As a parent is it ok to fall apart?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BornFree, Jul 7, 2014.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Right back at the bottomless pit, with my head pounding and so sore & tired I just don't want to wake up anymore...I love my children, but I just wonder what is the point when we are only facing more illness & surgeries in our future, when is it enough, should we be making space for others... as it stands we are just drains on the economy and health system. I don't actually know what to say anymore and normally I am so scared to post and then have no one reply.
    As a parent I guess the expectation is to be strong , grounded and sensible then oh god I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. I can't stop thinking about it, seeing my DS so ill and every time my DD complains of any kind of pain I have my heart in my throat and the terror starts all over again
    I don't see how we can keep going like this it just seems to make sense.
  2. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    The answer to your question is Yes it is okay for a parent to fall apart. Your not made of super powers, nobody is constantly happy everybody has tough times in their life. I'm sorry your going through a tough time :hug:
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi BornFree,
    If you're interested in reading a book about the problem of why there is pain, C.S. Lewis wrote a good one: "The Problem of Pain" - as you ask what's the point. It might help to give you the courage and strength to keep going, and to know that you are very worthy recipients of all the treatments that medical authorities have at their disposal :)
  4. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you Concrete Angel and youRprecious :hug: your kind words mean a lot. Thank you. I feel like the buck stops with me and I am ultimately responsible for their happiness and well being, I am falling apart I am so tired of the pain and knowing I have inflicted this disease on my children too is devastating. Their future is marred with the disease process. I am a living example of the pain and suffering that awaits them. Surely eternal sleep would be better for us all.
  5. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Yes, you are a parent, but you are also a human being and we all have a breaking point. You sound exhausted and hopeless and as if you need more support than you are getting. Are there any support organisations for people with your condition? Can you see your GP and explain how low you are?
    As for 'being drains on the economy and health system' I am proud to live in a country that supports people and provides universal, free healthcare. Please don't buy into the current political climate of blaming the vulnerable and bashing the poor, sick and helpless. The government should be ashamed of the way that it talks about people on benefits and those in need. You and your children are people who have as much right to live and be supported as anyone else. Think about the way that the super wealthy cheat, defraud and avoid paying tax. Do you think they ever feel that they are a drain? Seriously those people are a bigger drain than any number of sick, old or poor people! It makes me mad when people like you feel so terrible about getting basic care!
    As for your children's future none of us know what it holds and as someone that lives with several serious health conditions (all inherited) I would never blame my parents and I doubt whether they will either. I bet your children have good days and I'm certain that they would rather be alive than not. Try and enjoy your time with them and focus on the positive although I know that it's hard. This brings me back to the start; you need help and more support please try and find it. I hope that you get help soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2014
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Of course it is okay to fall apart- nobody can be perfect and strong all the time - especially when combating your own physical and and emotional struggles. Having a lot of experience balancing my own physical limitations since becoming sick with the strain and needs of family it is impossible to do it all all of the time by yourself. In your case the lack of support form husband only adds to that stress - if not being the major cause of it.

    When we get to the point where we cannot manage it all on our own though is when it is time to do the hardest thing in the world and that is get help. As a parent there is nothing more difficult than to say we need help with out kids but I think you need to seriously consider that based on the thoughts you are having about your solution to the situation. While contemplating suicide is the reason we all are here in some way or another, when you start thinking or feeling like not only is that a solution for you but that is a solution for you and your children it is time to get real help. It is one thing to say my children would be okay without me - it is erroneous and and no child would be "better without a paretn in my opinion- but feeling like they may be better without you is opinion that we all weigh out. You are saying taking children with you and they would be better off dead as well - that is not a place where you get to make the decisions for them and is a place where you need to reach out to somebody that can help put things in perspective either by helping you , helping you and your children, or if you really do not want help for yourself you are obligated as a parent to get help for them if that is where your thoughts are. It is not looking out for their best interests anymore if you decide rather than getting help on their behalf you end their lives with yours.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I can't imagine how you have managed thus far. You have done good and are doing good. Al you can do is the best you can. And I can't relate not being a parent but I think Ben said it well when explaining how difficult it must be to consider asking for help as a parent. I don't think there's a thing wrong with doing so either. Particularly when you've to be both parents so to speak. :hug:
  8. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you K8E, NYJmpMaster & Mo :hug: I wish there were a support group for this condition, without saying too much to give my identity away, this disease is ultra rare 3 separate family lines in the world have it, and its registered on the NORD site. If we had something that was recognized in society we would have others to talk to, instead it seems we are even more isolated and alone as no one understands, we don't even understand and as the disease process itself is so variable even in my family my relatives who have it mildly or a different set of complications don't understand. I am just so very tired I keep trying to give it one more shot and keep failing miserably. From last time I was so desperate I know how quickly things can be taken out of your hands and when other services get involved its nigh on impossible to get control back and be treated as a valid human being again. Which is partly why I haven't sought help, that and the fact I don't know how... I very rarely leave the house and never answer the phone. Writing here I seem to be able to talk but irl I clam up and go blank and just dont know what to say everything seems so wrong I can't make the most basic of decisions, I write and delete, stare into space and lose time. And we have lost benefits as I just don't know what to say anymore so we are spiralling into debt. Then for brief periods I try to pull myself together to rescue the business and then I crash again. Thinking the thoughts and feeling as I do just seems to highlight the horrible selfish person I have become, I know its wrong, but I'm not sure we have much choice.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I do not see a selfish person when I read your posts. I see someone who truly loves their family and wants the best for them. But, do to circumstances, getting the best is very very hard. Considering all you are dealing with it certainly is ok to fall apart. People fall apart for many lesser reasons. Falling apart is a very human thing to do. And picking ourselves up again afterwards is a very human thing to do.

    Regarding support, I understand your disease is very rare, but perhaps there is a more generic group that could help you. For example, a support group for caregivers. We have them in the States, hopefully they are available in the UK.

    I don't believe you are ultimately responsible for your families happiness. I believe each individual is responsible for their own happiness. Think of the children who have been born into a world where they have everything, and their lives are still miserable. I rode the bus for a while with a young man who has a neurological disorder and only has use of one arm. Yet he smiles and laughs, and continues to work. He has made a choice to find happiness in the midst of his adversities. He refuses to be defeated. And I have never heard him speak a harsh word against his parents.

    And I believe your children would be devastated if you took your own life. And in a way, it would give them permission to end their lives. It would plant the thought that suicide is ok. But it is not okay. They need you. You need them. By the sounds of it, you are the only ones who truly understand the disease. You need the support you can provide to each other. I hope you will stay with us.
  10. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry that you've had such a terrible time. I also have a very rare condition that others don't understand. Even my cardiologist has little idea and he's a world expert on this type of condition! It's very frustrating when others don't understand and it's easy to feel isolated as a result.
    You must get help. If you care for your children which is obvious from your posts, then you have to get help. Ring your GP this morning and ask for an appointment as an emergency. When you see them tell them exactly how you are feeling. If you can't leave your children alone then insist on a home visit today. Otherwise ring the Samaritans and tell them that you have children and need help urgently. Their national number is 08457 90 90 90. They have all the contacts to keep you all safe. Right now support is what you and your children need.
    Losing benefits because you are too ill to claim them is wrong. I know that having other agencies involved is terrifying especially when you have children but you owe to your children to get the help that you all need. They can't ask for help. You can. You're used to putting others first that is clear, and I'm afraid that you must put your children first again and ask for help for their sake and yours. Please, please get more support than this forum can give. You sound desperate and at the end of your ability to cope.
    If you want to PM me then I will do my best to help too.
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