(possibly sexual abuse trigger) My boyfriend is amazing, and I love him so much. He makes me laugh and smile and can always make me stop crying. He seems to really care about me. We are in a long distance relation (he lives in Holland) we've been together for more than a year but because of various issues and finances we're still working on actually meeting. I've survived rape and abuse and being prostituted... he knows all of this (mostly because I tried to push him away in the very early stages) He's made it his mission to help me get over it, and become comfortable in my own skin first, and later his arms... touch is really difficult for me. We do talk about naughty stuff, and for the most part I'm okay with it. But there's times I catch myself doing it for his sake and hiding the fact that I am getting uncomfortable... especially when he's stressed or having really bad days with his issues. We have been fighting the last weeks (long story short, my abusive and dominant ex got back in touch with me, rightly my boyfriend almost left me... but we worked it out). The boyfriend and I use Hangouts to chat every day but we don't always 'cam'. I am not that comfortable with web cameras as I had some bad experiences as a teen... and I need to prepare both mentally and physically before going on. I have to put my 'armor' on as I've explained it to him; meaning my makeup. Tomorrow we have our first 'camera date' since the fight. I am so scared. I can't explain why... it had gotten a lot easier to talk with him but I'm just panicking. Especially after my breakdowns this week (self harm and near suicide attempts) it's just stressing me out. But I also fear that if I don't do it tomorrow I won't get the courage again. Tonight he tried to work on helping me out of it. But for the first time he made everything worse. He tried to talk me into going on the cam tonight as I was, messy hair and no makeup because he didn't care about those things. I got a panic attack because I felt pressured. We talked it out though and I told him it's all in my head... I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of myself and my body because of my terrible confidence. (being overweight and having a boyfriend who takes good care of himself doesn't help...) I sometimes can't understand what he wants with me. He told me he's very attracted to me, sexually as well... and I was his 'everything'. He also confessed something a little disturbing he did during one of our 'cam dates'. I think he meant it to be flattering... but I don't even know how to handle that... I always have this fear that he is like all other men in my life. That he's grooming me... My head is my worst enemy. I overthink everything all the time. Especially right now being vulnerable... I just don't know what to do.