all have been telling me to go get professional help, yet I haven't done so. Why not? Obviously not because I like feeling like this, because i DON'T like feeling the way I do. No, I haven't done so because I strongly believe I deserve this. This is the punishment for everything I did (I'll get back to that). But what I don't want is for it to affect other people, which it is doing now. So I'm kind of stuck, because I cannot get help, because I do not deserve help. I deserve to suffer. It's the punishment for everything I've done in my life, which includes some things I've NEVER told ANYONE and which I'll NEVER tell ANYONE in the future either. Not even Sharon knew it, and not even K. knows it. And that says a lot, if I even didn't ever tell Sharon and K. about it.

    It is what I deserve, but obviously I can't do this to myself without affecting the people on here that are close to me. Which is exactly why I have been trying to stay away from SF and take distance from people for so long. With a few people it worked. I managed to take distance from a few people (you know who you are), but theres also a few people who keep breaking through my barrier.


    I don't know what else to say, really. I guess Id better end this post right here, as it's already grown way too long to have anyone read it anyway.

    My apologies.

    Hopefully things will change soon, but until I am doing better, I will try to stay away from SF, for everybody's sake (including my own).

    Hopefully the ones I've hurt with my recent behaviour will one day be able to forgive me.

    once again:

    I apologize
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    oh and if you read this, imitationclown:

    I'm really sorry for being such a pain in the arse and then suddenly pull back like that. I know you're having a fucking hard time yourself and I was so glad that we finally got back in touch, and then all I do is be a pain in the arse to pull back all of a sudden. I'm so sorry. Hopefully you still want to talk to me some day. Please let me know if you want to, you know how to reach me.
    Ik hou van je :hug:


    also I want to offer my apologies to wienerman, - vikki - and MJ for what I've put you through and for my irresponsible behaviour and for hurting you the way I did.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2007
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Est, for the umpteenth time, please get some profesional help. All this guilt stuff has to be sorted and got rid off!!!!

    Everyone does shit in their lives that they wish they could take back or undo, you try to put it right and if you can't; learn from it and never do it again.

    Get some help, get back to uni and put the relationship with your dad on the back burner until you've talked it thru with a professional. Hopefully they will be able to give you a way to repair your relationship with him or move on from it.

    Life doesnt have to be the awful place you keep finding yourself in. :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun, you owe me nothing and you've not been a pain in the arse to me. I don't know what this is all about, i know some of it. But i don't know why you wanna punish yourself so badly. Maybe your scared to tell someoen in fear of how they might react? You can talk to me about anything, you know how much i care for you.

    Guess im one of the ones that keep breaking through the barrier right? To be honest im glad i can still talk to you. Especially that night with the meds. You know the lengths i had to go to so you would stop. I was willing to harm myself in one way or another if it meant that you stopped. I care A LOT. Please remember that.

    I'm here anytime and allways will be.

    Viks x
     
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    This is what I don't get. I've been here hurting and worrying every single one of you and you guys come in here giving me hugs. :unsure: I was expecting people to say things like "yes, you're right, you DO owe me an apology" and angry people, or no replies at all, and yet you guys come in being nice, saying you care and sending hugs. That hurts even more then when you would get mad at me, because I am a horrible person.

    The guilt I feel serves me right. Being hurt serves me right. I will get better eventually, but for now I have to live my life this way. I know that once I'll be back at Uni, things will change and I might even go seek for help then, but I do not deserve to feel good just yet. No matter how much I'd love to be happy, I can't yet.

    Please do not say things like "learn from mistakes, put it in the past" etc, Devastated. You do not know what mistakes I made and what I did wrong, therefore you can't judge that. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate your words, but since I am the only one who knows, I'm the only one who can judge.

    Thanks for baring with me all that time.
     
  6. I often wonder what life is about and I think that each time I do something bad I score negative points and each time I do something good I score positive points. I kind of think that I can't really leave the world until I have a score of +1 or more. If you've done harm in the world then feeling bad or hurting yourself simply fails to make the world a better place. If you need to atone for your sins then at least pick a penance that is worthwhile.

    "To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right." - Confucius.
     
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: Est :)
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Please, do, Est. Please!! :cry:
     
  9. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Hi Ishtar,

    I don't know you very well but I can tell you are confused, hurt, and in need of support.

    You are making the assumption that your "acting out" behavior is something you are doing intentionally to harm and manipulate others. Now, if this is the case then by all means apologize. However, if it has more to do with a reflection of the chaos that is in you, then you are merely "acting out" as a result of that chaos, not to cause chaos. You are also writing a message to "push" people away at the same time very much asking for our help and support. perhaps you are afraid to ask directly for help when you need it, maybe you have been let down a lot. But it's ok to ask for help and support. To ask for encouraging cheers and group hugs!
    :groupwave:
    :grouphug:
    It's also a distorted thought (which we all have from time to time) that you cause harm to others by sharing your feelings with them. You said: It's like talking to me is inevitably connected to getting hurt. This is not a true thought but a personal belief that does you more harm than good. It is also a self statement designed to put distance between you and others, a way you can justify to yourself to NOT seek the help and support offered to you. Probably because you are scared to allow yourself to be helped and supported for fear of disssapointment, etc..

    You said: So I'm kind of stuck, because I cannot get help, because I do not deserve help. I deserve to suffer. It's the punishment for everything I've done in my life, :hug: This is also a distorted thought and a way to push people away. It is not uncommon for a person to feel personal guilt or shame followed by a conflicting need for closeness to others and at the same time fear of others. (am I making sense?)

    Axiom: The closer we are to others the greater our fear and need to withdraw, the farther we are from others the greater our need for closeness. catch 22. And so we go back and forth like a yoyo. Sometimes breaking friendships and starting new ones, sometimes trying to repair friendships and then pushing them away again.

    I encourage you to keep trying to make connections to us on this web site. the people on this site are able to understand better than most people you will ever meet in RL.

    Here is a helpful site and info. http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame.html

    :)
     
  10. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i hope that one day i will be able to write a brave thread like this [not that i personally am aware of anything you need to apologise for though in your case] and apologise to people too and try and put things as rightas i can.ANd i am sorry for your pain hun.Always here for ya.Hugs.
     
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