Argh ffs

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I've been sitting here thinking and rethinking things tonight. Just little things about my life...stupid little things really, but I came to a realization. I am a loser. No matter what people say, I am a loser. I have a dead end job that pays shit, i have no health insurance, I haven't had a car in almost two years because I have no money, I am nothing. I am a loser, I feel like nothing. I feel like 27 years of living and I haven't really lived. I feel like 27 years of living and I've accomplished nothing. Oh fuck it kells, quit whining at least your breathing right...sometimes even that feels like a chore
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Could you change jobs at all?
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    1. It's okay for Shaun to come and go as he pleases, leaves his son home and just leaves to do whatever. Has no liscence, doesn't pay for shit for dylan, doesn't take care of him...and thats okay.
    2.Jerry(23) comes and goes as he pleases, drinks every night, goes out all the time, has his girlfriend come over and stay the night all the time, writes and records rap music iwth fuck in ever sentance...and that's okay
    3. Chris(20) comes and goes as he pleases, stays up all hours, does whatever he pleases, going to florida with his girlriend in amonth..and that's okay
    4. Kelly 27..doesn't go out much...stays to herself, does everything asked to do...gets yelled at for writing and posting my poetry, gets yelled at for being awake at 1 am gets yelled at for wanting to take a vacation b/c all she does is give give give and they take take take..when i off myself will they even care?

  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Ima start looking when i get back from New York
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    You deserve a fucking break. You need to get away, let them fend for themselves, where talking about grown men here, and ya I know Im one to talk, but at least I dont demand somebody else cleans up my mess. I can actually tie my own shoelaces and wipe my own arse.

    You need to escape, because in all honesty, your father and brother will never change if there not being forced to do so. There far too self centred.

    Get out and leave them too it...

    I know ive said that before Kelly, but it really is the only solution.
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Sorry i'm of no use now, but I'm sorry how things are going, you deserve much better, please be good to yourself and try and take care and keep in mind you have friends who care and this site and much, even though it doesn't seem so sometimes, I care and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me on MSN. Hang in there...... :hug: :hug:
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    you're a lovely person, Kelly. You're amazing :hug:
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    True, true........ :yes:
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    It hurts to even feel anymore. i want to be numb...numb is good. was doing good for don't care. i just domn't
  10. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Feeling numb is one of those feel good on paper sort of things, I think if you actually felt numb you would feel MORE like a loser. But you're not, I enjoy my chats with you very much and look forward to our next chat. I won't pretned to believe that your relationships with your family are healthy ones but am unsure how you could challenge them to improve the situation, you know them best so I will leave ithem in your capable hands, but pls don't let them beat you down just because you're willing to give, there comes a point, like MJ said, that therse are grown men and that they must face up to their responsibilities at some point, how that happens is dependant on them and how you approach them, or not as the case may be.
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    So I wrote this right now bc i can't do this anymore..i can't go on living like everything is fine

    Dear Dad

    This is getting old. I do 95% of everything you ask of me around this house. I clean when you ask me to, I vacuum, do laundry, help around the yard, nearly everything you ask of me is done. No, I’m not going to New York to see Terry; I’m going to see a friend of mine. I’m tired dad, tired of never living my life, tired of revolving my life around Dylan as if he’s my son. I’m tired of wanting nothing more than to smile and actually mean it, tired of living my life afraid that I’ll never be anything spectacular.

    Since Dylan was about 2 I have sacrificed my life for him because I love him with all my heart. I have taken care of him, I have bought him clothes, I have bought him food, I have basically given myself to him because I feel like he deserves some kind of female figure in his life. I believe that he deserves someone of a mother figure to be able to love him and nurture him because you know as well as I do that Shaun can’t give him much of anything. I sit home weekend after weekend taking care of Dylan. Shaun walks in and out of this house like he doesn’t have a child. He comes and goes as he pleases, goes out with anyone he wants, has girls sleep over (yes this was recently), smokes in your house, lives in a shit hole and does crap around this house to help, but that’s okay. That’s okay, because Kelly will be here to make sure Dylan is fed, washed up and homework done, because Shaun is not a father. Why is it okay for Shaun to do all these things, but I want a vacation to get away for awhile and I get yelled at? It’s not right and it’s not fair. But hey Shaun’s male and I’m not. You said one night you expected more from me, why? Why can’t you expect him to be a father, he slept with Jess and made Dylan, he should be able to fork over a little time, love and money to take care of him.

    You want to talk to me about my trip to New York while Jerry comes and goes as he pleases, drinks to no end, has girls sleeping over and having sex with them in your house, going to Foxwood’s and blowing $300 dollars in one night, but that’s okay because he’s male. It’s okay that Jerry becomes an alcoholic but not that Kelly wants to get away for awhile. It’s okay that Jerry brings home girls and has sex with them, but if I did that you wouldn’t be pleased at all. It’s okay for Jerry to write vulgar rap songs with the F word clearly in all of them, he can go down and record them and that’s okay. Me, I write poetry, I love poetry and I’m good at what I do, but I get yelled at because my poetry is less than pleasant. It’s my way to vent, but God forbid if someone sees what I write that’s wrong. I’m talented and gifted at it, so why can’t I express it even if it does have some swears in it. You tell me to take my poetry off of myspace, have you see Jerry’s myspace rap page. Well, what about him too?

    Chris can go on a ten day vacation with Beth and that’s okay. He can have her stay over up his room and it’s okay. Why is it okay for all three of them to do as they please but when it comes to me it’s so different?

    I do so much, dad and granted I slip up and I forget to do things but if you need help I am there. I come outside and I help you around the yard, I spent all day with you cleaning the house for Dylan’s birthday, if you ever need me I get up and I help. What does Shaun do to help? What does Jerry help you do?

    Dad, I do nothing with my life, I go to work (I know my job sucks) and I come home(I know I have no car). I cook dinner for Dylan and I most nights and I do nothing. I stopped playing cards because you didn’t approve of it. I don’t go out anymore because I’d rather just lock myself away. I’d rather sit in my room and write poetry. I don’t even go take many photos anymore, which I’m also really good at. I’d rather just seclude myself from the real world and not have to deal.

    Dad I’m 27 and I know I have failed you in a lot of ways, I know you didn’t envision me to be this way, I know you hoped for a better future for me. I hold so much anger in my heart from when I was younger. I don’t know if you know this but mom used to say some pretty nasty things to me, awful things that have led to me today believing in those things that she said. She told me once that I would never fit into her wedding dress because I would never be thin enough, she backed me into a corner one night while you were on a business trip and slapped me in the face twice. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time dad, I feel like I’m stuck. Stuck because Dylan loves me and needs me, stuck because I know Shaun will never be a true father, he’ll only care about himself. I feel stuck because half the time I just want to fade away. I keep a lot to myself, but I am breaking Dad, truly breaking. I know that’s not what you want to hear but I know I’m not okay, I know that if I had a better job, a better career, if I had finished school, I could get the help I needed. I could talk to someone that could help me get control of my emotions, because I’m spinning out of control. I need this vacation dad, without I will lose my mind. I need to get away for a couple days, away from being Dylan’s constant mother figure, away from having to worry about whether he has someone getting him off the bus, or if he’s eaten, or if he’s had a bath.

    I’m sorry I woke you up last night, but it hurts me a lot to feel like I’m treated differently because I’m a girl, that’s how I feel. The three boys can do as they please but the second I want an ounce of happiness I feel like I get attacked for it. I love you so much Dad, you have given us all so much in life, you have sacrificed so much and have given us a wonderful life, and I would never say otherwise. I know I have let you down in so many ways and when I get back from New York I intend on making changes and bettering myself, but I really need to go to New York to get my head straight and get my life back in order because to be perfectly honest, I feel my life slipping out of my hands and I don’t want to be that out of control. I love you.

  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If you dont give that to your dad I'll fly over and smack your bum!!!
    It's time he had a wake-up call hun.
  13. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    lol Terry

    Kells i really think you give it to him. Terry's right he does needs a wake up call.

  14. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    That's a fantastic letter. Give it to him, and let us know how it goes. No reasonable human being could read that and then go on acting the same way. :hug: Good luck x
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Quite right Nods:smile:
  16. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I am scared shitless, I just sent the letter via email because the printer for some reason wasn't working. So, it's sent. I came home from work and thus far he just looks at me with disgust...and won't speak to me..let's play the immature game for awhile shall we..i know he is looking at a failure but does he have to make it so blatantly obvious