arrrgggghhh *rant*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    i feel soo shit right now i feel like i need to fucking scream! you all think im so held together, think im stable, think i don't get down, i've seen people on here say it, im not who you think i am, im dying inside, dying from the guilt i put myself thru, i might seem okay to you lot but iside im not, i put on a front for you, to make you think im fine, i can't tell you how i feel or whats happened with my family, my brother, my dad, my past, how can i tell someone whos emotionally upset right now, im strong for certain people here, im willing to listen, willing to help, but when people ask how i am or whats wrong i can't say because i feel guilt inside, added guilt to what i allready feel. I'm torn between my family, stuck in the middle of everything, i dont know what to do anymore, what do i do to get rid of this pain, pain kill myself? but they 'love' me, they cause me pain, i cause them pain, what life is that?!?! they keep me here, if they weren't here id would of done someone irreversable along time ago, iv felt like this for along time, since i was 12 - 13, i tried drowing myself once in the bath, for some reason i blocked it out of my head and forgot about, then someone mentioned about drowing and it brought it all back, i don't know why i blocked it out, but remembering brought it all back, i was soo young and i tried something like that, no one knew, no one knew how i felt, no one noticed, does that mean i was good at hiding it or no one cared enough to notice, i dunno any more, i dunno any more, what is there to live for apart for the family that caused this pain i feel right now, i hate my life, i hate me....i have nothing good to offer anyone, i might aswell be dead...
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Vikki :hug:

    I'm glad that you wrote how you're feeling here.. did it help at all? And I'm sorry for all that you've been through, and are still going through right now.

    Vikki, I understand that you want to help others, that you want to stay strong for others and not let the people you are helping know that you too, are struggling. But at the same time, YOU have reasons for one day typing 'suicide' in to google, or however you found SF. People are here for their own reasons. Some find it helpful to themselves to help others.. but there is no rule to say that we need to hide how we feel from others here.

    Do you also hide how you are feeling in 'real life' from those around you? I wonder if it's something you do kinda naturally, if you know what i mean.. either way, it's obvious that by hiding what's going on in your life, and how you're feeling, you're not getting the support that you need. No one is going to think any less of you for feeling down. In fact we're more likely to sway the other way and offer our friendship and support back to you!

    Why not give us a chance.. practice taking off your mask with us.. it may help?

    Jenny xx
  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    (((Vikki))) Admittedly I can relate, with the drowning part too... although I do hope that it helped to get that all out. Just remember though, you came here first to help YOURSELF, when you first joined. :hug:

  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry i feel like a right twat for writting that, i was majorly upset when i wrote that, and it did kinda help to get that out, jenny your right, in my life iv allways hide how i feel, thats why i think i do it here. I havn't been coping well this week, a few people here know i havn't out no one around me in my life knows how im not coping.

    Twice last week i took the emotional pain out on myself in a physical way, i felt like i was getting better, getting stronger inside, but the last few weeks i felt like im slipping beyond the lowest point iv ever been. I put on this mask for everyone else, for my family, even people here. I feel i have to be strong for others, id rather help someone out then help myself.

    It's not that im asking for support, if someone offered me their support i'd rather they give it to someone else rather than me because i feel i aint worth the trouble, im not worth the trouble for anyone, the reason i made this thread was because i was upset and angry with myself, i wish i could delete it becausei feel like a twat know, the main reason im here is to support others , but even doing that is soo emotionally draining that it upsets me, and when im upset about someone here i start to think about the past few years of my life, and what happened with my dad, the situation with my dad wasn't a major thing but still affects me mentally today, then i get upset then take it out on myself, i dunno what to do anymore.

    With the drowning, i dunno why i blocked it out, its something i didn't think about till someone montioned them trying to drown themselvs. It brought it all flooding back, how low i felt when trying to do that and no one aroudn me realised because i put on this 'mask', i thought it was something i forgot about, something i mentally blocked out. Its just made me think "maybe i'v felt like this longer than i thought" but i never knew it, if that makes sense.

    :hug: jenny :hug: TDM

    vikki xxx
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hun you know where i am if you EVER need to talk..i really hope i wasnt one of the people you meant when saying how you help others but cant admit to how YOU are feeling? :(
    know you can ALWAYS tell me ANYTHING
    take care
    sam x
    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hun dont worry you weren't one of the people in mind, some people can upset me majorly on here, but honestly you aren't one of them, if anything your one of the people who can make me feel better and i can have a laugh with. :biggrin:
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    anytime hun x