- warning, could grow quite long, for those close to me: please bare with me and read it all -
Yeh I guess I owe y'all a big apology for my recent behaviour; acting out, crying out, throwing tantrums, going off in the middle of conversations, saying goodbyes, coming in to chat and then go all quiet, worrying people, and the list goes on and on. Well, firstly I'd like to apologize for that kind of behaviour, y'all are having a hard time as it is, and you don't need me on top of all that, so yeh, My Apologies :sad:
Also an explanation would be at his place here, I guess.. Well as some of you might know I'm in a bit of a difficult situation with my Father and his wife at the moment. I've been saying that I don't give a toss for months, and that I'd love to break all contact with them. Well after Christmas it came to that point. I haven't spoken to them since, except for one nasty email they sent me in reply to an email I sent (which I honestly thought to be a nice email, but meh). This all is affecting me much more than I'd admit to myself. I was already having some issues but this just .... well it's too much for me at the moment.
I came here to SF about a year ago, because I was suicidal and drank too much and god knows what else. I stayed for a bit, then left and came back somewhere during the Summer. I've been here eversince. I was a strong person, or at least I seemed like that to the outworld. I came back to SF to listen to people, offer them support and of course there was lots of chat&yacking going on in the chatroom. I was strong. Then when Uni started I got back into depression. and I guess from there it's only grown worse :dry: I've started drinking again, got into (soft)drugs and all that. Yet I managed to be able to offer a listening ear to people. Trying to outnumber myself. Then, somewhere about a Month ago, when I got that email from my parents, I broke down. MJ, Devastated, - vikki - and blub were there that night. They saved my life that night and every day again I wish they hadn't. I hit rock bottom that evening and haven't found my way up eversince.
These last days I've been 'celebrating' Carnaval, mostly by getting drunk off my face and every night again I would end up in front of the cupboard where my parents keep their meds. and in front of their liquor-stash. No good. But also, I've had lots of time to think, to revise my own life.
Ive been a pain in the arse lately, especially to - vikki - and Devastated and I owe them a lot. Yet all I keep doing is hurting everyone. It's like talking to me is inevitably connected to getting hurt.
Y'all have been telling me to go get professional help, yet I haven't done so. Why not? Obviously not because I like feeling like this, because i DON'T like feeling the way I do. No, I haven't done so because I strongly believe I deserve this. This is the punishment for everything I did (I'll get back to that). But what I don't want is for it to affect other people, which it is doing now. So I'm kind of stuck, because I cannot get help, because I do not deserve help. I deserve to suffer. It's the punishment for everything I've done in my life, which includes some things I've NEVER told ANYONE and which I'll NEVER tell ANYONE in the future either. Not even Sharon knew it, and not even K. knows it. And that says a lot, if I even didn't ever tell Sharon and K. about it.
It is what I deserve, but obviously I can't do this to myself without affecting the people on here that are close to me. Which is exactly why I have been trying to stay away from SF and take distance from people for so long. With a few people it worked. I managed to take distance from a few people (you know who you are), but theres also a few people who keep breaking through my barrier.
I don't know what else to say, really. I guess Id better end this post right here, as it's already grown way too long to have anyone read it anyway.
Hopefully things will change soon, but until I am doing better, I will try to stay away from SF, for everybody's sake (including my own).
Hopefully the ones I've hurt with my recent behaviour will one day be able to forgive me.