As I look into the abyss, I can't help but smile...

So this is it. Attempt no. 6 and hopefully the final one. Why am i writing this? I haven't the slightest clue.

I give up. I'm done with it all. My 15th year on planet Earth and I can't take it anymore. I'm failing school, my future lies in ruins, and my past is warped and twisted; all that remains is my present, and it's a living hell. No.. worse than that. It's indescribable.

My father and mother are 100% in favor of my sister; she's 24, unemployed, goes out practically every night and doesn't even come home for a day or three sometimes - no matter! It's all forgiven a short while later! - Me on the other hand, I get picked on for every flaw and constantly reminded on it. They show no pride, no .. anything towards me other than hatred and contempt. I try to please them, I do, but as time goes on there's only so much I can do each day. I help them as best as I can yet if I fail to assist them once I get yelled at for being a bad son. Why? What have I done?!

I've no friends. Nobody'll care if I'm gone or not. People tell me that they need help, I help them, and I get shoved off to the side and forgotten. Others get put on a pedestal and they can't do wrong. It's selfish for me to think so, but why can't I get treated like that instead of someone to be used and unappreciated? I used to want to help people and hated the fact that I couldn't help everyone. But now - why do I want to help the human race when I get no help when I truly need it? It's really selfish to think that though and I hate myself for it too. Help should be given without wanting something in return. I clearly want something in return, therefore the help isn't genuine.

I don't even know who or what I am. Am I good? Am I evil? I don't know! My one wish is to figure out who I am before I die, if only for the fact that I know. I used to not care what people thought of me, yet their approval is all I crave anymore. I'm trying to lose weight, really (started off at 154-155lb after eating a ton and not exercising (I'm 5' 8") now down to 138.9lb (today) and trying to get it down further in the past 4 months). I'm afraid to walk up straight for fear of... manboobs showing through my tshirt or my stomach sticking out. I've been told I have a big butt - that's so embarrassing! I don't want it! I want to be normal!!! Sure, there isn't such thing as normal.. so in that case, I want to fit in with people and not be an outcast from everyone and everything.

All I want to do is die. Only two ways out and the other is just unfathomable due to my circumstances.

I'm not strong, I'm weak for giving in! But I haven't any other feasible option! Time is working against me. Every second that ticks by is a second more into the darkness I fall. Every minute is like a blow to the chest. It's unbearable. My dreams are filled with my failed ambitions and goals. I'm tormented daily by my memories which change, along with my perception of self and reality which aren't what they should be. Nothing is real, and I don't even feel real!

I don't know what happened to me. I'm not smart, despite what others used to say. People are better than me. There's no point for me to try is there? Who'd want someone worse at a job than the other person? That person would get everything where as I'd get nothing like usual. I'd miss out the awards, prizes.. everything. I can't even remember things I just read anymore. I can't do the work. I just know I can't. I can't beat those who do better than me. Why try? Nobody cares.

Help?

Doesn't matter I think.

I'll be dead soon.

 

Oh God 15! how I hated being 15!
Felt like the world and its wife was on my back about something or another.
I know you probably won't believe me, at 15 I never believed any adult, but it really does get easier.
Failing school, ok so you re-do the exams, no biggie.....yeah I know it feels like a biggie but you have all the time in the world to get that sorted.
Parents showing no pride in you...ok been there too...how about making yourself proud?
I went to uni for me, that degree was for me and yeah it made me DAMN proud especially as I'd had a teacher who told me hell would freeze over before I ever grasped the topic :dry:
Well done on the weight front, add some exercise and make sure you eat healthily and lose the weight at a sensible rate, last thing you want is hanging skin cos you lost the weight too rapidly.

15 is very young to be trying to work out who you are, it's taken me years, so give yourself the time.
And if you need an ear, even if its only to say something went well (mega important to share sucesses) send me a pm. :hug:

 

Wow you sound a lot like me. It was kind of weird reading your post, it felt like I wrote it.

Anyway, you need to stop looking into the abyss. I find the more that we look into it the harder it is to climb out of it. Yes it is safer to look there, you only see darkness. You cannot see light or shadows. You can see what is coming the whole way down. However, if you look up at the sky you can see a brighter future. Sounds cheesy but it is true.

I can completely relate to being over shadowed by a sister. My dad pumped and dumped my mom. Sadly he pumped me and my sister into her. Then came back 5 years later and pumped another sister into her. Both my sisters were given several liberties I was never allowed. All because they got good grades. All my grades evened out too passing. My mom never realized that when I do not do half the assignments and am still passing that is WAY better than bringing home As all the time. My sisters were like your sister... :sweat: I am the oldest so... it is hard to compare really. However, I know both my sisters were out partying at age 12. I highly doubt either was a virgin at age 15. They drank, did drugs the whole 9 years. They were given a pass. Because they had a more promising future. You know with their perfect GPAs and their $10,000 a year soccer programs.

Depression will affect everything friend. I bet if you forced yourself to do your homework you would do a lot better. People always told me I was smart and I never believed them. To be honest I had several teachers who hated me because I passed their classes while sleeping through them.

Congrats on the weight loss friend. Seriously, that is a lot of weight. You may have a little extra weight but you do not have moobies. Keep up the good work. I am on a weight loss regiment too. I can advise you if you would like. I have been with a fitness professional for the better part of a year.

Life is hard in high school. Trust me I know, I have been there. However, even if you are depressed now and in the future. Let me say that being an adult is WAY better than being a teen. Right now you are a slave to your parents. However, once you are an adult and have a job. You are free from them. Use the desire to escape them as motivation to succeed in life.

I hope you will be ok. Please do not give up not just yet.

 

I had three friends commit suicide in high school in four years. I did not feel then (like them) as I do now, but the one thing that has always stuck with me is the knowledge that if they were given the chance to do it all over again, I know they would choose differently (now/today). I guess what I'm trying to say to you, as I would say to them if I could find a time machine, is that almost no thing will stay the same. And that you've got your whole life ahead of you. I should know, for if my future happiness & success were determined at 15, I'd be one grateful soul.