Are you guys truly anonymous?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neurosis, Mar 4, 2014.

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  1. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Like, if I say that I'm going to kill myself, and you fail to convince me otherwise, will you track my IP and call the police?
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, that's not something we do. But we do have guidelines that all members need to follow; it might be worth checking them out so you know what is or isn't okay to post.
     
  3. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Well, I know from personal experience that suicide hotlines will call the police and arrest you if you're honest with them.

    I'm still hesitant to disclose my plans, and that seems to be against the rules, so I won't. But basically they're being set in motion because I have failed my life. I am not valuable to human society, I will never be self-sufficient, I will never have an income, I will never be worth anything. My parents divorced when I was twelve. I moved to a low income, high crime area in another state. I dropped out of high school due to domestic abuse and bullying. I was bullied and tortured mercilessly every day at school, then my mother and I were beaten at home. I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen, and spent nearly a year in a psych ward.

    A lot of stuff happened since then, and I have attempted to get my GED for years. You NEED a HSD or GED to get hired in this world. I had passed everything except for the Math, but I could never get it. Recently, they deleted all of my work, and made the Math portion of the test much more difficult. http://www.sacbee.com/2014/01/13/6069988/new-ged-testing-requires-computer.html This crushed me. It's as if I never even went. I know I will certainly never ever be able to pass it now, as I never came close to passing the Math before with years of study. I missed my window to prove myself, I have failed my GED, I have failed at life. I will never get a job, I will never have income, I will never have money. A life with no money is not a life worth living. Without money, you cannot be independent, you cannot support yourself; you must exist as a vassal. I cannot drive, and no one will teach me to drive. I will not cope with being homeless. I will not exist as a parasite to society. I will not exist as a vassal.

    I can't see a psychiatrist or a professional because I have no money or transportation and the people I live with who have money/transportation would not tolerate it, they would persecute me for it. I don't have anyone I'll miss in this world. I don't care about my family, and they don't care about me. We are political enemies, we have opposite life philosophies, and we argue intensely everyday. I despise this house and everyone in it. I despise this area that I live in. I value almost nothing here, and I don't even have anyone that I want to say goodbye to. I give up. I am defective. I have failed to get a GED. I failed to prove that I am valuable and worth giving an income to. I have failed human society. I have failed my life. I don't know why I'm even posting this, I guess that some part of me is seeking pity. Me posting this instead of just executing my plans silently is more evidence that I'm a weak, disposable human. What a useless loser.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I was nervous also about posting here. Would they report me etc? no. They do not do that. I can attest to that.

    I do not think you are weak. I do think you were very wounded abused and harmed. I am really sorry for that.

    A lot of people who actually are quite smart do not have an aptitude for math. And some who have math and science aptitude do not have skill or aptitude that you have. But I am sorry math did not come easily enough for you. AND that you did not get the help you deserved to get through it and pass the test. Math didnt come easily for me as well. I am no good at it.

    Have you considered calling united way and seeing where you can get help for free? Because it sounds like the right therapist could make a case for you that you might be eligible for disability or other help. Just a thought of how you could get money. United way knows of all sorts of programs etc. Their phone number is usually 211

    This is a great community. People don't come here casually. We all came here at first because we were in horrible pain. And saw no way out. Many still feel that way. But you are not alone when you are here. People here understand the feeling. Many of us feel weak, defeated, scared, unintelligent unlovable, very hurt... and much more. . Even though many of those self imposed labels may not be correct at all. eg weak and unlovable unintelligent.

    So, welcome to this community. I hope you will keep posting. Because this is a place where you can fit right in. AND its a safe place. No one will turn you in. Ever ever. In my 4 1/2 years here I have never heard of it happening. And everyone who comes here wants to die. Its safe here. Really safe
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2014
  5. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Thank you for the kind words. Glad to hear that I can speak freely.

    I've already tried SSI/Disability, and I don't qualify as disabled. Even if I did qualify for it, I'd still feel like a parasite on society for taking something in exchange for nothing. My ambition was to generate income, build a family, and support people who were emotionally invested in me. I have failed that mission; I cannot prove my worth to society, I cannot generate income, I am not a man. I put in tons of effort attempting to get my GED, and I have nothing to show for it. This is a repeating trend of my life. Someone used to tell me that "If a person doesn't have someone that they're willing to die for, then their life isn't worth living." That's certainly true for me. As I said, I have no one to say goodbye to, and no one whom I care about enough to miss. I have a set date, and will be ending my life (using a method that's almost certainly fatal and relatively painless) then. I have my suicide note prepared, and I'm making sure that I don't get a funeral.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I feel your pain when it comes to math. It's the reason I never graduated from college; I took college math 3 times and failed it (even with personal tutoring) all 3 times. At that point, I gave up trying and dropped out of college.

    Finding a job is hard in general, so I know it has to be even more difficult without a GED. But I do think it's possible. I have no idea where you live, whether you're in the US or not. But doing some online research could help you to figure out what your options are. A man's worth (or anyone's worth) isn't defined by how much they earn, and finding a job, even a lower-paying one, would at least be a starting point for you.
     
  7. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I'm in the US. I live in a high crime rate city in North Carolina. I've been trying to get a minimum wage job at places like McDonald's, meat packing places, etc for years now, but they won't give me the time of day without a HSD/GED. Even with a GED, jobs are tough to get. Why would they give me that job when more qualified college students want them, for some extra income on the side? If I get the GED, I can compete with them and hundreds of people who have HSDs. Otherwise, I'm no better than a bum. At this rate, I'm going to be homeless and in jail, since sleeping without shelter is against the law in this country. I definitely won't let that happen. Society doesn't want me, so I won't be a burden. The right thing to do is pass on.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    PLEASE call united way and ask them if they know of any place you can turn to for help. They usually can be reached by calling 211. They have a listing of all sorts of agencies and places for help. Some of them are obscure. The agency I found is not known at all to the general public. But they sure did help. And yes, I found them by calling the united way. I hope you both can find help. You deserve that,

    Neurosis, I know what you mean when you say " I'd still feel like a parasite on society for taking something in exchange for nothing". That is just how I felt when the psychiatrist wanted me to go on disability. I fought it for years, actually. Until finally I had no other choice. It was and is the most humiliating thing imaginable. So I do understand.
     
  9. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I called them and they only told me the location of shelters I already know about, and offered to pay bills that I don't have. Thanks for the suggestion, but really the only thing that could change my mind at this point is finding employment.
     
  10. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Also even if I were willing to take disability (which I'm not, because that wouldn't solve my problem) I wouldn't be able to, because I'm not disabled.
     
  11. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Alright, change of plans. I'm taking a portion of the GED test this week. I'm trying to get back to where I was before they erased my work. If I fail the test, I'm pulling the trigger as soon as I hear the results.
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    please,if you fail, let me do some work to see what sort of GED help they offer in your area. please. I will make calls for you. Just dont give up if by chance you do not pass.
     
  13. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    Well, I'm taking the "Reasoning Through Language Arts" portion of the test. It's 155 minutes long. I know for sure that I can pass the grammar section of the test, but I'm not sure about the "Evidence Based Writing" section. If you view the practice test here, and go to the very last question, you can see the section I'm referring to. I passed it when the test was just a simple essay, but this seems difficult. Any advice would be appreciated.
     
  14. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry late to enter this conversation , but have you called the county to find out about GED or Adult ed classes ? They have them most places and it is HARD to study on your own- particularly after so long out of it. I think it is pretty amazing you have done so well without that type of help and support. You may also want to check at the employment office as you may qualify for adult ed or training classes through them for free as well.
     
  15. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I live in a high crime rate area, I despise the culture around here, and I have social phobia. I really don't want to take any classes. The last time I did a person I hated tried to give me therapy instead of educate me. It would only make things worse.
     
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hear ya. Really sorry you live in such a distasteful place. :( I just googled GED online instruction/ prep. It seems there is online GED help. which makes total sense to me. Because of people who could not get their hs degree because they are homebound or something. And also not all people have car to get to instruction.

    If you wanted, I could make a call to the right local office to see where they recommend going online to study for it. Just an offer. No pressure at all. Seriously, no pressure.
     
  17. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I'm taking the test tomorrow, so that won't help me now. Thanks for the thought though.
     
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Well, my point is that there IS help available if by chance you need it in the future. I am wishing you the very best with the test. How soon will you know the results?
     
  19. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I'm not sure, I didn't ask. Since the test is taken online, the process should be much faster now.
     
  20. Neurosis

    Neurosis Member

    I passed with honors: 188/200 points. Though that was to be expected, I'm a natural with Language Arts. Social Studies is next; again, if I fail, I'm pulling the trigger.
     
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