Are YOU mentally ill / drug addict / dysfunctional / horrible??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Troubled2008, Mar 19, 2009.

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  1. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    In the last two months, I came to terms with a truth--

    I am and will forever be "dysfunctional." I have also been "mentally ill" in my life. But I am now at peace with who I am. I always knew this was true. I started to feel better as I knew it... It's a part of me, not just some point in time... And not good or bad...

    Sometimes, things are perfect for me... Other times, horrible... I think I am probably an undiagnosed manic/depressant... I have been told this. But the point of what I am saying is that I eventually came to a point where I just said..... "You've had a lot of problems... Many of them drug-related... But... Is it actually *other* peoples' problems that you think about?? Are you dysfunctional and mentally ill because that's where you were born?? And maybe that it's not your fault... But something that you just need to deal with on a daily basis?"

    Does make you worse of a person?.... No, just part of your life...

    I have recurrent problems. Drugs and alcohol make them worse. I always thought it was *my* fault and that it was only MY choices that made my life this way. I now see this is not the truth. It might be upsetting at first if you are like this... But it made me feel a lot better. I understand my life was born out of uncertainty... and in chaos. That is why I still feel those feelings. That is why I was driven to do things that I shouldn't have before. It wasn't my fault...... It is part of who I am. Being dysfunctional is part of who I am.. Maybe not me personally but.... from my upbringing... I cannot change that. So it is who I am.

    If you are crazy or ill or on drugs or alcohol and always feel "at fault" for everything in your life.... Maybe you are like me. Maybe you should just realize that you are a dysfunctional person. We have to deal with life differently. Everything is different for us. We have to have an extra degree of care in the way that we deal with everything.......

    I don't have many friends. That is one of my problems. No one to listen. No one to talk to. I feel I often drink or use drugs for this reason. I was raised in tough areas sometimes. Guns and violence. But I am still a human being. I still seek connections with people. I still have feelings. I am still a human being with as many feelings as anyone else. Just because I can fight or have seen violence or am from bad places doesn't make me any less of a human than you. I still want the same things sometimes..... I have learned how to deal with robbers, thugs, theives, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.... in ADDITION to all of the family problems over the years. But I ultimately am still a human being who wants people to talk to.

    I am glad for this place. Where I can openly say that I have problems and I hope to find friends who can for once not be ashamed of themselves.... Maybe you have nothing to live for or no money or no respect or no friends or maybe your family hates you. But you have one thing on this earth to be thankful for. This place. You can find people like me, who hurt like you do, but who also have real feelings. I want to be respected in this world, just like you do. And I want someone to talk to, just like you do. And I have horrible problems, just like you do.

    But maybe we can be friends..... This is a good place. This is a good place where we won't be ashamed. We won't be ashamed of who we are. I will never judge you negatively. I understand how it is to live a very tough life. I will always listen. I will only offer you my friendship and support.

    I hope to find and make many real friends in this place.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2009
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    im sure you will find the support youve been looking for. feeling guilty for things its part of the human being specially when we know those things are wrong and that we could change it i guess.

    im sure there`s going to be a lot of people willing to talk and share with u. the first step its allready done.

    take care<3
  3. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Actually, I've come to the conclusion that God has been hidden by all of the Westernized ideas....... Sex is OK, stealing is OK, killing is OK, anything is OK... as long as you don't get caught.

    I guess that is what being born in the West means. At least, that's what I've learned. I know that true peace and happieness exists. I'm at odds with my god quite often but I know that all these Westernized ideas don't help. They only serve to kill my god.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You have summed up nicely what many people feel - the need to be heard and respected regardless of background and/or experiences. SF is a good place to find understanding and supportive people.

    Thank you for sharing the soul-searching you have done. :hug:
  5. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words. I feel even though I am good-intentioned.... If I become too drunkened, that I could unintentionally give out a negative attitude so I hope I never do that here.

    I wish I could say that I am perfect and that I overcame alcohol once and did it again... Right now, my internal pain is too great to give up the booze I guess. I really want to. I pray about it. I wish that other people pray for me. I know I am super-capable when sober for extended periods.

    I'm in just too much pain to quit right now I guess. I truly believe it is somewhat in the stars. I believe in the power of prayer and self-intent. All that....... When the stars line up again for me, I'll probably end up the next President. I am that confident. I am that capable. But once I'm beyond that certain point of hurt.... I can't not drink every few days. It is essentially impossible because I cannot deal with the loneliness or uncertainty. At least I don't drive like that! yay
  6. Tess

    Tess Member

    I really appreciated your post. I for one cannot imagine myself mirroring the status quo, as much as I would personally like to for want of an easier life. I know that I will never be quite like the people around me, though I'm still wondering if that is born out of truth or maybe arrogance. I can identify to an extent with the drink problem, I had one starting to creep up on me a year ago, and a few trips to A and E and the ensuing embarassment that followed with family because of that seemed to put some sort of an end to it. I can't touch it nowadays because I know that for me it doesn't dull pain but excacerbates it. I don't even have the joy of smoking in my life anymore after quitting round about the time I stopped with the alcohol (apart from the pouch I smoked last week in rebellion against myself, thank god the addiction hasn't come back in full force lol!) The smokes were the only thing which helped me all these years, why the hell have I given them up!
    I think it's admirable and must be of comfort to you that you know you are capable when the time comes to relinquish the drink again. Just take every thing in it's own time, and don't let anything or anyone rush you, only you know what's going to help you here and now. Best wishes.
  7. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I thank you greatly for reading my words seriously and responding to them honestly. Even since that day, just a couple days ago, my life has changed. It seems to be changing everyday right now. I say this is due to the stars affecting me.

    Although you may not have the pain that I do, I can see that you have some. I have recently wondered about my spiritual connection to the Islamic religion. As I live in the West, I do not wish to be in any way associated with the wrong belief that Islamic persons are generally associated with terrorism.... but at the same time.. I can feel the calling.

    My soul is in the dedication to Islam. I have always loved and respected God and have never found here an outlet for those feelings. People in my family and people that I meet are always afraid of disease and also afraid of dying. I have never been afraid since about age 19.

    For whatever reason, at that age, I could see that God was good but that in this world, all will be questionable. I now know that I can indulge in my faith.... which has Islamic tendencies... and I think I can now live with the expectation that people know I am not terrorist, which I am not. In the West, if you are Islamic, George Bush says you're a terrorist. That is obviously almost a joke.

    I find that the ultimate faith in God, the most Almighty, will show a person humility one way or the other... and I personally do not have a problem with that. I was once before a servant of God and shall be again... I am disgusted that the Islamic faith now has the brand of "terrorist." Disgusting. If you spend 20 minutes reading about Islam, you can find that the values are almost IDENTICAL to Christianity.

    99.999999% of Islamic people have absolutely NO interest in violence... and have beliefs similar to Christianity. I rest my case. And I also pray for my renewed faith in this world....... I also believe in Wakan-Tanka. This is the belief of Native Americans, that there is a "Great Spirit." I also believe this and respect it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2009
  8. Tess

    Tess Member

    I very much envy your faith and wish immensely that I had some of it but have always found myself so closed off to religion as a whole, I have never been able to subscribe to one way of thinking. This has always really annoyed me because I see it working for so many people and I know that a belief in an almighty is always the last great comforter when there is nothing and no one left. You are lucky that this might be really starting to work for you in embracing Islam.
    And yes, it is utterly abhorrent that still a significant few in the West will brand a Muslim as a terrorist, and any individuals who I have ever come across who utter the slightest derogotory remarks as regards the Islamic world I make sure to severe all association with. Ignorant and ugly people like that are not worth the time of day. I hope it works out for you, i'm sure it will as you seem open and prepared for the changes which dedication to a faith will inevitably bring about.
  9. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    See through my eyes: My brother told me to not stay in this town. My parents echoed the views of my brother. He knew it would only bring pain.

    But when you are young, you know only your own desires and your own rights. I had friends here. I wanted to go to school here.

    I found that I was held at gunpoint, threatened, chained to a wall by admittedly crooked-cops..... The violence I saw, no other has been able to identify with in this life so far. It was disturbing.

    Facing down death can make you a killer. Being born religious can make you religious. Being born both can make you dangerous. Now, can you see who I was?

    At one point many, many years ago.. I saw violence as a retribution for the unfaithlessness of God's people... But once... I had actually a non-Christian friend. She told me about the purpose of Christ... and what it meant to treat others in this way that you would wish to be treated in.

    This did not change my religion. But gave me a new belief in who Christ was and what it all meant. It changed my life. Do I want to be a Christian? Hell no. I want to be who I am. But now I see all the angles.... Thanks to this very wise friend whom I will forever revere and pray for.....
  10. Tess

    Tess Member

    I was reading your other thread and must say that I totally agree with what you said about the advantages of Allah demanding service from you as opposed to the Christian god merely asking for it. I might possibly be attracted to the Islamic god in lieu of the fact that following his law is made to be some great foreboding imperative, that you MUST serve him and MUST respect his laws. Maybe myself and others in the West would work better in a more spiritually demanding and intense framework such as an Islamic construct, the idea has certainly crossed my mind on many ocassions. It's not hard at the end of the day when you look around and see an abundance of faithless, discontented and just generally spiritually impoverished people, especially here in the UK and presumably in the US. I would love to have a God to live for and to do my utmost to please because people fail me and I fail myself and I respond well to orders whether inherently I resent them or not, maybe I need the pressure thrust upon me. Just right now I cannot open myself up as much as I might like to. Personally, living here in the West I have always felt part of quite an ugly world on a lot of different levels, primarily the consumer driven ideal which I have a hard time with. Though without being a religious zealot I can't really see how you can fully escape that or if I would want to one hundred per cent. But there is surely prejudice in Islam like in every where else. Though I can certainly see the advantage of the spiritual pressure that it demands and how that could sort out someone who has a difficult time having to think for themselves and come to the right and the best decisions for their own mental health and wellbeing. But I'm not sure about Islam for me personally...Sufism perhaps...
  11. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I think that even beyond Islam, something I have always believed in is Wakan Tanka... This is the Native American "religious" belief.. Basically, the semi-dark skinned people who lived here before my ancestors stole what is now the U.S..... They believed, or mostly believe in, "Wakan Tanka," which essentially means, "The Great Spirit."

    There is no concesus amongst Native Americans about what this officially means, as there were/are MANY tribes who didn't nessessarily share the same beliefs....

    But I can tell you it is basically a belief in the wild, the wind, the world... I guess I believe in that more than I do in Islam even....... but living in this world, as you yourself said...... It's hard to come by people who just believe in nature. At least, that's the way it's been in MY life.

    I suppose I also believe in Islam because in that regard, those who believe in nothing do suffer a punishment of sorts... as in Christianity..... but in Wakan Tanka, there is no specific things I don't think. We, who live in this world which can be very traumatic... It's like I WANT to believe in some punishment or ultimate gift or whatever.......

    But I suppose though.... Wakan Tanka would be CLOSER to what I REALLY believe... but I have a need for a judgemental god... and not a fake one... so I guess that's where I want to look to Islam a little.

    All I know is that I believed in something before and now I don't. It's probably my own doing... But maybe not.
  12. wants2die

    wants2die Well-Known Member

    I'm an alcoholic
  13. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    prayer and fasting helped me out of drugs and alcohol. it didn't happen overnight. keep asking. i do go to AA.
  14. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I think I am sick of all those religions which seem to resemble themselves in one way or another. I am looking into Satanism, seriously, and not as a joke... As I have responded in those other posts, I certainly believe in deities but none of them like me... Even after all of my service to what is supposedly good (Christian interests).

    I have read that some people believe Satan is a partron god. That is exactly what I need. I'm sick of holding deities in high regard who obviously don't care about me whatsoever. I think Satan is the hidden way to life for me. I dunno. Definitely the standard, commercialized gods either aren't real or don't care about me. I need non-judgmental people and/or deities in my life to be happy.
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