are you burden to your special someone because of your sexual abuse before?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by asking_advice, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    are you burden to your special someone because of your sexual abuse before?
  2. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Of course not. If someone truly cares about you, they will want to make sure you feel comfortable with it, it won't be a burden for them because if they care then they would be happy to see you overcome that. So no, I don't think anyone would be a burden for their special someone after being abused.
  3. forced

    forced Member

    how can it not be to some level no matter how willing one and or both are to being sensitive to it. i know i sure wish this part was simpler like once its over its over. How does one move on if they share whats happened to them and it changes how who u share it with treats you. and i don t mean they start treating one poorly more just trying to be considerate and you forgot till you seen they where worried about how u are feeling. i m going for keeping as much untold as possible the only moments i let little bits out is if i think the special one thinks they did something to create the reaction in me. then i share that i had a flash back. never attaching it to anything as i would never want to put that on anyone.
  4. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I only ever felt comfortable telling one person I've been in a relationship about the sexual abuse that I've experienced in my life, and it was one of the best things I've done. He was so happy I opened up to him about something so serious and he made me feel much better about everything. He assured me that it has never been my fault and helped me get over some of the pain of keeping a secret like that to myself.
    If someone you're in a relationship with finds that knowledge of your sexual abuse a burden, then they aren't worth your time.
    There are times where I can't help but remember the abuse I went through and it does effect your relationships to an extent. But you should be able to talk to your partner about anything, especially something that effects you so seriously. If they're understanding then they won't make you feel like a burden to them, they'll help you get passed it.
  5. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I feel a burden YES.
    My best friend (male) and I are very close more like partners and we would both like to be intimate and show one another love, but my cruel and disgusting past is spoilng any chance of that happening properly.................sexual abuse doesn't just screw up the survivor but others close to them also.
    He says he understands, doesn't judge and will just do what I feel I can and no pressure and he wants to help, but am sure in time he will tire and move on.
    I cant lose him, I cant lose his friendship but may do. The BASTRARDS are still winning and laughing in my face, even now, and its NOT FAIR.
    Why can't I be set free at last and be able to express myself how I wish.
  6. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Lelantgirl,
    Please try not to worry, just do what you feel comfortable with. If any man tries to force himself, leave them.
    As unacceptable behaviour and constitutes rape, try not to think about your past enjoy the moment with your partner.
    If you are very in love with them, in time you will relax more. Don't put pressure on yourself. Still young I feel, so don't feel pressured into
    going to far if don't want too.
    It does sound like he is caring and understanding, which is great for your relationship.
    Take care
  7. daisyflowers

    daisyflowers Member

    i am. i can't be intimate with anyone because i have flash backs and constantly think of my past. i was 13, that was the first time i had ever had sex. i morphed my mind into thinking that was how it was supposed to be just so i could cope with it. for five years i let anything happen to me. now I'm with an awesome guy and we try having sex but i can't do it. sex is supposed to be something 'special' some sort of intimate bond with someone you care about, but to me its a way to avoid aggression and violence when some guys pissd and drunk, a way for him to be happy, a way to make him leave you alone until the next time he calls begging or bitching. it shouldn't be, but it is. after being raped twice and letting any guy have his way with me i have completely lost touch with the romantic and intimate side. problem is, this new guy doesn't know about my past. i don't know if ill tell him, i don't want him to treat me any differently i don't want special treatment or him to walk on egg shells around me. its an issue.
  8. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Daisyflowers,
    Try telling him, it sounds like you have a good relationship. I am sure he will understand and be supportive. I am sure he must suspect something is wrong. It wasn't your fault you were raped. Counselling is available and sexual counselling to look at especially.
    It sounds like the flashbacks are really distressing you, a condition called PTSD can follow rape and traumatic events.
    Please seek the advice of your Dr it is a medical condition that different treatments are offered. How wonderful you are in a relationship that's a great first step.
    Rape is very traumatic, I understand it happened to me, just I don't clearly remember it all. I get flashbacks as well.
    I am so sorry this happened to you, please know you are not alone!
    Take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2013
  9. amybear

    amybear New Member

    I was raped when I was 16. I was so ashamed. I felt like it was my fault because I had thought the guy was cute and had let myself be alone with him. I thought he liked me. By the time I realized where things were going, I couldn't get away and there was no one to help. I kept it a secret until I was 19. I told my boyfriend of a year. He told me that I was stupid for letting myself get in that situation. He blamed it all on me. And to make it worse, he called me a slut for having slept with another man. I have now talked to a psychologist about it and she assures me that it's not my fault, but I can't ever get his words out of my head. I don't know how to feel anymore.
  10. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    I think with things like this it helps to imagine what you would say if someone else had to go through what you did. You don't deserve to feel any shame from this, nothing that happened was your fault. Your boyfriend obviously has some issues of his own but I wouldn't take his opinion on board.
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