Apparently I am invincible. . .

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jameslyons, Feb 28, 2009.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Ok. SO I have just returned to the living. Two suicide attempts with nothing to show for it except for a bruised abdomen and , later on, vomit all over my floor. :( Jesus fucking christ. It didn't help one bit. After teh first failed stabbing-- my toools are apparently subpar - I just felt like crying. After the OD I just felt sick. . . My God, I'miserable.


    Now would we like to hear the great joke of it all? My laptop's background light died. So right now I type this facing a pitch black screen. Ha ha. Tha'ts so funny. I would go to the hospital, but its the end of the month. So until my roommates give me the money for some utilities, I'm stuck here (can't go to the hospital and risk being quarantined for a week, thus not able to pay the house bills that are in my name) and clearly I can't tell my family that I just tried to off myself as they'll be somewhat insistant on the hospital. So yup - no real ability to use my computer , no support in the real world.

    Over the past 5 months I've had 4 suicide attempts (3 if you consider tonigt a double-whammy). And of course as somebody who writes, occassionally for that little thing called money. It's just so awesome that the computer backlight went dark today. I"m so excited.

    It's 300 am now. I slept from 9 to 300. And as i'm stuck with nothing to do as my computer backlight is dead and the computer near impossible to maneuver through i am once again trapped with my thoughts. I don't see the fucking point. Two failures tonight and all I can think of is how miserable and upest I continue to be. I wanted to kill myself and still want to kill myself.

    The fucked up thing about the hospital is that as soon as tomorrow strikes I'll no longer be in crises. See if you have schitzophrenia then you're a danger to yourself and can be put into the hospital. If you're clinically depressed and repeatedly trying to kill yourself - then you're just wasting valuable state resources and you get a trip to the crisis ward. If you attempt an OD you're in crisis. If you live with the suicide compulsion then you should seek help elsewhere.

    :(

    And besides feeling really sad. I also feel guilty for not completing it. I should have done it . Either way, I'm still here, though my computer's as effective as a blind man climbing K2. So I won't respond to as many things.

    James,

    apparently immune to death :blub:
     
  2. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    fuck i am glad it didn't work tho i understand you will not want to hear that and i do also empathise..

    try a desktop screen plugged into your laptop if you can get hold of one..

    i am worried about you but cannot even get enough thoughts into words to make a difference to you. but i do give a shit james :(
     
  3. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I came out of an OD unscathed, even though I took a lethal dose by most accounts. All logic tells me I should have at least got a coma. There was also an incident of me taking a swig of some of the stuff under the counter - Lysol I think it was. Nothing. Nobody else even said I was pale or green. What's also nice is being unable to tie a know well enough to make the plastic bag airtight.

    I don't know where you live, but I know in Canada you can, and I am, getting residential treatment at a hospital for mostly depression. Of course treatment varies from place to place, but if you haven't already, at least ask if there is such a program you could be put into.
     
  4. MourningAngel

    MourningAngel Well-Known Member

    i don't know what to say since i'm suicidal again at the moment but i'm glad you'restill here, so many people would miss you, you're not alone
    take care
     
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate your sentiments. I'm glad to be here too. Though... I really wish I had tricked the depression into thinking it had killed me. That way it would have made its escape on the 3:23 to Atlanta before starting a new life as Mr. Stanley Ister in Belgium.

    Lovecraft, things in California are a bit tight. And not in a good way. There's not much hope for poor people with depression in regards to treatment. But maybe I'll marry into a Canadian family and use the benefits :tongue:

    Look at that a sense of humor slowly emerges.
     
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    :console:hey. i sent you a pm. . .just wanted to post here to say i am SO glad you failed. and are still with us.
    and i am really sorry for the tight spot you are in.
    you are in my thoughts.
    pm me if you want to talk.
    i like you so much.....xxxxx
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey james,
    I am just now getting to know you, but have read all your posts and replies to others. You are alot stronger thanyou give yourself credit for. You are ashining light to so many here at the forum..Please don't give up on life!! I am also extremely suicidal and was on suicidal watch for years..When I am here at the forum I am a totally different person, I have found that I still care about others even though I haven't had afriend in real life for the last twenty years..Keep trying and I will do the same. I look forward to getting to know you better...Take care!!
     
  8. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're still here James. You haven't lost your awesome sense of humour either.

    Next time talk to us about how bad you're doing hun.

    :hug: Claire xx
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    am glad you're still here mate.

    Place wouldn't be the same without you. Please hang in there.
     
  10. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    James,

    I too am glad you are still here. We need you. Heck my dumbass needs you. :laugh:


    Take care bro!
     
  11. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks everybody. I'll stick around a bit longer - you wouldn't believe the struggle I had to get rent paid; you can bet I'm going to live up that room in March :tongue:

    I'll just be going a bit crazy now and then, but besides that I'll be alive. And that's the best place to be crazy in - dead people really have no sense of humor. :laugh:

    You all made me fill good. Like Easter morning and not having to go to church good. :)

    thanks.

    James,

    feeling warm and a bit crazy.
     
  12. emma2

    emma2 Well-Known Member

    (((((((hugs))))))) im glad it didnt work.

    hun you need any think pm me ok

    Im here for you :)

    Em

    xx
     
  13. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    BIG NEWS !
    This is really just a cheap marketing system to pickpocket your attention


    March 29th was the one month anniversary since my last suicide attempt. I was miserable that day, but still here all the same :).
     
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey James just wanted to say I am glad you are still with us..You are an important part of our little community!!Take Care Bro!!
     
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