As it is

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UnoriginalContent, Mar 27, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. UnoriginalContent

    UnoriginalContent New Member

    I'm 25. Male. I enjoy long walks on the beach and such and so forth. I've been suicidal for about 15 years. Countless times sitting with a knife to my arm or neck, and, now that I'm older and have the funds, sitting with my revolver to my head. I can never work up the nerve.

    I've only had one classified "attempt." Hospitalized overnight. My at-the-time fiance had just asked me if we could take a relationship break long enough so that she could go have sex with a guy she had met on the internet. I grabbed her pistol, racked the slide and put it up to my head. The only, only thing that stopped me was the worry that the last moment of my life may stretch to infinity in my experience; if this was the case, I would be spending eternity looking at my dirty room, lying on my dirty bed, and not outside enjoying the grass.

    I've been pretty bad before, but ever since this I'm having a difficult time holding things together. Daily migraines may be a sign that my brain aneurysm isn't fully repaired, but I no longer have insurance and so cannot get it repaired unless the worst happens. I'm having panic attacks, something I've really not had before this past year. I lost my job due to migraines and insomnia keeping me from getting to work or forcing me to leave work early. I'm flat broke and will likely be sued soon.

    I feel without purpose since my fiance and I ended our relationship. I didn't have much purpose before, but now I feel left with nothing. She's had two relationships since me, and I haven't even kissed another girl. Not for lack of trying, mind you; I just can't connect with people. I can't find anyone that meets my standards.

    At this point I really don't feel like I would make a good companion for anyone, myself included.

    I sit here with my revolver, my daily companion for the past two years, and wonder if it isn't time to be done with it.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I used to do the same thing.. Then one day my brother was here and I gave my gun to him because I was finding it to easy to just pull the trigger..Now he won't let me have it back..The only thing stopping me is my grandaughter..She wouldn't be able to handle it..My brother in law died last year from cancer.. She went up for the viewing and we couldn't get her to stop crying.. Then when it was time for me to leave she held on to my neck tight.. They had to pry her off of me.. So look around and figure just who you would hurt if you went thru with it..I'm sure you don't want to cause that kind of greif.. Get rid of the gun!!!
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i hear ya when you've spoken here. grief is a tough one but it can be worked through. it sounds to me like you've said you have standards as far as what you would like to have in a woman. this is a good thing. it sounds like it may be time to accept that given the standards it probably will take some time to find a good or even the right one, and then just try to work with it or be ok with it.

    i know for myself i really don't ever plan on dating ever again however if there ever were a guy interested i have incredible standards that probably couldn't be met. so i have accepted that i will probably not find the right one for me, and you know what i am totally ok with this. i'm happy just being me. in fact i really like the freedom.

    i find that when i learn to be content with things just the way they are ie like being single....that good things tend to be right around the corner. i'm not sure why it works like this but i've seen it pretty consistantly happen. maybe it might not be like this all the time, but it sure does happen a heck of a lot. i have witnessed it personally.

    i would like to strongly encourage you to get rid of the gun. nothing good can come from it. so i would encourage to rid yourself of this temptation. i know we would like to see you hang around and continue to share with us. we would like to help the best we can too. i don't know if this means much but it's out there for what it's worth to ya. please take care and please continue to share. we'll listen.
  4. Broken_path

    Broken_path Member

    Can I ask about the anueyrsm, did you have it coiled with the platinum wires? I am thinking about doing that for mine.
  5. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    UnoriginalContent, I feel your pain. I hope you will think about the premises that you have taken for granted are true. You cannot guarantee that someone will be with you forever, nor can you trust job security, or anything else you are depending on for self-worth. I realize that the hurt you are feeling is excruciating but this is a feeling, not a fact. Your thoughts are leaning toward your assumptions about life. You are holding onto the lies that you have consistently told yourself from day one. The truth is, by accepting so many false ideas, you can't even entertain the possibility that your thoughts might not be real because if you did, then you would have to change your way of thinking. I hope you stick around before doing something rash. What a senseless way to leave this world knowing how truly special you are.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    The same thing happened to me I was crushed by my relationship ending! Would you advise me to kill myself over it though? Please don't do it, there is a 6.6 billion population in this world - she's one.

    There are so many people out there who are better than her from what you have told me. Please PM me to talk I have a vendetta against heartbreak after what he did to me...

    I'm here.
  7. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i say ditto totally especially with peacegirl. that really nails it on the head or so i think. even what i have to share i couldn't of said it any better myself. i hope you hear what's being shared with you i sincerely do. take care
  8. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    I haven't been back here in awhile.. But now that my life is a pile of shit.
    Can sympathize with you. Have a large gun collection and will have a few beers and play with my SIG 9mm. Shot myself once before and it sucks.
    Hurts like heck if you don't do it right.
    Told the state police that it was an "accident" and they bought it.
    That's why I can still own them. Some suicidal people are great lairs,,, I am one of them.
    Can lie about every thing except for the loneliness, emptiness, and blackness that is my life.
    You are still pretty young. Don't do anything really stupid. There will be other women. Try to be open to loving someone again even if you know it will hurt.
    If you can find someone to love you, love her back.. Hold her tight and never let go.
    I let my love slip away in my "loneliness, emptiness, and blackness"
    Take care
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.