Are we waiting? *Possibly Triggering*

Ever since my younger years of depression, i have been on self-destruction mode. I take drugs, steal, fight, reckless behavior at work, not paying bills etc etc... I'm not a moron, i realize the conscequences of such behaviors, but i still didn't care. It's as if i'm waiting for something to push me off the cliff.
My whole life has been nothing but a slippery slope.
I live each day in hope something would kill me. Be it an accident or be place in someone's murderous path.
Don't give me the guilty conscience talk on how i should be grateful that i still have my health and that i'm an idiot for wanting to die when millions of people wants to live but can't. Well, i'll glady donate my organs to save them.

Anyway, i want to know if any of you also feel the same way? Like waiting for the final screw up to end it.

 

I haven't felt like that, but I can understand how it would feel like. If I do something "self-destructive", I regret about it and the next time around, I do it correctly. You can snap-out of this feeling. Try something different the next time and you will see that you have the power to take control.

 

My general existence revolves around the only coping mechanism I've truly mastered (thanks to a complete lack of emotional guidance in my formative years). It's escapist self destruction I guess. Everyday, just obsessively waiting until I can get home to completely numb my mind from all the pressure that I mount on myself. I don't know if you've heard of the term "hikikomori" but it's a Japanese term that refers to social recluses whom have opted to completely drop out of society and often stay in their room all day, all night, usually partaking in escapist activities like video games and web surfing. I can't say I'm exactly at the point in which I would start neglecting everyone and everything, but I'm still damn tempted to stay in my room all day and waste away my intellect and my potential. It's sad. It's so sad that it's starting to trigger me. Fuck me.

 

thanks boo this is exactly how i feel,im just waiting for someone or someting to
"push the button"

 

i think that sums me up too boo. I'm ex hells angel affiliated. i stole, fought, and did everything i could to make my life exciting. i assumed it was a hedonistic lifestyle. but looking back it was just a coping mechanism. anything to avoid thinking about how bad i was feeling.

 

i feel the exact same way.
and i'm only fifteen now, i'm pretty much at the peak of this.
gone through alcohol, drugs, stealing, sex, self harm; you're not alone.

 

Boo I just want you to know that I know EXACTLY how you feel man. I'll tell you my story and you'll see we are nearly mirror images.

I am 27 now, been depressed my whole life. When I was younger like the age of 15-16 I used to go to bed at night asking god to let me die in my sleep. Around the age of 20 I realized religion was all bullshit and became an agnostic. I started drinking at 21. I have done crack, painkillers, drink alot. I directly tried to commit suicide twice once leading to major surgery to save my life. I have indirectly tried to kill myself dozens of times by doing the things you say. Trying to get into fights hoping someone would pull a knife or gun on me, I've walked bad neighborhoods drunk dozens of times at night hoping a gang will find me and kill me.

It sounds to me like you and I are walking a straight line filled with pendulums swinging back and fourth without care for where they are at any particular moment just waiting for the day when one of them finally hits its mark.

 

I did for a long time... But things have finally improved. I want to live for a while at least, maybe a long while.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone. And yes Edgar Roni Figaro, I guess it's comforting knowing i'm not alone in this situation, but i still wish you didn't have to experience what i had experienced. Hope you get better, and same for everyone.

 

Your problem might not be a moral one. Maybe you have social anxiety and you're turning to the only coping mechanism you're aware of. People get hooked on drugs and other bad habits for the same reasons. The blame is squarely on your ignorance, but that doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, does it? I'm living this "hikikomon" life as we speak. And let me tell you that it's not escaping #%^^^%!. I ran away from social pressures to bury myself in a computer world that's not so frightening, but I live every hour of the day hating myself and it doesn't feel like an escape to me. It's like escaping from a murderer by living in a metal box closed shut with chains.

A computer to me is something I know how to work with. I've lost myself in its inner world. Computer worlds are like the real world with training wheels. I go to it when I run away in shame from the real world. The real world is like a language I have a hard time understanding. I am the nobody that struggles and is burdened by himself. On a computer I feel more normal, but I'm not productive to make money that way. Our body and mind was not made for sitting at a computer. We need to move around and talk to people face to face. It's how we stay healthy and happy. It's part of correct psychological development and maintained functioning.

I live my life in fear and self-hate. Every day is shame. I deserve whatever insult people throw at me.

Originally, I wanted to work with computers. I did some classes and got a degree. I've programmed at various times over the years in several languages. I've never worked in the field. I should have pursued school longer (and made better choices). But all throughout those years I ignored the one thing that mattered: I used computers to escape from people. I still do it. I'm as lost as ever. Those years in school feel wasted to me. That was 10 years ago. I've wasted 10 years doing NOTHING except crawling under rocks. And I think it all narrows down to me ignoring my phobia of social environments. Maybe that's oversimplifying. Maybe I've also guilty of avoiding responsibility. I'm guilty of a lot of things. And now I'm starting to reap what I've sown. And I'll only get older. I have to change.

The answer is not in living in a box, it's in managing your fears and weaknesses so they no longer control you.