As close as I can

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Post deleted by author.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2009
  2. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    Glad you made another day buddy!

    I some times get blank stares and let my mind just run with ideas, emotions, role play etc. As long as the thoughts stay there, and my body is motionless, its all ok. its to filter out the bad consequences.

    Whats bringing you down mate to begin with.?

    Keep in touch !
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Whats wrong? :hug:
  4. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    yes please talk to us.
  5. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I don't know why I started this - having posted my original thoughts and events over the last day, I suddenly felt it was a mistake to do so, which is why I deleted it.

    Basically, the last and final thing in my life is about to be ripped away. Although there is a slim chance it won't, I have been told it probably will. Any chance of a future life will be destroyed and with it the last reason I have to remain here with this forsaken worhtless existance - not that I have much of a reason to start with.

    So apart from my lifelong isolation, my lifelong pain I have to carry with me, the lifelong derision I get in every aspect in my life - I now have this to contend with. Please don't ask for specifics, I am having a hard time just thinking about it, let alone talking.

    I wish I could end it all at this very instant.
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    You said not to be asked specifics so I won't, but don't make a rush decision right now just because it all seems hopeless. A recent loss can make everything seem futile, but give it a few days rest, maybe even a month if it was a big loss. Then look at your life when the feeling of recent loss has passed. I'm sure you'll find something of worth in your life, cling on to that.

    Keep talking and try not to delete your posts, NO ONE's going to judge you for anything here, you can come clean and tell us anything that happened to you, that way we can help you better. Trust us please!
  7. Mathale

    Mathale Well-Known Member

    ah man, it aches not being able to help...

    give it time, type fast or blurt it in an instance the issue.. so we can just pin point something. no one is forcing you though.

    How ever, just keep the thoughts flowing, it will help you just think things over and over again.

    Keep well mate
  8. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    There are times when I want to tell the world everything - just blurt it out. But i have been in a situation where I have done that and suffered greatly as a consequence. Hence I have a harder-than-steel resolve not to. Maybe its right, maybe its wrong - but bitter experiance has taught me to keep the lid on my inner self tightly shut, because if I don't, I will (sooner or later) get hurt and my entire life has been nothing but constant hurt and I don't want to add to my many problems which are pulling me into the Abyssal planes of oblivion, where death can be my only release form that which pains me. Again today, I triggered and came literally an inch from ending all the abject misery which I have had to live with all my life. It was only by momentary luck I was distracted and the worthless space I occupy was not connected to a high voltage conductor I spent two hours staring at.

    Curious thing is, the only emotion I feel since then is one of regret of not doing it.

    But the thing is, there is nothing anyone can say or do which is going to change anything. I've given up on doctors and refuse now to see them. Meds only make me ill and feel worse and councellors like to humiliate me (another story). So there is no help for me, having now crossed the line where I am convinced there is no help and paradoxically, I don't want help.
    My burdens are mine and mine alone, as I cannot share what it is that has ruined me and continues to ruin me, or what threatens to totally destroy me.

    Perhaps I feel the desperate need to get away. Looking for some release from what I have suffered all my adult life, a way out.
    I have been hurt, I am hurting, I will get hurt in the near future....I just want to be free of it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2009
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know words can't fix what you're going through, although I wish they could. I won't ask what's going on because it seems like you'd rather not talk about it; but if you do want to talk and you'd rather not post everything out here, you can drop me a PM. I just hope you hang on.
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