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argh. and grrrr. (long!)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by rootedphoenix, Oct 16, 2008.

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  1. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    I missed school today. (I'm in college.) I really was sick, but it doesn't make me happy. This sounds way out of line with what I just said, but I really wanted to die...just leave.

    Things in general are okay for now, I'm paying back some debts, but with new ones (student loans ftw?), I can fix my acoustic guitar, I can get my truck from my mom.

    It's just that everything seems to be weighing down on me. Things like:

    -I'm not good enough for my father's family.

    -My choice of major isn't good enough for them, either. (My grandfather never says anything about it, so maybe it's okay with him?)

    -My going to school is questionable for my grandmother. She seems to think that it is the END OF THE PLANET AS WE KNOW IT. Why? She doesn't 'understand' it, doesn't know how I'd get a job in it, doesn't 'understand' how my funding for school works (I have explained what a grant is to her several times, she refuses to accept my explanation). This is the same woman who has refused to open her eyes and see that 10 years has passed since I was 18 and needing help all the time. I've held down jobs, gotten up for school, fed myself, made money, paid bills, gone to the doctor, READ A FREAKING BUS SCHEDULE (When at my grandparent's house, I am not allowed to ride the bus system, I might get lost. Do maps not exist for these people?), not gotten in trouble, paid rent, etc...WITHOUT HER on me every five seconds. But she's at me all the time about how I need to forget school and get a job.

    -Mercifully, the worst my aunt has done is want a full account of all the classes I'd taken and everything I'd need to take. It's not like I've been picking my nose all this time. Any Fs are there because I either didn't understand the class and stubbornly refused to ask for assistance, or I was sick for 50% of the class sessions. (I've had a big fight with migraines aplenty since last December and even before.)

    -A friend of mine decided that not communicating his feelings, holding it in, and letting me know about it all now was the right way to act. (Since when was moral support not helping?) This comes out after asking me "Why haven't you been to church lately?" The boy offers rides, and then whines about giving them. (Long frustrating story, but he's his own WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot factory, and dating this chick who is soon going to be one too.)

    -I haven't been to church in two months or something. I can't get there without a ride (and this is something I get grumbled at for asking about, like I'm supposed to pull a car out of my nose or something).

    -My mother is a very sweet lady. However, I can't lean on her for a thing, because she blames herself for every. thing. that. goes. wrong. EVERYTHING. Some people are dipsticks of gold, and they have caused the problems. Why does she not know or understand this?

    -The army of folks wielding the word 'should' need to drop off the planet. Now.

    -And the dude who wants to hear "great!" when he asks how I am? GRRRR.

    So I guess my question is this: what things keep you going?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2008
  2. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    hi there phoenix!

    Sounds like the attack of the could of's , should of's , would of's have trampled on you lately. Don't let other people do the "fox trot" on you. That is meant to happen on wooden floors and doormats and you are neither of those things.

    What keeps me going? Things I like to do for myself...and myself only. it doesn't matter what others want me to do..If I don't like it, It isn't going to happen. My husband keeps me going and my animals. I am a lover of simple things, like nature. I look at these things on a daily basis, it is what is keeping me grounded right now.

    Search within yourself hun and find out what will keep you grounded and do things you like ..not what others want you to do. Afterall it is what makes you happy in the end that counts.

    sometimes when ppl want the best for us, they can go overboard to make sure it happens, and it is very frustrating to us. sometimes a good simple loving heart to heart can help. Keeping good intentions at bay.

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if you are trying to grow up and get things under control for yourself and several of your family members aren't willing to let that happen. Don't let your grandmother weild that control over you. You are not a child needing her guidance. You have to live for you and no one else. If you are pursuing education in the field of study you wish, then continue on. Grandma doesn't have to like it or understand it. You can show her when you complete it. What keeps me going are my children. Although they are almost all grown. Follow your dreams hun. You are a fighter and will succeed. :hug:
  4. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses and hugs. :D :hug: to you both.
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    sorry there are a lot of things weighing on your mind right now. i hope things start to look up for you soon. try not to let the little things get you down. maybe you could work on cutting down the list of negatives, work through them slowly to correct them?
  6. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    Thanks. :D :grouphug:
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