Ive posted on here a few times. Mostly when Ive felt down and suicidal. Ive been divorced 3 times. And heart broken many more. I carry around alot of hurt. October 3 and November 26th I had massive heart attacks. These were the same types of heart attacks that killed news anchor Tim Russert. My cardiologist called them Widow makers. The first one I felt revived and happy to be alive. The depression set in. Finances in the negative. Then living with so many medications became overwhelming. I finally pulled myself out of the rut. I found a job. I was so happy thinking that I will actually have a paycheck after so long without. Well I went to work On Nov 24,25, and On Nov 26th I went to work for half a day because it was my birthday. I went for a MRI for my back at 4:00 pm. Went and did a little work at a friends house. Thats when I felt chest pain and disoriented. I called a friend of mine she was taking me out for a birthday dinner and told her I didnt think I was going to make it. The friend whos house I was working on was taking me to the hospital. On the way I knew I wasnt going to make it so he took me to the Ambulance building in town. My stent from the first heart attack collapsed and clotted the passage way closed. My second massive heart attack. While in the Hospital my employer had called my house and laid me off. Just what I wanted to hear. I was looking for a whole paycheck for the holidays. I am now home with severe depression. Trying to find a reason to go on. And try to find a reason to just quit. Ive had a good life. Good memories and Bad. I just dont feel good about myself inside anymore. I have long dreamed about sailing around the world. Well at least the Caribbean and Mexico. I was looking on Ebay at sailboats when I read this one that a lady was selling. It had belonged to her husband and his dream was to sail it. He had died of a heart attack before he got to live his dream. Is this my destiny as well? The only thing that keeps me going is my dreams? Is that silly? I want to upend my lopressor bottle in the worst way. Knowing that there wouldnt be any turning back. There is a battle inside my head. Do it , dont do it. My dreams just seem so out of reach. I did manage to secure a yearly contract for work for next year. Thats about the only thing going for me right now. But I look at all the things stacked against me and its going to be an uphill battle. Does anyone else live for dreams?or is it just me? I need help. I guess in short I'm just losing the will to live.