Around and around

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Raven, Sep 23, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Raven

    Raven Guest

    I see my future it never ends, death is no release, just living that I am not able to cope with. <edit moderator total eclipse method> seems a comfort this night, something to take away the fear. Do you fear your own life? I would die this night if it would give me releases, but maybe the <edit moderator method triggering> shall give me a reprieve.

    Last edited: Sep 23, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and have not seen you in a while...what is going on? Please share with us...big hugs
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you have so much fear. What scares you? The uncertainty of the future?
  4. Raven

    Raven Guest

    Everyone in this world seems to be moving on with their lives, I would like to think I have moved on with mine, but no one else sees it that way. My father, my friends, everyone wonders why I don’t have a girlfriend. I have no love of people, of humanity, I can’t understand them, I don’t cry at funerals, when someone I know dies I have very little feelings for it. I don’t know how to be a person, how to love. I don’t know how to be any of this and yet it is expected.

    A bottle of scotch a week is not enough anymore, sometimes it is two or three, drinks every night until I can pass out. Then coffee until noon until I feel I can make it through the day to another night of drinking.

    I have to wear mask of sorrows, happiness, I have to behave or the people in my life will not accept me. They would see the real me and I don’t want that to happen. Since my father fell ill everyone has leaned on me, they want something I am not capable of being, a caring and loving son, I have to force it, I have to make them all think I am human. It has left me barren, burnt and without defense of normal life. I have no buffers anymore and I can’t tell anyone, how would they react that I don’t have the ability to feel sorrow, to feel that someone close to me might die. I don’t know how to feel. How to act. Or who to be.

    It is why I am trying to sabotage myself here, I know my time has come to leave, I don’t have the ability to fit in anymore, to relate to your feelings that are beyond my ability to comprehend. I can’t be human, I can’t belong, I never will be able to hide my self entirely, someone will always notice. I will always be an outcast where ever I am. Always trying to fit in in a world I can never be a part of.
    Forgive me for what I said yesterday, it was unwarranted and unneeded, the thoughts I have should not be expressed to anyone, they should not be felt by anyone, yet they are my lullaby. I wish I could choose who I was, but I am only what I am, and that is forever broken. Everyone I cared for has told me that I am not normal, I do not fit in, that I am broken beyond repair. They are right; they just do not know the extent.
    I know I have said this in the past but my time here should have ended long ago, I don’t have anything to contribute, and only words who’s meaning escape me to contribute. My road is a lonely one, it is one walked with a heavy heart, a long stick and only the stars to guide me. I fear my journey shall never end. That this life is only the start and that feels me with the only true dread I have known. That life shall last beyond this world.

    I must let go of the people here, it was one of the few places I could vent, that I could try to make someone else understand, but it is an unfair burden I place on the people here, if you can understand me then you are a being like me, to broken to be fixed, and no one will leave you alone, they want you to have a wife you could never love, children you could never care for, to fit in to a world you could never belong.

    The funny thing is that if people would let me be I think I could find the ability to live here among you strange creatures.

    I will miss the horses of this world, but I doubt they will miss me, the cruel master I became. Only the mints in my pockets but at least I gave them a small amount of joy.

    To you all the best dreams for the future, I will never be a part of it. I could never be human. Your world, your dreams your hopes your fears are something I could never be a part.

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun yes humans can be very strange and cruel but they also can be very kind and compassionate and caring hun i hope you stick around some mroe hun
    please get help if you need it now okay call for help now.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.