I woke up this morning and didn't even want to get out of bed. I knew my brother was home and awake so I knew that someone would let the dog out so I honestly just wanted to stay in bed and not do anything for a few hours. But I did manage to get up and out of bed. But also I feel like I've been through so much abuse in my life that now it's to the point I abuse myself and don't know how to make it stop. I feel as though I can't even function enough to find a job and keep it anymore. And this is kind of strange for me to say because I have held a job for a long time before. Maybe I've changed since then, maybe it's all just finally become too much for me. And the worst part is when I start telling myself I have no reason I should be feeling like this. I start telling myself that people have it so much worse than I do so I shouldn't feel so shitty. My abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal. I have no scars that I purposely gave myself and I have no scars that show abuse. It doesn't matter that I'm living below poverty level because I still have a roof over my head, I still eat every day, and I still have the luxury of being able to go on a computer. And there are people who have it so much worse than me. It doesn't help to try and focus on the "good things" because I can't. I've tried and I can't because I end up feeling stupid that I have all this "good stuff" in my life and yet I still just feel like shit. And the worst part of all of it is that I feel like I don't even have the right to treatment because I'm not "suicidal." Yes, sometimes I have moments I wish I were dead, but I can't kill myself. No matter how many times I feel like wanting to I physically can't. I start to feel ashamed to even think about it because how many people would be so disappointed in me for making an attempt, whether successful or not. I honestly feel like if I tried and failed that people would just be yelling at me for being so stupid. And I can hear all the kinds of comments people would make at my theoretical funeral for if I succeeded. I hurt the most when I feel like I can't even talk to people I know about this either. My mom would just yell at me and tell me that I've never been a suicide risk, my therapist I had when I was in high school even told her I wasn't a risk. My sister would just say "big deal we all have times where we want to kill ourselves" and tell me again about the time she almost did. I can't talk to my brother because he's just a jerk who has always been one of my sources of verbal, emotional, and in a very few cases, physical abuse. I can't talk to my dad about it because he can't handle when I start crying and he just shrugs everything off. I can't talk to my fiancé because I can't hurt him like that. He knows I have days where I just want to be dead, but I can't bring myself to talk about them because it hurts him. And today I found myself unable to even say all this to people who have become my friends. I am afraid they would be hurt. I'm so afraid of hurting people that I just let myself be hurt instead. And I'm so tired of it.