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Are my fears coming true??

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 27, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    (possibly sexual abuse trigger)

    My boyfriend is amazing, and I love him so much. He makes me laugh and smile and can always make me stop crying. He seems to really care about me.

    We are in a long distance relation (he lives in Holland) we've been together for more than a year but because of various issues and finances we're still working on actually meeting.

    I've survived rape and abuse and being prostituted... he knows all of this (mostly because I tried to push him away in the very early stages) He's made it his mission to help me get over it, and become comfortable in my own skin first, and later his arms... touch is really difficult for me.

    We do talk about naughty stuff, and for the most part I'm okay with it. But there's times I catch myself doing it for his sake and hiding the fact that I am getting uncomfortable... especially when he's stressed or having really bad days with his issues.

    We have been fighting the last weeks (long story short, my abusive and dominant ex got back in touch with me, rightly my boyfriend almost left me... but we worked it out).

    The boyfriend and I use Hangouts to chat every day but we don't always 'cam'. I am not that comfortable with web cameras as I had some bad experiences as a teen... and I need to prepare both mentally and physically before going on. I have to put my 'armor' on as I've explained it to him; meaning my makeup.

    Tomorrow we have our first 'camera date' since the fight. I am so scared. I can't explain why... it had gotten a lot easier to talk with him but I'm just panicking. Especially after my breakdowns this week (self harm and near suicide attempts) it's just stressing me out.
    But I also fear that if I don't do it tomorrow I won't get the courage again.

    Tonight he tried to work on helping me out of it. But for the first time he made everything worse. He tried to talk me into going on the cam tonight as I was, messy hair and no makeup because he didn't care about those things. I got a panic attack because I felt pressured.

    We talked it out though and I told him it's all in my head... I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of myself and my body because of my terrible confidence. (being overweight and having a boyfriend who takes good care of himself doesn't help...) I sometimes can't understand what he wants with me. He told me he's very attracted to me, sexually as well... and I was his 'everything'.

    He also confessed something a little disturbing he did during one of our 'cam dates'.

    I think he meant it to be flattering... but I don't even know how to handle that...

    I always have this fear that he is like all other men in my life. That he's grooming me...

    My head is my worst enemy. I overthink everything all the time. Especially right now being vulnerable...

    I just don't know what to do.
  2. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I can't say if your fears are coming true but I think its normal to be fearful... You are on the younger side, I remember how fearful I was after experiencing some abuse similar to what you've described. So, I was terrified even just riding in the car with my boyfriend and his friends.

    I don't know if you are really asking for advice or not.
    So please ignore my suggestions if they are unwanted.
    It wont hurt my feelings.

    Maybe you could write down some limits about what feels comfortable or uncomfortable. And think about what you will or wont share. Write down what is or is not comfortable. Then you could choose, that even if you DO FEEL like really open and trusting you won't break those boundaries. And you will only break them after either getting some professional feedback or after a time limit, and let there be some rules that you wont break no matter what. So even if you trust him 100% or feel really good, you can lean on them and say, well, I can't do that.

    Even if what he wants is average, this doesn't mean you have to do it.
    So what this means, so if he is some sort of "groomer" then he can't get too far.

    Not that I have any reason to believe he is at all. But for me personally I didn't know wrong from right, so, I couldn't even know if someone was mistreating me or not. So having kind of rules helps. Theres nothing mean about having boundaries. Boundaries don't block closeness, they just establish safety and limits and help with trust.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I always need advice! So this is very much appreciated!

    I'll work on a list of rules. We already have some rules that I have made... He is never going to see me undressed on the camera, that will be something that will happen after we get together and I trust him enough... and he is not allowed to give me expensive things (as it will confuse me because of the prostitution and I will feel 'bought').

    I went on the camera for our 'date' last Friday. I had told him we could start with 5 minutes because I was really scared; he even set a timer and as soon as the 5 minutes were gone he asked me if I still wanted to go on... I managed 15 minutes and he even made me laugh... but I was shaking so bad.
    But he continued to try to make me feel good, and this time he wasn't pressuring me at all.
    I think I'm more ready for the next one now.

    My boundaries have always been broken through my life... but you're right. I need them to feel safe and trust him more. He seems to respect me and I try to be smart...
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