Are bullies right to treat me like shit?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by eagles_fan, Sep 24, 2011.

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  1. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    (In which I play devil's advocate)

    I've had a bit of a problem with bullies for a while now. It seems I'm always being treated like shit at some point in my life. I've always assumed it was them being assholes, which is sort of the case.

    But in the 9th grade, when I introduced myself to a couple of bullies, I told them that I was a loser who had no friends, had never had a girlfriend, was alone all the time, and never had sex. I'm playing devil's advocate here, but maybe if I never projected the image of a loser onto them, then maybe I would've never been bullied. It's still quite ridiculous for them to treat me like shit based off of that, but maybe it's true. I just needed more confidence.

    This is a little creepy, I guess, but I was looking at pictures of him on Facebook four years later. He looks so happy and "cool" I guess. He's got a lot of friends and was always super popular, even though he was an asshole. I mean...even though he acted like shit towards me, he never presented himself as a loser. I hated his shitty sense of humor, but he was always making stupid people laugh. Maybe that's why people loved him and not me. He sure did think he was hot shit though, even though he was a dick (is that ironic?). I felt suicidal from that and it's partially the reason why I threatened to kill myself and spent 3 days in a mental hospital.

    Then in the 10th grade, I was obsessively in love with a girl. Then she went around telling everyone about how weird and creepy I was. I was suicidal from that too. Obviously, had I not done that, no one would've talked shit about me. I still feel it was somewhat bullshit though, since I really was suicidal and the grand majority of people talking about me didn't even know me. They hadn't seen me before. Were they justified in treated me like worthless shit? That continued in the 11th grade.

    But in the 12th grade, I met a couple of girls. They were really cool with me at first, invited me to games and such. But once, we went to a game, and there was this chick talking crap about me. I wasn't feeling it. I couldn't concentrate on the game or have fun, all I could do was get angry at her talking crap. They didn't like me as much after that. The final straw was when I accidentally smashed one of the girl's feet with a door, attempting to flirt with her. Obviously I'm a bad flirt, but they hated me after that. Why should they have given me the benefit of the doubt? I was a loser then.

    There was also another girl who treated me like shit that year. I just remember trying to talk to her and failing. She was a bit mean and she didn't make me feel well at all. She, like the kid who bullied me in the 9th grade, was really conceited and acted kind of shitty, honestly.

    I know there are judgemental assholes in this world who feel the need to put others down for their own amusement and the need to make themselves feel superior, but should I concentrate on making myself appear normal to the masses? I don't want to deal with bullies, which I'm pretty sure I'll have to deal with again someday. I can't stand people like that, so what should I do when I get treated like shit? Do I agree with them and go along with it just so they can shut up? I'm rather sure that just inflates their ego more. Their minds are as balloons and praise is the helium that gets them so high up.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think it may be helpful to know that society is dysfunctional. it does a bad job of providing for the happiness of its members.

    so there are just destructive people who tend to get into positions of control, and then make everyone else suffer. everyone else either cowers at the margins, or participates in turn in abusing the next most vulnerable person

    bullies need to have someone to hurt. you introduced yourself as an easy target, and that's what bullies like. I don't think that you were to blame for them abusing you. you could have been smarter about protecting yourself, but it wasn't a moral flaw

    a lot of stuff on facebook is just fake. people are trying to make themselves look happy as a status item. if they were really so happy, why would they put so much effort in trying to make other people think that they are happy?

    I think that once you get bullied in a social group, then other bullies know that you are an easy target. other people who might be nice to you might be scared to, because then they might be bullied too

    if you want to make yourself seem more acceptable to the masses, it's something that you can do. it's not really a question of wrong or right though

    hopefully the bad experiences are something that you can put behind you.

    have you tried psychotherapy?
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you've had some bad times.

    It is never right to be nasty to others. Courtesy is the least we can do for others - whether we know them, like them, hate them, love them. There's no need to be mean - unless, as you point out, the person has some twisted need to be like that.

    I think you have a good idea about not calling yourself crap to others. That's almost inviting them to do it and worse. I think when I've talked about myself that way, it was because I wanted someone to say, "Oh, no. You're actually cool, pretty, fun..." If I provide myself as a peg to hang crap on, and I'm afraid there are always those who will do just that. But that is a very common "misstep" for depressed people to take. Good insight on your part that you don't want to do it. :)

    Erm...what is "normal"? How about if you concentrate on being you? You don't have to do or be what others want (within the law and general social conventions, ;)). If you like yourself, other people will be drawn to that light in you. If you are treated like crap anyway (there are some nasty people out there :(), say no thanks to it. You don't need to get all upset or even angry. A quiet, "Hey, that's below the belt! What's your evidence for that comment?" will usually stop people cold.

    Yes, there are always jerks somewhere along the road. We can walk by as many as we can without engaging with them. If they start something, we can respond along the lines above. If they continue to be jerks, they're best avoided. We don't have to be best friends with or liked by everyone - we just have to be polite/courteous enough to work in the same place, live in the same apartment house, whatever. You can be yourself and have more fun with the people you really like, then. :) :hug:

    Be good to yourself. Love yourself. You're finding the right path!
  4. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Nobody has a right to treat you like shit. Unfortunately thats how most of humanity gets their entertainment, by making others feel bad. A lot of times they do it cause they're insecure about their own self or trying to impress a certain crowd. You shouldn't stoop to their level. There will always be asswipes trying to pick at you. Sucks I know cause I know how you feel. People have always picked at me. Sometimes I felt like there was a sign on me somewhere that just said "Pick at me. Making me want to kill myself is more mainstream than Lady Gaga!". It just seems like everyone is cooler than me. But yeah.. They wont be that way forever though. Eventually they'll grow out of it, look back most likely and say "I shouldn't have been so mean to that guy". Nobody is worth changing for. Believe me. I've tried just about everything in the past to fit in and I only came off as someone I hated even more. Just be yourself. The world doesn't need more asswipes. Be the good few thats still good even if it has a price cause you never know.. The way you are just may be what someone has been searching for their whole life. :smile:

    I know to me you seem like a pretty nice guy that I'd be friends with. I'm always trying to find people that I can relate to but its like they're always hiding from all the asswipes or something :/. So yeah.. There really isn't a "normal". Society just likes to make it seem like there is but there isn't. You can't please everyone so don't bother.
  5. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    By normal, I mean, "Accepted by society." I don't want to be treated like shit again. I want to fit in. I don't want to be marked as inferior or different.

    But other than that, you're right. I should really just ignore the haters. They'll just hate, as they say. It's all too easy to let them get to me, though, and that's looking at myself realistically. Their words shouldn't have any meaning to me and I need to get assholes out of my thoughts and imaginations too.

    Thanks so much!
    I feel you, I've tried to be a different person so many times now and it seems like I fail each time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2011
  6. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    You're welcome :) & you'll always fail if you try to be something you're not so its just not worth it.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    How about a small modification? Want to feel accepted for who you are.

    I rather like that you don't enjoy being around people who are abusive and shallow. Perhaps you could rejoice in NOT being a jerk? :hug: I know it's hard when people are crappy to us. Sometimes they really truly cannot be better. They just don't have the insight or skill or they are so selfish they don't even care. Personally, I'd rather not "fit" in with that crowd. Live and let live, yes, I'd agree to that as long as they didn't hurt others around me. :dunno: Does this make any sense, or have I rambled too far?

    You are a good person, that is very obvious. Try, if you can, to take the attitude that "That's your view, and this is mine." And walk away from the negatives, the haters. They aren't likely to change until/unless something hits them personally to make them change. But YOU do NOT need to change. You have a good heart and head. Like yourself, OK?
  8. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

  9. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Sounds good to me. :D
    It's just kinda difficult to do that sometimes.

    Hehe. That was great.
    I can't help but feel it was a little scripted, though.
  10. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Come on now!

    You aint asking that seriously - its rhetorical I know!

    Nobody - I repeat NOBODY has the right to treat you or anyone like shit.

    I don't care what the relationship - the bond - or circumstance.

    One exception exists - the army. Its not so much bullying - but with men - working together - in some jobs - we test other men. Not to demean them - just to fast-track whether they are good for the job.

    Example - I worked at great heights - as a fitter. Well - when I first arrived - the foreman left me dangling 500 feet in the air! Joke - like I was going to oil something - but when I got my harness on and they lifted me with a hoist - I dangled.

    Half an hour later - they came back I was smoking a cigarette.

    Testing people - accepted - bullying - is wrong.

    I went to a big school - all boys - 2000 of us. Bullying was - actually not that bad! So many of us - that anyone who bullied would be bullied - or just slapped by someone else.

    I had so many fights as a young lad - but never fell out with anyone. With boys - bullying -- when it did happen - was kind of quick. A bully would maybe do something to someone - but with 2000 others - word got around and every class kind of had someone who would fight on behalf of the less able lads.

    Girls are WORSE. Far worse. Their bullying is psychological - usually group bullying in schools and real nasty stuff with respects to slurs against other girls. Self image - girls who have it bully other girls - notice that even beautiful girls get bullied? And - its vicious stuff !

    In my day - we had corporal punishment. These days pupils can pretty much get away with a LOT that I would have been strapped for - with a leather strap on the hand.

    Or we had detention.

    The worse punishment was to be sent to what was called 'The Loony School' - this was basically full of pupils who could barely spell - and who would just disrupt the normal school. Teachers in this school were hard as nails! Teachers could punch you - if you raised a hand - why not?

    So - bullies are weak people - they only have a short era in their life when they have power - like aged 11 to 16. After that - most are pretty thick - I mean even McDonald's would struggle with them.

    They would be washing the used cartons - struggling on how to make ice - and so on.

    IF it gets real bad at school - leave it. Odds are many schools these days are ran by money obsessed heads who have to juggle books. So of ten bullies bully one kid - they would actually take the bullies!!! Which makes adults chickensh** good for nothings - I mean - to stand by and let that happen?

    Well many heads are decent - some are rats.

    If your a parent you can home-school kids if bullying gets so bad they can barely keep up with the grades.

    Thankfully most school-kids are good. In my school - we had enough good boys to fight the bad - and not once did police come to a school over a silly fight!!

    Speak to parents.

    Also in our schools we have kids who help the new kids and keep an eye out for bullying. We have kids who will write about bullying for the school-mag and website.

    Maybe famous former pupils who were bullied!

    Men find it hard to talk about being bullied. I was a bully for a while - when I got bullied! Never realised the process until I was maybe 14 or so - but the bullying was fighting lads my age - or offering them a challenge! No boy wanted to refuse - so you had a fight with maybe 100 others shouting encouragement and expressing their joy at the spectacle.

    Kids could refuse to fight - and if a fight was unfair (ie you fight someone a lot smaller) someone else might step in to challenge you.

    Well - the classic school bully has his sad little reign - then you all leave school and his power is GONE the day he or she leaves. they enter the big world - and bullying in my area - lol - its not worth it - there is always someone who will just - probably shoot you if you really start to crack skulls.

    The other bullies are usually men who bully women.

    Can't say what I'd like to do to them in case I done it.

    But - I will say it. Any man who hurts or bullies any of the women I love is on a world of trouble and woe.

    bullying kids? I mean if it was an adult? They have no right to even exist.

    Regards - hope this helps somewhat.
  11. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, peacelovingguy. :D

    Is it really true that bullies only have power from 11 - 16? Because that just doesn't seem very true at all.
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think that there are different bullying situations, so maybe in school there is a pattern that fits that age range.

    I was bullied in the workplace by an adult colleague. Although, thinking back, she perhaps had the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old. Hmmm. But that bullying streak combined with life experience made her a sly, sophisticated, and manipulative bully as an adult. Google "bullies" "bullying" and you'll find several sites that can tell you more about the dynamics of different bully-target relationships.

    In my own reading of the websites, the main thing is that almost every organization that supports the targets clearly suggests that targets are chosen not because they are "weak" but because they are somehow "vulnerable". Targets can be very good, competent people and still be vulnerable. Perhaps they need the job, are new to the school, are especially kind to others, are from a different background than the bully (and the majority of the bully's group). Those are not "weaknesses", but vulnerabilities.

    These websites also offer a lot of good tips on how to deal with being bullied. I cannot "summarize" what they have to say, so I do suggest you do the Google thing and do some reading. It seems that many schools and workplaces are setting up a way to report bullying, and some even adopt a complete zero-tolerance approach.

    Eagles_fan, just decide that you will succeed "in spite of" the bully. Do your thing without worrying what the jerks think. They really are jerks if they're being silly and nasty and bullying. Find out if there is a bullying policy in your situation and take steps to report what is happening. Keep a small, PRIVATE notebook of each incident - who (target, bully, witnesses), what (fight, comments, put downs, stealing), where, when - and when you have a few examples, report them. (And keep your notebook, in case the bullying continues.)

    I feel for you. It's hard not to let the bullying bring us down emotionally - we can't figure what on earth we've done! But by getting down, we are sort of handing over our power if we start to feel afraid of what the bully will do next. That is OUR power and we ought to hold onto it by knowing inside that the bully is full of crap, and we're better than that.

    Good luck. PM me anytime to vent about things, hun. 'K? :)
  13. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Could you go further into detail on this?

    That all sounds very good to me. :D
    I think I can just brush off any bullying.
  14. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    i get called ho and whor everyday. i don't stand on street corners selling myself nor do i sleep around on my boyfriend. none of them have the guts to say it to my face so they yell from cars and behind their houses doors and windows. i feel sorry for them because they waste their precious time on earth being stupid and caring about someone else business besides their own. one of two things: calling someone a name like ho is what they are themselves. my pdoc said maybe they are feeling guilty about something they did so they reflect it off onto others. people are stupid,k. i'm taking my own advice which is to ignore them. some people will continue to harass you after you've started ignoring them. so there ya go.
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