Are your cutting sessions ever like this? *heavy triggering*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jameslyons, Jan 24, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I can't really fall asleep tonight, so I was looking through old writings and I came across this excerpt of a journal I wrote right after a pretty heavy cutting session. It's a bit long, so ...

    But I was wondering if anyone else had experiences like this when engaging in self harm. The journal entry is from late November, by the by.

















    Wearing black slacks, white shirt, black tie, brown vest, suit coat and sneakers, I took the slim blade and laid it across my jugular--the pain was exquisite; the cut shallow. I leaned over the chair I was sitting in so that the blood wouldn't stain my clothing. I applied a gauze to the cut then walked into the bathroom. The cut laid open the skin--the tension causing a chasm between blade edges.
    I returned to my room and stripped naked. I took the razor between my fingers and cut and cut and cut and cut. My neck, my arms, my chest, my abdomen, my thighs, and my shins burned with superficial nerve damage. The legs bleed far more than the outer layer of one's neck or torso--rivers of pulsing dark purple blood dripped from cuts up to nine inches in length; they flowed until the sole of my foot was slick with plasma and I was uncertain of my balance.
    There were 43 cuts on my body by the time I finished. Six more along my neck. As with all superficial cuts the blood had coagulated before serious blood loss could occur. Still, I stood in a pool of blood that is currently drying on the floor in a clump--red cells grouped together like mountain ranges and pools of plasma resting in between the made valleys.My legs trembled and my skin broke into goose bumps. I leaned against a wall allowing my body time to adjust to the 49 stinging wounds. I looked downward at my marred flesh and was glad
    I received no sexual arousal from such fine-bladed savagery--I am not a masochist-- Instead, my near impotent artistic aestheticism was pleased, my external body would now scar--some cuts would fade by a week's time, others would persist as angry red lines for a couple months, while others would grow white, thick and angry. I would reflect my struggle with depression--my body which is not repulsive, would look twisted and affected. My anxiety, my struggles against listening to the suicide siren, my social inadequacy and struggles to complete the most basic academic and employment commitment were all found in each open, bleeding sore.
    I would visibly show the effects of molestation
     
  2. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    I've never really had a session that was that bad. I've only ever cut my arm.
    Thats crazy James :(
     
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I thought so too! (So did the doctors, lol :tongue:)

    That was definitely the worst it had ever been. But the good news is that there hasn't been as strong an impulse in a while. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.
     
  4. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting it for us to read. I'm glad you haven't had that strong of an impulse for a while. :)
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.