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Apparently emotions are not allowed....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ziva, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I live in a home with my mom and my cat Buddy. My mom has been flipping out at me, accusing me of doing drugs(thing is, I DON'T do drugs, only time I actually did was an overdose on what I was prescribed so I could die, but obviously that failed). She drinks, and she is not the type of alcoholic that neglects housework, but she does get verbally abusive when she drinks. She says how she always has to "kiss my ass" and can't say anything to me. That's not true at all. How would you like it if someone yelled at you, called you mean things, and told you that you have been nothing but a burden since you were born? She doesn't tell me that I was nothing but a burden since I was born everytime, but even once is too much. She has said it a few times to my father on the phone, who I would live with if I could, but he has his own issues, he's in a wheelchair and he lives in an apartment and he needs someone to take care of him 24/7, and I tried, but I can't do it. Living by myself is not an option either, since according to my mom, the welfare system won't support me living on my own if I already am living with someone- basically they will only support you if you're on the streets looking for a home or something. I thought about getting us some counselling, but she won't do it, since to her, I'm the problem, not her, she's perfect. I admit, I'm not perfect, but I try to be "sensible" and "happy". I try not to show her my emotions since she gets mad at me if I do show her any sign of being upset or something. Also, I had a brain injury when I was born which has made many things difficult for me, there is a cyst covering the entire right side of my brain that can't be removed, the doctors only put in a shunt to prevent the fluid from the cyst from building up(this was done in a different part of Canada than I currently reside, I was born in the part I had the shunt put in), and we only found that out in 2009, and I had the surgery in 1989, when I was born. It took twenty years for us to find that out, and I was seeing a pediatrics neurologist since I was four years old, and we were never told anything by the pediatrics neurologist about the cyst not being removed(we were told it was), and it was only after I had a Grand Mal Seizure in 2008 and this nurse made my life hell for it because I hit her while in a seizure IN A HOSPITAL BED(that's a whole other story, see other posts I made for that).

    If I had any friends or family living here I would move in with them, but I don't, so I'm stuck with her. With her, she acts like she's always right, if she says that the sky is purple when it is actually blue then the sky is purple, since you can't convince her it's blue no matter what. I try to look at the positives, but it is becoming harder and harder with all of this crap going on.

    I am suicidal, as I have been since I was young, and they say life fets better? HA! I have been dealing with a lot of crap since I was born practically, and I just can't take it anymore. I really am considering ending it all tonight, since I won't have to deal with any more of this emotional or psychological pain that I'm dealing with, And I have tried psychologists, I have been seeing psychologists since I was 12 years old, and none of it has worked. Maybe that is why. I'm just too much of a fucked up case that has no hope. I'm just waiting for my number to be called so I can die, and I hope it's soon. Every suicide attempt so far has failed, I hope this one works.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You have way too much going on in your life Ziva and it's not surprising that you're finding it difficult to cope.
    You really need to seek some proper medical help. I think that you should also consider joining something like Al-Anon which is a support group for the family of alcoholics.
    I can't remember if you're on meds or not sorry. Having a bad time myself at the moment so not much use here really.
  3. jeffbuddy

    jeffbuddy Member

    are there any shelters for battered women around there? you could try out something like that before you call it quits.

    I'm here for ya.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    why don't you appy for disability. your doctor can sign the forms. then you can move out on your own. it's not much but it's enough to pay the rent on your own place. you can explain that it's not possible to stay at your mother's anymore. she's not telling you the truth about gettting some support from the government.
  5. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the help, I did attempt suicide last night but just threw up all over the floor. I'm just exhausted with it all.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is time to go to hospital call crisis and get some support in place for yourself okay. Time to look after YOU now No more taking pills that will only harm you more Please call crisis line or emergency and go get some help now okay You need that and deserve that help hugs.
  7. Can you please don't kill yourself?? Get to the nearest and biggest hospital emergency room and tell them you are suicidal and ask to be able to speak to a psychologist or counsellor (not psychiatrist because they only know how to prescribe medications and most of the time, don't do counselling). Just spill it out to the counsellor and of course, don't do it in an agitated state. Try to be calm and speak in a calm way.. also tell the emergency dr to admit you into the hospital where necessary for further treatments. Hope you will get well soon. Take care and stay away from all the stuffs which can harm you.. PLS..
  8. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I've went to counsellors, and they're useless. They don't pprescribe medications, antyhing. Anyway, sorry if this is a pointless thread.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is not a pointless thread you need help you need to call your doctor and get some support okay call crisis line and get some support.
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