Are you ready for this?

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by thesemomentsastheypass, May 23, 2006.

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  1. thesemomentsastheypass

    thesemomentsastheypass Well-Known Member

    sorry..had to go
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2006
  2. thesemomentsastheypass

    thesemomentsastheypass Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Sorry, posted something else but decided against it. Thought I may as well use the thread as it's here now. The title was a reference to the length of the poem - this one is even longer.

    Here's the abridged version: guy is on tube (subway), guy hates the drudgery of the daily commute, guy sees girl and thinks he's in love. Girl goes, guy gets over it. Ends.

    DO NOT READ, PEOPLE. SAVE YOURSELVES.

    Everyday fall


    The standard squeal
    and judder heralds
    another stop along the
    line of apparent infinitum
    this one somewhat
    different -
    no dank tile unpolished
    platform brass band
    nor chewing gum stained
    blood carpet reception

    the nasal driver whine
    (perhaps a by-product
    of spending more time
    underground than over,
    incessantly tunnelling,
    burrowing, barren warren)
    crackles a monotone drone
    ‘something, something - waiting
    on a train ahead’
    or ‘death descends –
    no one’s getting out alive’

    Barely audible
    above the brave and free
    shiny slim couple
    talking in loud landmarks
    mispronounced,
    in metaphor, simile – like for like
    like so, like,
    so

    But she’s still there
    in clear view at last
    the girl with the amber glass
    darting eyes
    the cessation of
    grey suit punctuation
    accords a stare, direct
    entirely self unaware
    forget head tilt, crane neck sight
    ricochet off blurred
    black window plate, or
    this guy’s spectacle light,
    that girl’s mobile, metallic nail file


    Never holding my gaze
    she bows to survey
    her knees, mentally redesigns
    and reupholsters the seats
    as I float in reveries
    consumed one moment
    by the velveteen cracks
    a haven for semen stains,
    pieces of rats’ faeces.
    The next: precisely
    the pay I would proffer
    to press a cheek to
    the heat of where
    her buttocks now lay.

    A jolt as we commence,
    shocked back to
    the here and the now
    her head still bowed,
    brow tickled by
    a loose lock she unconsciously
    eartucks with no notion
    of how striking the poetry
    of that motion can be

    Hissing doors slide
    people spill - an exodus
    of the monochrome, ringtoned
    briefcased, glum-faced
    morning brigade
    I sit still in a foot stare pose

    Capsule resealed I steal
    the chance of a glance through
    the latest carriage fill.
    Her face replaced,
    space engaged with the form
    of another or maybe now
    a bleached blank seat
    like I could tell – or care

    It was love, if only
    in that second, that moment
    unrequited I wager, doubt
    that she felt it
    somehow though
    hope that she had a sense
    of what the flit and liquid
    swell of my eyes meant

    and that her cognizance
    and ego will sidestep
    or perhaps permit
    her to see
    they’ll be another
    just like her
    along any minute
     
  3. Oh



    My



    GOD!!!


    (no - i most certainly was - *not* - ready!)
    (now, are you?)


    Stunning


    Remarkable!


    Superb

    (sensous)

    bold!

    sublime...
    DIVINE rhymes!

    What infinitely rich DETAILS!!

    WHAT a JUXTApoSITION!!!!

    And my favorite (among many...)
    Wry at the end

    *sigh*

    So, was it good for you??

    FAL1

    (Ok, I'm past whimsical and downright cheeky now)
     
  4. ...and you might check your PM's
     
  5. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    I recall a conversation we had recently about how long was an instant...

    You managed to take a chance of a glance and unravel the emotions that only nerves can carry in nanoseconds and stretch it out into a most weightless moment that lifted me above my present.

    You have coloured me with your pen.

    Thankyou.



    ~C
     
  6. Same thoughts Curtius - the theme of moments...

    And a few put together make for an epic encounter inside.
    Captured it most extraordinarily, didn't "moments"?!
    It rawks.

    FAL1
     
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "I recall a conversation we had recently about how long was an instant...

    You managed to take a chance of a glance and unravel the emotions that only nerves can carry in nanoseconds and stretch it out into a most weightless moment that lifted me above my present.

    You have coloured me with your pen."


    Curtius; your prose sounds like a brook running over stones - and that's not how I meant to say it at all...:unsure: Your replies are as poetic as your poems.:goodone: How do you do it? You make your reply as beautiful and melodic as the poem to which you're replying... I am envious of your total lack of writers' block.:rolleyes:

    Moments; I was NOT ready for that, but needed no readiness anyway. I had to read it twice - once for the sounds, once for the sense.:wow: and :wow: again!:eek:hmy: I envy you for the visions in your head that transfer to language without losing its essence: the sounds you funnel from head to fingers to keyboard to my screen. (That was a run-on sentence and I don't care.) I used to be able to write that way - at the drop of a word - but no longer....sigh

    My creativity has dried up and blown away - I can't find any trace of it. If any of you lot have any extra you're not needing at the moment, please let me borrow some. I feel as barren as a desert.

    love to all,

    theleast
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2006
  8. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    No love, you have not lost your creativity you have just forgotten how to channel it.

    Remember? A poet writes what they FEEL. Emotions through ink, soul transferred for open viewing to all that might read.

    All too often people try to follow the "rules" of pen. I say bull*&^t.

    Its when you concentrate on the rules and worry about what people might think that you forget how you felt when you first began the poem.

    Many times I get carried away by my own words, I may begin a poem with one idea but it rewrites itself by the end...and thats ok. Its what makes writing so beautiful. Its how I can let my subconscious voice present itself when it is used to being hidden from view.

    LOL...you will never loose your creativity, even if you cannot feel anything at all anymore, describe the blank.

    When everything goes flat - there is still the flat. How does it piss you off? How does it frustruate you? What does it make you crave from your past?

    When things are beautiful and happy...its a poetic buffet.

    Creativity can be a number of things, the colours you were born with in your soul, the way you choose to process your feelings, whatever outlet you may have...writersblock is merely a word, it has no substance.

    If you are stuck then write about the frustruation.

    The words are there love, you only need assemble them, even if its paint splattered on paper.


    ....and Moments, once again I tip my hat. As the water blue grows more etheral the deeper you look, your words illuminate its currents.


    ~C
     
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    OH MY, YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    :wow:
    :goodjob:
    :clap:





    xxxxxxxxx
     
  10. Oh Least... everything that Curtius said (which, oh my - deserves several WOW's! AHmazing) in spades - but also - your *own* replies are flowing poetic prose! I like your replies as much as the poetry here - truly! Curtius captured it in his last few lines - that's what YOU do too! You folks are awesome.... (hope moments pops in some time soon)

    FAL1
     
  11. thesemomentsastheypass

    thesemomentsastheypass Well-Known Member

    Hello friends,

    I've had a really sh*tty day. I've been at hospital all day, trying to make sense of something inside a loved one that has no business being there.

    Lots of tears and a heartbeat of a headache.

    You, yes you, wonderful people have countered some of that and put a smile on a face on a day when it otherwise had no place.

    I sincerely thank you for that.

    FAL1 - I got the PMs. I am deeply flattered and will respond fully soon. Briefly, I am very interested.

    EDIT. Just read the thread a little more thoroughly. I wanted to make an official announcement: Curtius is a genius.

    I am confident, in making such a statement, I'll court no controversy whatsoever.

    One day I'll write a poem that's half as moving or thought-provoking as one of Curtius'/theleast's/FAL1's responses. Then I'll really blow you away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2006
  12. "One day I'll write a poem that's half as moving or thought-provoking... Then I'll really blow you away.

    Silly bunt (refer to Monty Python), you already Do that! Meant all I said in the wee PM. Sorry you had such a sh***y day...for all your worries, hope your head is aching less... It's late where you are - sleep well...let things rest. I shall try and do the same...

    {hugs}
    FAL1
     
  13. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    OK I have to set a couple things straight....

    1) Curtius is female......lol (I used an uncommom name as I HATE being judged before I even speak, and I love the story of Curtius, also I prefer the annonimity)

    2) Curtius is by far NO genius...tho it put a huge smile on my face to be accused of such knowledge...

    3) Curtius also sucks at accepting compliments...so....STOP IT! ;-)


    Moments... is this person in the hosp ill with a physical sickness or lost like the rest of us?
     
  14. Curtius - you're a luv - will you *try* to accept that?

    A *BRILLIANT* Luv
    (try harder...)
    (loving grins)

    FAL1
     
  15. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree!



    :grouphug:
     
  16. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: and more:hug: to you all.:grouphug: If I speak I'll start to cry so I'll stay silent.

    love you muchly,

    theleast
     
  17. thesemomentsastheypass

    thesemomentsastheypass Well-Known Member

    This happened to me again yesterday. In a different environment, but the essence was duplicated.

    I was fairly sure I'd posted this poem on here and so have done some trawling. I didn't recall the interaction that followed. What a yummy thread.

    Anyway, I'm not writing anything at the moment. So rehashing it is.

    Moments
     
  18. Truly sorry you have to encounter this yet again...but glad you're back here to try to gain some catharsis, no matter how little it seems right now...
     
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