Arrggghhhh!!! FUCKING HELL!!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Jul 17, 2009.

  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Why are the people around me so GOD DAMN FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!!!?!?!

    I live with my Mother, I have no choice in that matter, but for fuck sake, she knows I am depressed, she can even see that I have bandaged up my arm because I diced it to shit the other night, she saw me come home with red eyes and pull a box of plasters out of the cupboard, she saw the blood on the floor, she saw the mat had been pulled up, she saw the blood stained towels, she sees that I haven't left the house in days, she sees that I can barely muster up the motivation to get out of bed, she sees that I answer people with one word when they ask me a question, she hears my cousins wife ask about my friends and hears me say 'what friends' and then when my cousins wife asks what happened I say 'I just realised I didn't have any', she even - EVEN - tells me I am never going to reach my goal weight and for the first time in a long time I nod in agreement and tell her she is right and you know why, because I cannot take the weight loss medication that the Doctor prescribed anymore because I need to go back on the depression meds and they cancel each other out and to top it all off, I cannot exercise anymore because I just cannot fucking move I am numb. I tell her IT'S BECAUSE I AM DEPRESSED MUM, IT'S BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DEPRESSED, I CAN BARELY WAKE MY FUCKING SELF UP TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY HOW EXACTLY AM I GOING TO SHOWER AND GET TO THE GYM.

    You know what she does then...

    silence.

    OH but you were so fucking vocal before about how useless I am, how fat and hideous I am, you practically went on a rant about me losing weight and how I will never be able to. But as soon as I agree with you and tell you why.

    ... Silence?

    What's that about eh? Not so vocal now are you? Nothing to say now eh?
    As per fucking usual. Bury your head in the sand like a flamingo Mum. Your child is depressed and suffering. I understand you cannot help or chip in your 2 cents worth on the matter at all because you don't know what to say, but how about ACCEPTING THE SHEER FUCKING FACT!!!!! ACCEPT IT. JUST ACCEPT IT. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE AND ACCEPT IT. BECAUSE IT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
    LIKE IF I TOLD YOU I WAS GAY OR DYING. IT'S THERE IT'S IN PLAIN SIGHT, AND YOU CAN STICK YOUR HEAD WHEREVER YOU LIKE BECAUSE THAT FACT, THE FACT THAT I AM DEPRESSED - ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
     
  2. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just the voice of experience and my opinion.

    If it's so bad living with her why not move?
    You want your mother to accept the fact you're depressed, why can't you accept your mother for the person she is?
    Perhaps she doesn't say anything because she's afraid she will say something wrong.
    When was the last time you had a talk with her with you blowing up?
     
  3. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I've spent the last 15 years telling my Mother I am depressed.
    Believe me, I am NOT an angry person, I run away from confrontation. All of this ^ is because of how she dismisses it.

    The first attempt... I was 13. Do you know how difficult it is for a 13 year old girl to sit down and tell someone she is depressed and suicidal? To have a parent say they understand, we will get you help, everything is going to be okay, we'll figure this out and then to wake up in the morning and have it be like it was a dream, her ignore me completely and everything go back to normal, like I hadn't said anything?

    It would've been too painful to repeat myself or to say "so what are we going to do about what we discussed last night?".
    She acted as if I hadn't said anything, kept on treating me the same way she always does, using the same derogatory comments she always does, the comments that make me feel like shit & ten times worse when I'm depressed and still using those same comments all these years later even though nothing has changed, except for my depression getting worse.

    How am I supposed to accept my Mother for the person she is when she cannot accept me - her child - for the person I am?
    I didn't ask to be here, she gave birth to me.

    You are right about one thing, I should just move away. But with no job and £5k worth of debt, if only it were that easy...
     
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    man when i told my mum i was suicidal, i got a smack round the face and told not to be so stupid. but meh. shes got her life, ive got mine and about 6 miles of distance between us.
     
  5. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    It must be hell living with someone who isn't as supportive as they should be,especially if that person is your mother.It also is aweful to be dependent financially on someone else for shelter etc...it makes you feel helpless.Certainly doesnt help depression.Even though you are in the UK,it seems UK has similar epidemic of mental health problems as the US.There just isn't enough help out there for people who need independence and psychological help and a chance to get out of a dead end situation.I swear there should be more half way houses for women and men who are struggling .There just needs to be more help.The entire mental health system needs to be quadrupled and intensified and taken more seriously.Lifting people out of helplessness and despair needs to be seriously overhauled..in the meantime I am glad you have this forum Linds83..
     
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I often think that's the best thing for it. :(
     
  7. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    I feel your pain. My depression is so bad I have suicidal thougths all the time. I gained 80lbs in 5 months thanks to stupid "seroquel". I need to lose the weight but a) I'm literally so exhausted I don't have the strength to go the gym, and b) My life is in such shambles I don't even see the point. My Mom is always lecturing me on how I need to exercise to get the weight off and has even tried to talk me into going walking with some friends of hers. Well for one thing, it's too hot to be outside in this h*ll hole no matter how early you get up. She also gets on me about staying up all night and I'm like, what difference does it make? I have no job and no friends. This is embarrasing to admit, but I've gone without a shower for as long as three days. I just don't see the point. I'm 43, have no job, no friends, and have been turned down twice for SSDI (despite the fact that I have bp2, major depression, social anxiety and agorophobia.) And what sucks is that in a former life several years ago I was teaching 6 aerobics classes a week, was a poster child for health and now I'm basically destitue and living off of charity. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I definately can relate. I don't now why she does it but she's always bringing up my two brothers and how they are doing which makes me feel like sh*t because I have no job or friends, I actually told her yesterday that I don't want to hear ANYTHING about them anymore. It just seems like everyone else is having fun and I'm a loser.

    Anyway, lately I've been having trouble getting out of bed myself. My Mom has finally stopped calling me in the morning after I explained to her how I would much rather enjoy the nightime than wake up ealry to see the same old crappy weather - Sunny and HOT. It's like the move Groundhog day when the guy wakes up everyday and it's the same thing. If I had the money I would move from this desert h*llhole to somewhere else but I can't because I have no money. Anyway, enough of my rating. Feel free to send me a PM if you're having a hard time.

    Take care,

    Kat
     
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Just sent you a PM Kat
     
  9. Jasin

    Jasin Member

    If your mom calls you fat and hideous and does not try to encourage you in any way, then she sounds like a bad, bad parent. You are just going to have to overcome your mother to get where you're going – that’s really all there is to it.

    Also, weight loss meds are not the answer for you to lose weight. F the weight loss meds. You need to exercise and eat right - that is the only way to achieve long-term weight loss. You are just going to have to find a way to work out if you want to lose weight. You will feel better and better about yourself as you get to the gym and see the consistent progress that you are making. The progress that you see and the feeling that it gives you will serve as your inspiration and will keep you motivated to work out - believe me when I say that. Like lots of things, the hardest part of getting in shape is taking the first step. After you do that, it only gets easier. Nobody can dig you out of the hole that you're in but you. I know what it's like to not want to even get out of bed, but you just have to fight through that. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.