Suicidal ideation has been a real struggle for me lately. I've been suicidal for about 10 years, and been hospitalized several times for it, even institutionalized. It's always been an emotional response. I've never really finished the job (obviously) because I either didn't do enough damage or didn't have the strength/courage to see it all the way through. But something has changed and it's not for the better. What I'm going through recently has been a change of motivation, and it's scaring me a lot. I've switched from an emotional push to a rationalization. I already know what the emotional side of me wants to do, but I know (for my own safety) that I shouldn't trust it. Then one day I started looking at it rationally. That's the way my brain has worked for a long time; I weigh every argument for an against and wait for one side to tip past the other. So I'm going at this rationally and the "end it all" side is starting to win. It's easy to ignore the emotional reasons because I know they're not good for me, but the rational reasons are starting to get very dominant and they're hard to look past. What I mean is; I mostly trust my logical brain because of how much I've developed it, so I have to listen to it. I've been making two lists; one for and one against, and there's a lot more in the "for" category than the other. Since I know my logical side to be more or less trustworthy, I'm coming close to a decision. Would someone else please weigh in here? This is really different for me. It's easy to be talked out of an emotional response if you calm down and listen to the person trying to support you (and trust that person). Now, however, I rationalize the whole thing and talking to anyone (like a support line) becomes a debate instead of display of care and support.