Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Est, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. Est

    Est Guest

    I'm so angry right now and I don't even know exactly why.
    I guess this will be a shitty rant, but it's better to type shit up here and to go off and fuck my arm up even further.

    I should just go off and selfharm. I'm only not doing it cos I know it hurts my housemates that I selfharm. For therapy I don't need to stop it. I'm already fucked there anyway LOL

    Last week the therapist from creative therapy saw my arm. She didn't say anything about it though, not to me anyway.
    Last week also I had a talk with my personal counsellor and to make a long story short. We have to work on my feelings of guilt and how I feel I don't deserve anything, first. That comes forth from the death of S. and me blaming myself for it. blabla as long as I feel guilty and undeserving cos of it, I can subconsciously sabotage therapy blabla which is why tomorrow she will start a rather new method with me: EMDR.
    Today. Sucked.
    The team of therapists I have discussed me during their team-meeting and apparently they're "extremely worried" about me. Blabla.. suicide attempt blabla... hows that now blabla..
    "How often do you think of suicide nowadays?"
    "every day :unsure:"
    *sees their faces.. with those, maybe we should commit her, looks in their eyes, and quickly adds: *
    "but I know it'd hurt people so I don't do anything with it."
    they kept going on about it though...
    "why do you wanna die?"
    "cos I don't see the point in life. We go to school work and then die."
    *hears most of the group mumble "yes, exactly"*
    blablabla lots of more stuff and then they came to my future and stuff and before I knew, I threw it out. I didnt want to say it, I never meant to tell anyone from therapy. and there i was, my mouth spit the words out:
    "In 14 years I'll be dead anyway :dunno: "

    ha. I'm skating on very thin ice with therapy. My honesty is not good. I need to keep things from them, cos if this goes on.. I'm screwed.

    oh yeh. guess what.
    I most likely won't go back to uni this year. Guess what. Ha. Not that it matters I'll die anyway blablablalblablalblablalb

    but yeh. ha. life sucks. ha. and I'm going crazy right now. I need to fuck my arm up or whatever. I need to release this anger. I need to release this pain, I need to release this sadness..

    my sister still lives at home. I can't see my parents at all. cos I'd end up fighting with my dad and I'd end up doing stupid things to myself afterwards. if not kill myself in an upset mood.
    But next week, on Thursday it's her birthday
    I have to go there, for her. I have to. I can't let her down the way she let me down. Paul is right. She didn't stay out of it. She chose her side already.
    And eventhough I feel betrayed, I can't let her go.
    I love her :cry: She's the last family member I am in touch with.
    I love her.
    I have to go to her birthday. I have to. I'll just eat myself the entire night. with all the questions from all relatives, hiding my arm very well, eating myself from within, facing my dad and his wife the entire night
    I'll have to sleep there too then.
    Friday would be hell then.
    I could of course sneak out in the middle of the night and crash at paul's place again. I can't do that. I knwo what I'll end up doing if I go to her birthday. I'll end up eating myself, feeling embarrassed and shit all night and then when everyone's gone sneak out and kill myself somewhere or wahtever.
    But if I don't go... :cry: I will feel guilty and shit for abandoning my sister like that and I'll end up doing stupid stuff too.

    Why am I wondering about next week? right now it's still questionable whether I'll even make it to this weekend or not LOL.

    ha. fuck me. over and over again.
    oh.. and if I say that I'd never fuck you, just pay me. Guaranteed I'd fuck you then. HA.

    Kick me while I'm down, it's what I want.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Est hun :hug:

    Your honesty in therapy is your saving grace, if you did but know it. :hug:
    So they might institutionalise what..more help THAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW :hug:

    Est please, phone your sister and explain how bad you are feeling at the moment. Tell her about the therapy and all the shit it's stirring up and then tell her it would be better for your mental health if you don't come next week-end.
    She loves you hun..she will understand :hug:
  3. Est

    Est Guest

    My sister doesn't understand :cry:

    Few weeks ago we had a very open and honest talk. First talk we EVER had this open and all. She cried. It tore my heart apart. She never cries in front of anyone. Now she cried in front of everyone at the pool center.
    She wants me to get back in touch with my parents so badly.
    She thinks they are right in whatever they do. She doesn't wanna hear my side to the story. I never expected her to choose my side or any side for that matter. Back in january she told me she wanted to stay out of it.
    Now she's all .... grrr.. my parents fucking use her as a crisp. Dipped her into their sauce. the story as they see it. and she's all covered in their sauce.
    I feel betrayed for her chosing my dad's side. but also I understand.
    Firstly she and dad... well that's one united thingymajig whatever.
    Secondly I'm worthless anyway lol. The longer I think about it, the more I think she lied to me. "I don't want to lose you" FUCK THAT, Sis! You pushing me to get back in touch with my dad and J. will make you lose me.

    Fuck sake I can't do that anymore I can't fucking do any of it anymore..

    I just want fucking out.

    I can't do it anymore :cry:
    I dont know what to do :cry:
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If you can't face going then you can't...simple as.
    You have to protect yourself at the moment hun. :hug:
  5. Est

    Est Guest

    No I shouldn't protect myself. I should stop doing what I do. I should stop doing things for myself at all.
    Why can't I just do what I have to. I don't deserve any of the good things I do to myself. I'm fucked up. I don't deserve to be kept from pain.
    I have to go there, I have to. It's my fuckin Sister.
    I have to go there. Who cares if I end up killing myself over my fuckin parents. I don't.
    I so badly want to scream at them fucking therapists that I think of it EVERY SINGLE day, that I do plan it in my head.
    I lied to them lol. One thing I lied about. I couldn't tell the truth in front of the entire group
    "do you plan it?"

    HA fuckers. Tomorrow starts EMDR. Tomorrow also individual appointment with my counsellor. Maybe I should be honest? Maybe I should tell her that I want to die so fucking badly that I don't think I'm safe at home anymore?

    "dont think I'm safe at home anymore" LOL listen to that. I AM not safe anymore.


    but I don't want to be sectioned. or committed. or institunionalized. or whatever.
    I want to be able to ... kill myself.
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