Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Chickpea, Oct 10, 2007.

  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    He said he will see me in three weeks. I'm not planning on being alive for another three weeks. He said if I felt like my depression was getting in the way of work then we would try anti depressants.... it IS stopping me from working. I haven't done a scrap of work all summer, and not started it this term either. And so far I've skipped 2 out of 3 lectures because I feel bad.. I feel so damned depressed. But of course for some reason I don't feel able to SAY that to the psychiatrist. Why can't I say it? And I also failed to mention the fact I throw up about 5 times a day. These people aren't mind readers. I need to learn to speak up. :dry:

    I do see my counsellor on Monday though.... and the topic of suicide did come up last session. I don't know anymore. I feel so depressed and scared and alone. I've come up with a way to perhaps be more able to do my uni work though - I'll change my dissertation topic to euthanasia/suicide. Now THAT I can write about and read about. :sad:

    Basically I just want to die right now. It took all my strength out of my holding back my tears on the journey home today. :blub:
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    aww I know what you're going through. It's so hard to get motivated!
    And talking about suicide is tough. I've had to promise 3 professionals in the last 2 days that im not gonna kill myself, eek, I had to tell them my plans, shit that was hard! :mad:
    It's best to tell them everything, they're there to help
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    :hug: Well done for being honest with them. I find it hard in the short 10 minute style appointments with doctors to get the info out. I need coaxing lol.

    I'll try to be as honest as possible with my counsellor but if I tell them my plans, I'm afraid that she will tell someone or try to stop me. I want the decision to be up to me... plus my sessions are recorded on tape so she has solid proof of whatever I have said, and she can discuss it with my doctors. :blink: I've only seen her a few times so I'm a bit unsure of how much to trust her.... but she is really nice, and I'll tell her more about it on Monday. She knows I'm thinking about it, but I claimed to have no one particular method in mind (lie) and no date in mind (lie!). I hate being a liar :mad:
  4. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Oh my God.... I'm watching a documentary about the future.... I don't want to live in this world! It is so cold and scary! The doc. is about the possibility of living forever and is reminding me how much I DON'T want to live.... I more or less cut myself off from real life at the moment anyway. I can't bear it. I have to numb myself with alcohol and, if I had any contacts, Id use drugs. I just can't stand it. I don't like the way the world works... based on money, and bodily indulgence. I don't understand it and yet I'm a part of it. And I don't WANT to be a part of it, and yet it is 'wrong' for me to quit... and illegal for me to buy what I would need to leave peacefully. Oh my God. This is a nightmare. This is one huge nightmare.