around me

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Cortez, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I have energy, I feel like cutting.
     
  2. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    That feels slightly better. I got the fuel I needed to remind me that we are subhuman, we must have been bad in another life to live like this in this one, to be the bottom of the barrel; and me specifically to be worse off than them, of course I'd rather this company than theirs. So rub it in my face why don't you, that's right, you already are. Now that I don't exist anymore I find myself lingering, trapped in a world where either you or I am in intruder, either way I linger, no where else to go; but I still bleed, so much so that I keep a red shirt near by to not stain your floor.
     
  3. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    Hi Cortez
    why is it you feel like cutting?
     
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    They won today.
     
  5. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    I don't know what it is, whoever they are, won
    but maybe don't think of it as a game of winning and losing, separate these people and whatever they've done from the life you lead away from them. i hope things get better for you.
    have you thought about distractions? to stop you harming yourself? have you tried maybe finding something else to set your mind on?
    do you want to talk? if you do, you can PM me?
    Jess
     
  6. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    It's not anyone specific, it's everybody, especially around here, this environment. Cutting myself is the most proper way of expressing my feelings about myself to my body, I can't think of anything else that would involve that much hate and anger than mutilation.

    I can't PM, chat or any of that as I am under permanent moderation because SF thinks I am too much of a nuisance (perhaps they are right). Thanks though.
     
  7. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I am sorry for all the things you are going through, I know how painful and lonely it can be, your not alone i know how it feels when you need to cut, please be careful
     
  8. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel as though the world is against you, not everyone is like that and it's important you remember that. could you change the environment you're in? work/school/living arrangements? perhaps finding a way out of the environments which cause you to feel this way will alleviate some of that pain?
    sorry i'm new so i don't know how moderation works.
    jess
     
  9. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Yea, I'm planning on leaving here by transferring to a University, it's my last hope. Thanks.
     
  10. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks letty. How are you feeling today?
     
  11. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hi cortez, i am feeling ok today, i had a tough day yesterday, i felt that the doctors were ignoring me. i was feeling hopeless, but today was better i worked so i kept my mind on other things.
    but i hope your doing well. have you cut today? be carefull, you are cared for. i hope things work out with the move and you can feel happier.
     
  12. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    That's good that you have a job to keep you occupied; what do you do for work? Me myself I have no job, I just go to school full time. I didn't cut today, but I am not feeling the greatest. Sometimes I feel like what's the point in even being in college. I've been in college for a couple of years now and nothing has changed, I still have no social life and spend most of my time cooped up in my room, this is no way of living. Plus the fact that I don't really have no where to be or nothing to do outside of home; it doesn't help that I absolutely hate myself. I don't know what I'll do next.
     
  13. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I can't stand myself as everyone else is better than me, I want to willingly take myself out of this world because I am not happy with it. What the fuck am I waiting for...
     
  14. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I remember things as a child, I think they were the only times I was ever alive.
     
  15. letty

    letty Banned Member

    hey there cortez im glad you didnt cut. thats great that you go to college. i work part time, i help out in a office, simple tasks nothing great. but you going to college, that takes alot of work.
    i dont have much of a social life anymore, because of the illness. but i am tring to learn to be content when its just me here. its hard and at times i fail. I think its nice you remember things as a child and how alive you were, hold on to those memories, things will get better. you are not a bad person no ones better than you. hang in there dont give up
     
  16. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    How have you been feeling letty?
     
  17. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I was struggling the other night I felt like i wanted to cut, i wasnt sad or suicidal, I just felt the need to cut. instead i put ice cubes on my wrist, I kept it on to where it burned, but it didnt hurt my wrist. that helped with the strange feeling i was having. I am physically feeling sick tonight again.. but i am ok, how about you are you alright. hang in there
     
  18. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    My therapist suggested I do that, though I think cutting suites me more because of how much I hate myself and what I think about myself. Are the meds making you sick again or is it something else?

    Yesterday I played tennis for the first time in my life, I liked it.

    I feel like drinking, I am 8 months sober now, maybe I should cut instead since I am feeling angry and hateful, also I'm feeling lonely.
     
  19. letty

    letty Banned Member

    congratulations on 8 months of sobriety. I know thats not easy, I tried tennis but i am not good at it, I bet you had fun. you should play it more..
    I thought it was the meds. but i havent taken them yet and im sick. its discouraging, I hope you hang in there, i like to drink, but aftter im more depressed than when i started.
    you seem like a nice person to me..take care of yourself.
     
  20. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    What are you going to university for? Is there something you're striving to do that's keeping you on this world? Something that will give you purpose?
     
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