Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Prof.Bruttenholm, Jun 10, 2010.

  1. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I suppose this is appropriate.

    Though I am usually very open about the things that drive me mad.

    I've been considering suicide and a more complex plan of it for some time now.

    But this is the section to "let it all out.." so,

    I am tired, mentally and physically.
    Tired of trillions of things, big and small.

    Tired of reliving every bad memory I have and failing to bring any good to mind.
    Tired of my job, tired of the people around me.

    But deep down, I'm tired of myself.

    The last few days have been the worst, I feel empty, something is missing.
    I tried seeking spiritual guidance but no false idol or supernatural power has the answer and I don't take pills.
    I have not been diagnosed with anything, not that a doctor could, I wouldn't let them. I know what they want to hear, so i let them hear it.

    I hate myself, everything about me. No matter what I do to change, it's never enough, even trying to achieve my dreams makes me hate myself more.
  2. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Doctors and pills do not always work miracles. However, in the darkest times, talking always seems to help. Sometimes, it is hard to talk to family and friends because they do not always understand what it is to hurt. Here, you can be more free to express yourself without being judged or being expected to get better immediately. Take time out for yourself when you can. Even if it is only five minutes alone, at least it is something. We all have bad memories or otherwise we wouldn't be here and we all hate ourselves sometimes. Maybe you can take some time off from work and take a trip.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  3. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I am afraid a trip is not something I can do right now, I have classes that begin soon.

    But if talking can help, then I'll talk.

    I believe my depression and self-loathing comes from a few different sources.

    One, stress brought on by my studies, you see, Prof. Bruttenholm is an alias (if you search on google you wont find a real professor but a character from stories). I am a college student and I am stressed because I want to be a graphic designer but feel my art is terrible and can not make a working portfolio and I am nearing the end of my semester at my current college and plan to transfer to a better (4 year) institution but feel that I wont get accepted due to my crappy art.

    Two, body image issues, I was fat or at least I felt fat. I was about 220-230 and have since come down to 180, feeling fairly good about that until I hit a wall, my weight wont go down and I still have flab, I'm working out but seeing little results and am already on a diet.
    My body image issues began in elementary school when I was picked on and basically became an outcast fairly quickly.

    Three, with my body image issues came shyness and an inability to talk to girls properly. Any time I would work up the courage to speak to a girl, I would always find that they weren't single and within less than a day I was put into the friend zone with them. This lead to me feeling unwilling to talk to women for fear of the repeated cycle, my brain came up with the irrational idea that every girl I find attractive and want to meet was already taken.
    I made the attempt to try new things, take myself out of the comfort zone of my life and for time, succeeded and while I even made it past a crucial point in the exercises I was performing, shortly after that point, I began to have more and more self-doubt and soon slipped from that program, not believing I could complete it.

    I've been single for more than five years and the one thing I can't stand to be told is that I am cute by a girl who is not only my friend but also not single.

    There is more that haunts my mind.
    Though my mind tries to block it out, I was sexually abused when I was about 7.
    I never knew my father but don't care much as to that.
    My first real girlfriend tried to hide me from her parents because she wasn't allowed to date then soon after dumped me and I learned last year that she died ( though we hadn't dated in years it still came as a surprise).

    Every friend I've ever made eventually leaves my life and loses contact with me, that is a a fact. My most recent attempt to make a friend in college proved me correct, the semester ended, we exchanged email addresses, began talking through email and more than a month I received no more messages, I don't feel there is a need for friends.

    I know it is cliche for the artist to be lonely and brooding, but I am not Van Gogh, I want to be more like graphic designers, having fun, friends and family.

    My contemplation of suicide has come down to a simple plan, I will wait.
    Live my life, quiet and angry. Hopefully as a graphic designer but I am sure I will end up failing at my dream and working a dead end up job, counting the days, you see, I understand grief and do not want to have my mother know I killed myself, so I will wait until the day she passes and then I will take my own life.
    I am very patient when it comes to things like this, good things come to those who wait, so release from my living hell will have to be one of those good things.
  4. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I know what it is like to be single for 5 years. Friends have come and gone with me too. Right now, you should try and focus on yourself and becoming a better you. Everything else can come later. Have you ever tried meeting girls online? It is a chance to get to know somebody better. Sometimes, real life can be awkward. Meeting online gives a chance to break the ice with webcams, voice chat, and what have you. Keep your head up though. You are getting an education right now and you have a goal. Everything else can wait. Don't be so hard on yourself and have some faith sometimes. Lots of us have the problem of having zero faith!
  5. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I don't believe in faith.

    As for meeting girls online, tried and that sucked worse than meeting girls in real life. Online relationships only go so far when you can't be with that person in real life, it makes the pain worse because you knew that person on a more intellectual and intimate level and the loss simply aches.

    I've also tried working on myself and no matter what I do, I don't get the results I want, I am always less than what I want.
    In my physique or in my skills in art/design.

    I see others around me who are doing amazing work and it only makes me feel all the worse.