This is only my second post, and I wanted to touch on something that is a continuous source of struggle in my life of late. First of all, I'd like to clarify that it is not my intention to exclude anybody from this conversation. As a matter of fact, if somebody who is not a Christian can relate this post to their own experiences, I would love to hear from them. I was raised a Catholic. Going through my younger years I used to pray. By this I don't mean that I followed a routine program of reciting verses by memory, but that I actually talked to God. I asked for forgiveness, thanked Him for my blessings, prayed for friends and enemies, or when something stirred me (like the suffering of somebody I saw in the news.) As probably all of you know, life has a way of getting in the way. Toil, suffering, struggle, sometimes can erode your soul. People often go into crisis of faith, and so did I. I went through times where I blamed God for my life. I eventually came to the conclusion that God couldn't possibly exist, for if He did exist, he couldn't possibly let so much injustice, so much pain, happen in the world. My father died in a car accident. I was devastated. I blamed myself. And I blamed God (and sometimes I blamed Him for not existing.) I eventually grew out of this phase, but I didn't regain my faith (or any semblance of it) until recently, when I encountered even more struggles in my life, and a good friend of mine guided me back to believing by sharing his own views and thoughts. I am very grateful that I have regained my faith (or at least that I am in the path to do so.) There is something that I have struggled a lot with recently though, because of this fact. I have been feeling suicidal for a long time. It is not something constant, but even when I do not feel the full force of depression and despair there is still a deep dissatisfaction with whom I am. When I feel like killing myself I feel the conflict of those feelings (caused by a life filled with pain) with the teachings of Jesus. I know in my mind that committing suicide is something terrible, something that God can't look upon kindly, something akin to returning the most precious present you can ever receive (the gift of life.) At these times, I try to convince myself that, if God is truly all-knowing, if He knows the depth of my mental and emotional suffering, He will have pity on my actions. He will understand that I tried to live and be happy. That the pain was too much to bear and that I did my best, but because I am human (unlike Him) I failed and succumbed to the pain. Does anybody feel this conflict in their life? I would like to know how you deal with it, what your struggles are. Thanks.