As I walked through my small town

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by mpk, Mar 31, 2016.

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  1. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I went for a walk this morning in the cold drizzle. As I walked through the town I cried wanting the pain to stop. Will it ever or am I doomed to feel this way for ever.
    I looked at the cars driving by wondering who else was feeling the way I do. It is hard to tell in the world who is in pain and who is not unless you really look close.
    Stopped for coffee at a Burger King and cried while sitting in the booth. People saw me yet said nothing, the world is cruel.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, I know your pain and how you feel. When we get out of this pain we won't ever forget the feeling or the aloneness we felt. People don't know what to do or don't want to get involved. It's easier to walk on by than have the courage to ask if there's anything they can do. It's been raining here all night too and continues today. I find it easier to deal with than sunshine when I feel like this. I wish I could cry, I've tried but the tears won't come, I've always blocked this emotion and I'm sorry i did cause it might offer some relief. I care about you my friend you're a good person, sending positive thoughts and prayers for peace and healing.
    Brian
     
  3. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you Brian for your words. Today was the first time I have been out of the house in about a week and half. I need to try to do it everyday yet is so darn tough. Looked for work today on internet and that is just depressing also. Not much hope right now.
     
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I understand about leaving the house, I struggle to get out the door too. The lack of motivation overwhelms me and when I'm out its so hard to be around people. I see them laughing and going about their daily business and I feel envy. Being normal like that has become a distant memory, how much I took for granted the simple things in life. It would be nice to just walk my dog in the park without feeling fear and apprehension about the future, seems like a lifetime ago. Everyone says we will heal, given time, I have to hang on to that belief although it's very difficult to fight the feelings.
    We both have to get through this "Dark night of the Soul" I know one thing, we will never be the same after we do, it's totally changed my outlook on life.
     
  5. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. I am so worried about whether I will get out of this or not that it has sapped my strength. The town I live is small and compact yet feels large and empty. Each time I have gone through this I feel I have lost so much that I won't survive the next round, not good.
     
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  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Yes I lose hope many times a day, the older I get the greater the toll these events seem to take and the darker they seem to become. You've been through some MAJOR life changes recently, retiring from a long term job, this has a major effect on us, I felt lost for months after I retired 2yrs back. I liked my job mainly because I had many friends there and had a sense of purpose and belonging. I had to accept that everything was going to be different and that's the hardest thing, especially after 20yrs with the same job and friends. I kept myself busy looking after my Mom, when she passed away everything seemed to crumble around me. I'm in a small town too and it looks bleak and empty,but I know it's my perception of it at this time. Try and hang onto hope that you will recover given time, it's not easy, it's the feeling of "aloneness" that's the worst.
     
  7. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I was with my last employer for 18 years. Not one of people there that I consider to be friends have even tried to contact me. I spent more time there that I did at home. I also feel that I have no purpose or belonging. I now wake up more lost than I was before and just wander aimlessly through the day. It is hard and not fun at all. I don't even have anyone to care for or talk to here. My good friend makes funny jokes about my feelings and I have begun to shut him out as well. I tried to tell him that it was not funny and he just kind of laughs it off.
    I remember when he was going through some legal issues for several years and I tried to keep his spirit up, funny how that goes yet when you feel down people tend to ignore it.
     
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I can relate to work, the saying "you can never go back" seems to be true. About 2mnths after I retired I dropped into work to see everyone. Nobody seemed to have time for me, maybe they were busy, maybe it was just my wrong impression. I just felt I didn't belong there anymore. I've never gone back since. The world seems to continue without us, we're replaced very quickly and out of sight, out of mind. It hurts that all those years can be forgotten so quickly. I guess I always took friendship and caring more seriously.
    Personally I seemed to be the go to guy when people had problems. I've listened and comforted countless friends and even strangers who were going through difficult times. I've noticed it doesn't always work in reverse, once people are fixed and feeling better, they tend to have short memories. As for your friend, unless he's been where we are, he probably doesn't have a clue what we deal with. But to make jokes and laugh it off is out of line. If it's important to you then it should be important to a friend. He could've looked it up on the Internet to get some understanding. You do feel betrayed and slighted when you encounter this.
     
  9. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I have not been back to work since I left 10 weeks ago. I have anxiety attacks just driving by it when I have to. As far as my friend I have known him for over 25 years and we have hung out a lot over the years. I lost other childhood friends over the years and have tried to reconnect with them yet never even get a courtesy call back. I
    Man is not solitary person, it is tough to go through it alone. I am glad for my dog at least she still loves me.
     
  10. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Yes it is tough to go through this alone. I thank God for my dog, she's gotten me through some dark nights and empty days. I actually prefer to be around animals than people, I find them more predictable and without alterior motives or malice. Im glad you have your dog for comfort.
     
  11. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    She is a wonderful dog. She is getting on in her years now but hopefully we a few more together.
     
  12. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm sure you both will. They're a great comfort and the best friend you can have :)
     
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Here we are not cruel, if i had seen you i would have at least given you a hug. I think you're such a lovely person and deserve to be treated as such. I was in group therapy today and one girl walked out crying, one of the therapist went to make sure she was ok. I think the best you can do is surround yourself with caring individuals and people who will not see you suffer without questioning if you're ok ((big hugs) keep talking to us, you are valued here :)
     
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  14. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your words. At this time the only caring individuals I have in my life are those here.
     
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  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's sad but I feel the same way too. I feel like SF is my family, always there when I need them 24/7, better than family. I hope you are doing relatively better now than earlier *hugs*
     
  16. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I am okay I guess. Still down and I know it is a process. Worried about tomorrow even though it has not come. The walk did me good yet not enough to stop the thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just keep on walking until the end, kind of like in Forrest Gump when he ran cross country.
     
  17. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you had such a bad day. And I'm sorry no one seemed to bother about you crying... sadly people often don't know how to react to people showing emotion... sadly. I don't know if it's any comfort at all, but I once risked my job at a burger joint by offering a crying woman a free cup of coffee and heard her out... Not the entire world is cold I suppose.

    Be kind to yourself though... try to do things you enjoy, no matter how silly and perhaps even selfish they may seem (as long as it's safe of course).
     
  18. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you phantomlady. It just has been a rough 3 months and no sign of it getting better.
     
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Try and fit in more exercise, keep yourself occupied so you don't have time to get worked up so easily. You certainly do not deserve to feel this way. Please keep talking to us, you will get better eventually :)
     
  20. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you I am going to try and walk 30 minutes a day to see if that helps.
     
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