Apparently I'm having a day

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songstress, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    I woke up this morning and didn't even want to get out of bed. I knew my brother was home and awake so I knew that someone would let the dog out so I honestly just wanted to stay in bed and not do anything for a few hours. But I did manage to get up and out of bed.

    But also I feel like I've been through so much abuse in my life that now it's to the point I abuse myself and don't know how to make it stop. I feel as though I can't even function enough to find a job and keep it anymore. And this is kind of strange for me to say because I have held a job for a long time before. Maybe I've changed since then, maybe it's all just finally become too much for me.

    And the worst part is when I start telling myself I have no reason I should be feeling like this. I start telling myself that people have it so much worse than I do so I shouldn't feel so shitty. My abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal. I have no scars that I purposely gave myself and I have no scars that show abuse. It doesn't matter that I'm living below poverty level because I still have a roof over my head, I still eat every day, and I still have the luxury of being able to go on a computer. And there are people who have it so much worse than me.

    It doesn't help to try and focus on the "good things" because I can't. I've tried and I can't because I end up feeling stupid that I have all this "good stuff" in my life and yet I still just feel like shit.

    And the worst part of all of it is that I feel like I don't even have the right to treatment because I'm not "suicidal." Yes, sometimes I have moments I wish I were dead, but I can't kill myself. No matter how many times I feel like wanting to I physically can't. I start to feel ashamed to even think about it because how many people would be so disappointed in me for making an attempt, whether successful or not. I honestly feel like if I tried and failed that people would just be yelling at me for being so stupid. And I can hear all the kinds of comments people would make at my theoretical funeral for if I succeeded.

    I hurt the most when I feel like I can't even talk to people I know about this either. My mom would just yell at me and tell me that I've never been a suicide risk, my therapist I had when I was in high school even told her I wasn't a risk. My sister would just say "big deal we all have times where we want to kill ourselves" and tell me again about the time she almost did. I can't talk to my brother because he's just a jerk who has always been one of my sources of verbal, emotional, and in a very few cases, physical abuse. I can't talk to my dad about it because he can't handle when I start crying and he just shrugs everything off. I can't talk to my fiancé because I can't hurt him like that. He knows I have days where I just want to be dead, but I can't bring myself to talk about them because it hurts him. And today I found myself unable to even say all this to people who have become my friends. I am afraid they would be hurt.

    I'm so afraid of hurting people that I just let myself be hurt instead. And I'm so tired of it.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Abuse has a way of catching up with us, especially if we have squashed the memories and got on with things.
    Maybe now is the time to get some therapy so that you can once and for all, face it and put it where it belongs; in the past.