are they genuine

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by meme333, Aug 9, 2011.

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  1. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I'm really tired of people saying they care when they don't.
    I have what she refers to as a "best friend" but no, I don't feel that way about her.
    I always go there to see her. She hasn't been here in almost 2 years.

    She doesn't call anymore. I bring it up and she says she loves me and we'll be friends no matter basically not even saying she'd call more...just ignoring what I"m saying.

    I recently went away and came home sick. She was emailing saying she was worried and blah blah blah....Then she said she'd come see me when she was feeling better as she had a flu or something....Well, has she come by...NO.
    She managed to get to a concert but to see, and she won't.

    I hate that she's my emergency contact too. Feel like overdosing but don't want them to call her. They never have but she would be so dramatic and I'd want her to just get real. I don't think she cares at all.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    It sounds like she is not matching your definition of a best friend. Have you talked to her about what your definition entails?

    I understand how you feel - that you're making all the effort and she has all sorts of excuses/reasons not to be making an effort.

    When was the last time you asked her to come see you? If you tried again, and then said, "But we've always met up at your place, or on your terms, did what you wanted," she might see your frustration more clearly.

    I have to say that I don't enjoy unequal friendships - where I'm the doer and the listener for others without it ever being the other way around. When that begins to happen, I either try to change that dynamic (through talk and compromise with the friend), or I start looking for new friends who won't do that to me.

    I'm all for making sure that existing friends aren't having troubles of their own or that perhaps they didn't realize there was a lack of balance.

    Good luck! :hug:
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I agree, unless the woman is dealing with some form of chronic illness/fatigue, there is no reason why she wouldn't come and see you too. There is no reason even still, why she couldn't pick up the phone and call, yet I am one myself that rarely talks on the phone (hate it). Do you two get out and run around together? Friends do more than just visit.

    I actually get annoyed at my family, it feels like the majority of the time they call, my great aunt excluded, is when they need something. But I love them anyways.

    If you get into a situation yourself, where your dealing with someone who is really depressed/suicidal, you would see how hard that is. I personally, went through this with my mom. Thankfully, she is not that way anymore, but she used to say all of the time she wished god would just take her away. I rarely ever have a conversation with her anymore that isn't negative, where she is under so much stress. It is hard to deal with sometimes. I think the negativity that comes out of you can bring another person down too, and some people would rather avoid that, then try to help you. If they haven't been in the situation themselves, I am sure it makes it hard for them to understand. Maybe your friend does love you, but maybe she can't deal with it.

    I think you need someone as an emergency contact that can handle all of this. Maybe she's not the one to do that.
  4. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    well I'm never negative with her. She doesn't even know what's going on with me. She doesn't pay attention. Always says nothing bothers me. She's said that I never tell her what happened in my childhood and then I try and she doesn't listen. She is really in her own world. I am seriously not negative around her so that's not it. She's self-involved
    I've mentioned that it's hurt that she doesn't call and she doesn't seem to care. But then if something happens like my trip and what happened there she sends dramatic emails saying she is so worried. It's all an act I swear.
    She can't put herself in someone else's shoes.
    No, we don't do anything together unless I go there.
    It sucks.
    But I have nobody so what to do?
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    People care, it's just that half the time you are simply in a bad mind-set to believe what anyone tells you.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    The friend you have now may be in a rough spot and unable to respond the way you want. Maybe it's not good for you to just sit and hope she will change. You can actively seek out other things to become involved in where you will meet other people and make new friends. It takes a bit of time to do that, but in a while, you find you've met some new people. Perhaps one of them will turn out to be the kind of friend you want. And if your current friend comes around in time, you will actually have "two" friends - the new one and the first friend. :hug:
  7. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I believe she cares in her way but wish it wasn't so one-sided.
    She doesn't have a clue what I've been through or how I feel.

    I'm always there for her.

    Sorry but it's not a situation where she is in a rough spot or anything. It's just her but it still hurts.

    Thanks for responding.

    Bad day
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    If she's not in a bad place, and it's mostly or all one-sided, it does not sound like a healthy friendship. What good things do you get out of it, sweetie?

    If it is all about her and what she wants to do or talk about, and you want to do or talk about your things too, and she stops you, that's unfair. If she is pressuring you to talk about things that hurt you and you're not ready to disclose those things to her, perhaps you could tell her, "I'm not ready...Maybe some day. Thank you for asking though."

    I hope things work themselves out for you. :hug:
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well you know what I would do, I think I would just stop talking to her for awhile, just to see if she comes around, and starts calling you or whatever. If not, then she wasn't worth having as a friend the begin with.
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I probably sound funny talking about all of this but it's hard because I don't have family and have a problem letting go of the few friends I have.
    I think for the most part I just have to accept that it's her.

    She will act interested or ask me a question and than literally not listen to the answer. It's just like she makes the gesture but then nothing.
    It hurts.

    One time I started telling her something and she wasn't listening and I saw her turn and look at the tv and I stopped talking expecting her to say "sorry what were you saying?" and nothing. It's funny but it's not.

    I haven't spoken with her in over a week.
    She said she would come by to see me. I'm still waiting :(

    Thanks for listening
    You do help least someone is listening
  11. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Humm... we should fix her up with my ex-husband because they sound just like soul mates (and she can have him, I will pay her to take him infact!!). He'll pretend to be listening but zooms out if it bores him and you always know when he just responds with an um hum, and I'm not the only one he does that to. My daughter, at least tells me to shut up if I get on a topic she doesn't want to talk about. My own mom has done me that way, I don't know if she meant to, whatever, she's my mother, will not get mad at her, but it's annoying, the one person you think you could take anything to, well.... is bored with what you have to say, and it's just so apparent, I kind of let that hurt me too. So many times in my life I have told myself that no one cares about me. I know it's not true, but sometimes, it just feels that way.
  12. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Thanks...if she wasn't married already they might be a match :)

    It does suck though doesn't it?

    Especially when they act all concerned and want to hear and then zone out.
    I hardly get two words out so it's not like I"ve bored her She's just self-involved. I guess some people are like that.

    We must remind ourselves it's them I guess...still hurts though especially when you need the support
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    She sounds like a hard one to be friends with, I am not sure how you have done it this long. Yes it sucks, not having the support you need, that is the hardest. I don't really have anyone for that, but it would be nice. I think, actually know, my brother would step in and do anything to help me, but he's like 5 hours away. He said I could move in with him but I couldn't leave my mom in the shape that she is in. If I get down with my mood, no one does anything to help me feel better, no one seems to want to talk to me when I'm like that, when I am down with my health and can't stay out of bed, I am ridiculed, smarted off. My daughter gets angry, she told me earlier this year that I was a worthless lazy pc of crap, and said my life was meaningless. Her dad smarted me off yesterday over it. He told my son sunday before he left (in so many words) that I just thought there was something wrong, talked like it was some kind of big joke. My son has changed from night to day, but when he was a teenager, he used to regularly cuss me out over being sick. I would do anything I could to help anyone, and they ask me no matter how sick I am, and I would force myself to do it, but I can't say I've ever had that in return. So believe me, I know what the lack of support is like. But you know you can always come on here and talk to us. We'll be here for you anytime you need us. Everyone here understands, it's a great place to share your feelings, and no one is going to be judgemental. I'm sure you already know that. But I am on here every day, so anytime you need to shout out your frustrations, I promise I'll be here to talk to, if that helps at all.
  14. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I hear you and sorry you don't have the real life support either
    I don't have many words today. It's starting out rough but I'm listenign :)
    thanks cutiepie and I am here for you
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. :biggrin:
  16. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Just a couple of weeks ago I was visiting my friend and she was all upset saying how "depressed" she was. I use the term depressed very lightly in regards to her. She was saying how her husband didn't help much etc.
    I tried to talk about myself but it never works. Seriously, I need you to understand I'm not depressed around her and can never get a word in about just turns around and is all about her.
    Well that day she was saying how she thought her husband might be depressed and I tried to say a few things about depression and then I said something like "when I get depressed...." and again no interest in me at all.
    The conversation went right back to her and her stuff.

    She just doesn't care.

    Even now, when is she coming by? She said she would.

    Now I see on facebook her status says "life doesn't get any better"...>Really?
    Does she even think about me?

    When she's upset I'm right there. Anything goes wrong..I am right there.
    It's so one-sided and it just hurts.

    There is nobody around.

    I want to give up.

    The only person that was ever around was a possessive boyfriend for 10 years....abusive horrible but at least he wanted me...maybe for all the wrong reasons but whatever.

    I really want to give up today.

    I want to die. I really do.

    Why am I alive anyways?
  17. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I bequeath to both of you (cutiepie132 and meme333) big hugs your way: :hug:

    @meme333- I hate to say this, but to be blunt... I think your "friend," if she can be called that, is a terrible one. With that being said, I've had a "friend" like that too who would only call me when he needed something or was feeling down.. I stopped making an effort to keep the "friendship" going after telling him in person my thoughts (I wished him well and bid him goodbye), and I don't miss him at all. Did he ever give me a call back or check on how I was doing? Nope! He hasn't called me back since I stopped being the one initiating any contact. Maybe your "friend" will change and realize what she is doing wrong in the relationship, maybe she won't... She doesn't seem to care about you one bit! :(

    @cutiepie132- You deserve to have someone who will care about what you say, just like meme333.... Not some self-absorbed ex-husband or "friend." :hug:

    Warm greetings,

  18. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Thanks alex... I may deserve but I don't have.

    Meme.. My goodness. That girl needs to go through a psychological evaluation for some kind of personality disorder that makes her so selfish and self-absorbed.

    I don't care how many people are in my life or not.. If it is someone who acts like a complete dogface, and I can pretend they don't exist, then by all means, that is what I will do (that includes my twin sister, her son, and my older sister). I've had plenty of people try to use me, and no, don't think so.

    I just talk to my friends when I run in to them, or online, and once in awhile on the phone, or if we visit and it's just once in awhile too. I'm not an outgoing person so I wish I could offer you some advice in that aspect of your life, as to tell you how to get out there and make a shit load of new friends, but I wouldn't even know where to start myself.

    However, it's so obvious how much your in need of that. Have you ever considered the type of therapy that offers group councelling meetings? You could meet people who go through the same type of problems, and you just might end up meeting someone you really connect with. Think about it. Never hurts to try.

    Just to make this loud and clear, I would love to have a friend like you in my life. I don't have anyone I am really close to, since I've spent the majority of the past 14 years in bed sick, but let me make this just as loud and clear also, your friend, in no way, shape, or form, deserves you. I would love to see you tell her what a crummy friend she is, and then procede to tell her to kiss your ass.

    You may feel alone right now but remember we love you.
  19. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I'm not an outgoing person, not the party type.
    I'm quiet until you get to know me.
    I'd do anything for anybody though and people who have been my friends know that.
    But it seems I'm easily disposed of.

    I'm so depressed and nobody is around. I guess they don't need anything.

    No family.

    I want to give up.

    I'm not really the type for group therapy things but thanks for the suggestions.

    Not sure what to do. I just can't live like this anymore.

    My therapist is away but she's not a friend. She's a therapist.
    I've never thought of her in any other way just to clarify but sometimes that relationship is so tough. Share so much and well then I go home and deal with it!
  20. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I had to get up out of bed just now and check to see if you got back on here or not, I couldn't quit worrying. I am glad to here your still hanging in there.

    It's good you can keep a detachment from your therapist. I couldn't. When I told my first one goodbye, cried like a baby, we wrote each other for a little while, she was a sweet lady. She always gave me a hug whenever I had an appt with her, she gave me a CD where she likes to sing & write songs, she gave me gifts for my kids. My 2nd therapist, attached again. My GP, horrible attachment to him too, to be the worst. I've had to work hard on that one, because everytime I feel like shit emotionally, I'd just want to go cry to him about it..

    Has your therapist offered any advice about this or does she just offer advice on how to deal with the depression? I don't know what your thoughts are religiously, but I think if you started going to church, that it could really be helpful.

    I hate to see you hurting like this. If there is anything at all, that I can do, please let me know.
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