I'm 25. Male. I enjoy long walks on the beach and such and so forth. I've been suicidal for about 15 years. Countless times sitting with a knife to my arm or neck, and, now that I'm older and have the funds, sitting with my revolver to my head. I can never work up the nerve. I've only had one classified "attempt." Hospitalized overnight. My at-the-time fiance had just asked me if we could take a relationship break long enough so that she could go have sex with a guy she had met on the internet. I grabbed her pistol, racked the slide and put it up to my head. The only, only thing that stopped me was the worry that the last moment of my life may stretch to infinity in my experience; if this was the case, I would be spending eternity looking at my dirty room, lying on my dirty bed, and not outside enjoying the grass. I've been pretty bad before, but ever since this I'm having a difficult time holding things together. Daily migraines may be a sign that my brain aneurysm isn't fully repaired, but I no longer have insurance and so cannot get it repaired unless the worst happens. I'm having panic attacks, something I've really not had before this past year. I lost my job due to migraines and insomnia keeping me from getting to work or forcing me to leave work early. I'm flat broke and will likely be sued soon. I feel without purpose since my fiance and I ended our relationship. I didn't have much purpose before, but now I feel left with nothing. She's had two relationships since me, and I haven't even kissed another girl. Not for lack of trying, mind you; I just can't connect with people. I can't find anyone that meets my standards. At this point I really don't feel like I would make a good companion for anyone, myself included. I sit here with my revolver, my daily companion for the past two years, and wonder if it isn't time to be done with it.