So this is it. Attempt no. 6 and hopefully the final one. Why am i writing this? I haven't the slightest clue. I give up. I'm done with it all. My 15th year on planet Earth and I can't take it anymore. I'm failing school, my future lies in ruins, and my past is warped and twisted; all that remains is my present, and it's a living hell. No.. worse than that. It's indescribable. My father and mother are 100% in favor of my sister; she's 24, unemployed, goes out practically every night and doesn't even come home for a day or three sometimes - no matter! It's all forgiven a short while later! - Me on the other hand, I get picked on for every flaw and constantly reminded on it. They show no pride, no .. anything towards me other than hatred and contempt. I try to please them, I do, but as time goes on there's only so much I can do each day. I help them as best as I can yet if I fail to assist them once I get yelled at for being a bad son. Why? What have I done?! I've no friends. Nobody'll care if I'm gone or not. People tell me that they need help, I help them, and I get shoved off to the side and forgotten. Others get put on a pedestal and they can't do wrong. It's selfish for me to think so, but why can't I get treated like that instead of someone to be used and unappreciated? I used to want to help people and hated the fact that I couldn't help everyone. But now - why do I want to help the human race when I get no help when I truly need it? It's really selfish to think that though and I hate myself for it too. Help should be given without wanting something in return. I clearly want something in return, therefore the help isn't genuine. I don't even know who or what I am. Am I good? Am I evil? I don't know! My one wish is to figure out who I am before I die, if only for the fact that I know. I used to not care what people thought of me, yet their approval is all I crave anymore. I'm trying to lose weight, really (started off at 154-155lb after eating a ton and not exercising (I'm 5' 8") now down to 138.9lb (today) and trying to get it down further in the past 4 months). I'm afraid to walk up straight for fear of... manboobs showing through my tshirt or my stomach sticking out. I've been told I have a big butt - that's so embarrassing! I don't want it! I want to be normal!!! Sure, there isn't such thing as normal.. so in that case, I want to fit in with people and not be an outcast from everyone and everything. All I want to do is die. Only two ways out and the other is just unfathomable due to my circumstances. I'm not strong, I'm weak for giving in! But I haven't any other feasible option! Time is working against me. Every second that ticks by is a second more into the darkness I fall. Every minute is like a blow to the chest. It's unbearable. My dreams are filled with my failed ambitions and goals. I'm tormented daily by my memories which change, along with my perception of self and reality which aren't what they should be. Nothing is real, and I don't even feel real! I don't know what happened to me. I'm not smart, despite what others used to say. People are better than me. There's no point for me to try is there? Who'd want someone worse at a job than the other person? That person would get everything where as I'd get nothing like usual. I'd miss out the awards, prizes.. everything. I can't even remember things I just read anymore. I can't do the work. I just know I can't. I can't beat those who do better than me. Why try? Nobody cares. Help? Doesn't matter I think. I'll be dead soon.