April 16, 2008

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by }{Feather Pen}{, Apr 17, 2008.

  1. The day after taxes were due. I don’t even know if mine were filed.

    I find myself slipping into a deeper depression than I anticipated. This is by far the worst yet. Not because the circumstances are worse, even though they are, but now I don’t have my friends’ support. My phone’s cut off and for the most part I text my friends. I talk better with writing and text than speaking. My voice tends to crack easily, and even though people know I am crying and having a break down, I don’t want them to hear it. That makes me seem even more-so weak in my opinion.

    I’ve been spending a lot of my time in my room lately, listening to music and doing random stuff on my laptop. I keep having dreams about Mark, which doesn’t help at all. But I don’t know if it’s because I miss him or if it’s guilt. My mind won’t tell me which. I don’t feel either emotion while I’m awake, but I do in my dreams. Then, when I wake up from them, I feel this horrible burning in my chest. After that, for the rest of the day, I feel like crying. And if I see Mark on those days, I DO end up crying. I don’t know why. I think I just miss having someone. Because being with him was awful. I was always wrong, I was always the stupid one. And I am wrong, and I am stupid, but he didn’t have to point it out so Goddamn much. Sorry, I almost started crying again.

    Caitlin’s therapy thingy worked a little bit. Instead of hurting myself when I’m upset, I just use her advice and take pictures -- mainly of myself -- and put them on my laptop. There, I adjust all the color settings and brightness and contrast and stuff until I’m tired of it. If I really like the picture, I normally forget all about what I was upset about. I know there’ll be some days when I won’t be able to use this therapy or it won’t be enough, but maybe it’ll keep me from hurting myself so much.

    I’m just listening to Seether right now. Kelly and Bri got me this CD for my sixteenth birthday. I remember that. That was when Misty worked at Wal-Mart and when the two saw her there they got that CD and sent it home with my sister to give to me. It hardly skips at all after all this time, too. Guess I did alright.

    I wish I could go to Talladega. I guess this has always been my malfunction, or, well, one of many. When someone gets to go somewhere fun or when a whole group of people are going somewhere that’s not here, I always want to go. Like, BAD. I hate being left out. It’s the curse of being the youngest of the family, so to speak. Always left out. Not that it’s anyone’s fault but mine. I just can’t afford the sixty dollars to go. That’s it. Sixty dollars. Six thousand lousy pennies. I’ve scrounged up that many pennies from so many couches during my lifetime, but I ain’t got them now.

    I wish Les would call. I miss his voice. I miss human contact, actually. I don’t see my friends NEAR enough. Since I no longer have a social life, I’m doomed to my bedroom until graduation. It probably wouldn’t be as bad if MawMaw hadn’t gotten more than half our channels cut off, trying to save money. No more Cartoon Network, MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, or TNT. All I really have is Animal Planet, Nickelodeon, and Boomerang. And the local channels which occasionally show Family Guy, The Simpsons, and Scrubs. Yeah, I’m fucked.

    I haven’t written this much on my personal thoughts in forever. I guess I should stop here, then.