As promised...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rand, Dec 20, 2007.

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  1. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    Hello all

    OK, this isn't a call for attention or a plea of any sort. I've promised a friend that i'd try for help before i decided to do anything. Bottom line is that i've chosen to end my life. While i haven't directly said anything to my friend, my words and actions have convinced her that she can't help and i've promised to do something like this.

    I'm 26, male, living alone.

    The simple fact is, i can't fight anymore. I've thrown in the towel and given up. For over 5 years now i've pushed through depression, loneliness and absolute frustration. I've made attempts before but these were more cries for help.

    What i've got planned is more 'calculated' i guess. This time i've researched, picked a day, ordered materials, made calculations, even have a time of how long the whole procedure will take. To be honest, i'm not even scared.

    This isn't cutting, or drug overdose, or a quick fix to escape all this. I've done all these and they dont work.

    I've also tried making life better. That doesn't work either. I've made life changes over the past 5 years, made so many new friends, done so many things, but nothing seems to lift this loneliness thats killing me.

    Family have either died or lost contact. Friends lose interest. I've been betrayed by friends and lovers alike, i cant trust people anymore. Even in the most crowded room, surrounded by people i know and laugh with, i still feel so alone. Its a riddle i've never been able to answer.

    The worst is... I dont want to hope, i dont want to believe, i dont think anything good will ever happen, i dont think i'm worth the effort, i dont even see a future beyond the next minute. Its horrible.

    Thats basically it i guess. I'm going to end it here. I will check up till i decide enough is enough, as i promised my friend. I couldn't leave without fulfilling that.

    If you've read this, thanks. You're a patient person.
     
  2. Hello rand, my name is chelsea. I'm new here but i came across your post, and i instantly could relate apart of me to how u feel, i also feel like my time is coming to an end, but each time something gets in my way or stops me acting it out. I'm not really good at giving the advice out, but i'm trying my best.

    If u are still here, that should be taken as a sign that u belong, and u should not make the decision to end it all. Instead of waiting for that certain day to appear, u should be proud that u have overcome another day. i know that it seems stupid, because if somebody started sayin that to me i would also be like pffft yeah right. but its a starting point isn't it? it is another wall climbed, maybe the walls will start getting smaller and not so hard to get over.

    Im sorry if this hasnt helped u, but if u ever feel like talking, not about problems but life in general and forgetting things for a while then i am here for u. and i care, what u have said has touched a part of me. So if u ever feel like a chat, feel free and i will be here:smile: xxxxx
     
  3. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    i feel the same way but if you have promised a friend you will get help, there is some hope there.

    she may be convinced that she can't help (or do you just think she feels this way?) but she must care about you and wants you to get help.

    even if you feel alone, there is people who care about you.
     
  4. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    GirlWithBrokenSmile

    I've decided at least ppl who respond should be replied.

    What yu're saying isn't stupid, it really makes sense. The thing is that i dont see each day as a challenge. i dont want a challenge anymore cos all my efforts fail, and lead to greater disappointment. My dilemma lies with the future. I'm just not prepared to keep on living this life under such conditions. Unfortunately those walls just get bigger, whether i do something or not.

    I know i'm throwing your response back at you, i dont mean to. You must be a very kind hearted person to stop by and respond, let alone read the post. I'm not even sure i'm looking for an answer.

    I'm sorry if you can relate to what i had posted, i dont think someone as kind-hearted as yourself should be going through anything like this.
     
  5. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    PerryMason

    Thanks to you also for responding. Again you must be a very kind-hearted person to be doing this.

    For getting help, this is the only thing i could think of. I;ve done councelling and seen psychiatrists. Been on and off medication. Talked to various friends. All of this happened a while ago.

    I'm not sure there's any help left. I'm a complete blank with nowhere to go. I feel as if the only answer i have is to end it. Its the only foreseeable thing.

    My friend tried to help me when i went through this before. She gave up, lost contact. She decided she couldnt know a person that wanted to leave. I hung on because of that. But its now all empty. I know i have many ppl that care for me but somehow it still isnt enough. I still feel alone. it sounds selfish i know. i just dont know any other way.

    And truly i'm sorry if you feel the same way too. What i'm feeling shouldn't fall upon anyone else as far as i see it.
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You and I are so much on the same page right now. I have made 5 attempts and failed at each. I have a plan in place and the date and everything. All I want to say is that I first came here in November. I was actually researching methods when this forum showed up. It has kept me going since then. No, my feelings and thoughts haven't changed. But for a while I didn't feel so alone. That is the only thing I can't get around the loneliness. So maybe try posting some of your feelings and thoughts. The members here are wonderful people with unfortunately so much knowledge about pain. They are guenuine with their caring and support and no one ever judges here. I'm not saying it will change things for you, but at least it may help to erase some of the lonelines if for only a little while. Then again, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and this forum will help you to want to keep going on. In the end it is your choice but atleast consider it as an option.
     
  7. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    ak84

    Thank you for reading and responding. I really didnt expect such response.

    Its a good idea you have. I've always been an "all or nothing" kind of person. It seems i've chosen nothing now. I'm not sure thats a method for me. All i know is that i can't hope anymore. The slightest hope i get for something good or happy to happen, almost always results in disappointment. It just doesnt happen. An each time disappointment returns, it gets bigger and bigger, and has now resulted in this decision.

    I know exactly you're point though. No-one knows the future and so i guess i may never know if i'll actually be happy. All i know right now is that i'm completely dead inside. I used to cry alot, but not now. Its like i've completetly lost that ability.

    I'll admit though, i always aim for big things and not small things. While i dont see the point in it, I'll try up till when i've designated to go. I've promised my friend that. So i'm going to be honest and at least try that.

    And dont apologize for anything, you responded to someone.
     
  8. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    itmahanh

    Thanks for replying.

    What you're saying is true. I really hadn't expected any sort of response. I didnt even look at the site properly before my original post. Just types Suicide and Forum and this came up.

    I'll admit also that i hadn't expected ppl to relate, even though i know i couldn't be the only one going through this. Especially other ppl saying they've set a date. I didnt expect that. I set a date cos i intend to do it then. The date set has the least chance of 'rescue' or any sort of interruption. To me, it seems set in stone that its going to happen.

    Has your (or anyone elses) date passed? I really dont expect to pass mine. I actually see myself getting up on that morning and starting to put everything in place. I even have notes and estimated times.

    It seems i've already considered this place as an option for at least talking about it. As i;ve said i'm not looking for a solution. This was fulfil a promise made to a friend. But i'd be lying if i said i wasn't at least listening. So thank you again for that.

    I want to hear more about ppl's designated dates. For me, i cant see past taht date. Its going to happen. I'm wondering whats happened to other ppl if they went past theirs.
     
  9. Kieran

    Kieran Member

    Listan mate, your life is more worthwhile than you think.
    i've been through some shit in my time, and have tried ending it on numerous occasions. my friend who i'd knocked about with since i was 6 years old was killed in iraq last year. i was helping him put his intesines back into his body as he was dieing from rpg attack.
    the only reason i think i did'nt die when i wanted to, after being involved in this (and other seriously fucked up stuff) is because of the morrigan. i'll not goe into this as i don't want to sound like a preacher but believe me, nobody wants you to do anything daft.
    i came on here the other day and the replys i got were really helpfull.
    if you need a chat, please don't hesitste to pm me.
    cheers
    K.T.
     
  10. Thank u for ur reply!! ur as much kind-hearted as i am!! i feel that the walls just keep getting bigger too, sometimes i feel they are getting smaller but then they suddenly jump back up, its like life is teasing me:sad: i would like to talk to u though as i believe u have worth in this world!! x
     
  11. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry your feeling bad, if you need to talk you can pm me, I feel like the same way a lot, sometimes it just feels better to talk, dont give up, ok?
     
  12. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Dear Rand,

    Im so sorry to hear you are feeling like you are. I dont want you to think me annoying or presumtious by saying it, but i think i understand and can relate to at least a preportion of what your saying.

    I was wondering if you could remember times when you didnt feel like this? what brought out the passion in your heart then? what made you happy? Maybe you could find those things again.

    The date thing is not so much something i can relate to. I have an extreme personality anyway, unhelped by my rapid mood cycling disorder, cyclothymia. One second i can be planning a date, and 10 mins later i can feel much much better. It sounds nice but the crash is sometimes harder, if you know what i mean?

    Please, please try not to give up hope. as others have offered, please PM me anytime. If nothing else your kind-hearted nature and the support you have already given to others on this site should show you that your worth fighting for,

    Katie xx
     
  13. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    GirlWithBrokenSmile, Zoebaby, Diluted Angel

    Thank you for posting.

    You're all saing i should keep talking, i'm not sure really. For my friend that i made the promise to, all i do is push her away. I know that hope is the last thing i want. when i hope, i try, when i try, i fail, when i fail, i get disappointed. And this is the cycle i get stuck in. I'm just not prepared to live my life like that. The disappointment gets bigger and more unbearable. Thats no way to live.

    The last thing i want to do is to draw people into this just so i can push them away. I don't know any of you but still no-one deserves to be pused away when all they're trying to do is help.

    I seem to have an answer for continuing my plans no matter what anyone says.

    Not that i'm ungrateful. Its been maybe 24 hrs since i posted on here and already i think there are some strong, willing and kind people here.

    To think of the things that made me happy, goves me hope that they can happen again. Because of that i deliberately shut them out. The way i see it, its because of this blind hope that i've ended up this way.

    Don't get me wrong. If i only knew a good life was ahead. If i met someone, had a family, got past my issues, just lead a normal life. I dont want to be rich, or have fancy stuff, or have a supermodel as my life partner. Just want to be happy. Contently happy, not just 5 mins happy. If i knew it would happen then i'd stay. And i've fought for it, long and hard, alone and with others. There's a wall around every corner. Just cant fight anymore. I dont see anything to fight for.

    I'm not really comfortable with PMing. Right now i've pushed everyone away. I dont want to draw people into this.
     
  14. akatsume

    akatsume New Member

    Hey rand. Sorry for my english that is far from perfect :unsure: What I'll say might shock you... but I really believe it... Your personnality is so wonderful... I've rarely someone as wonderful as you. Please take time to read this :)

    I have known someone who is a genius... a real genius with a unique and sensible heart... This person, back in the time, was so caring for mankind and human perfection that she never could keep a smile... She was always disappointed by human flaws... In her heart, it was all pink, sweet, real and childish in a positive way... She was helping a lot her likes but barely could ever be smiling... she was sad...

    One day, she was planning suicide... she could not stand anymore this world, could not accept that life is built upon mistakes and human pain... She never told me how, but she found an answer... Now she's one of the biggest shining sun you could meet, she helped me too...

    I recognize this sun in you :) Everytime you speak, I feel pain emerging from your mouth... or fingers :laugh: But, not really pain, it's more like childhood purity... You seem to be seeking joy sooooooo bad... I don't want to tutor you or anything... I just feel like sharing this with you... Life is built upon sadness... this is what makes the good moments so unique... You seem to be anticipating failure as if it was your only possibility... It's normal to fall, just like science or natural evolution, it is through mistake that you will perfect yourself. You must hang on to these good things you have around you, wether it be a poem or a song or even the caring persons around here. If you give up, you definitly won't ever find happiness anymore... If you hang on, keep on trying, you have a chance to find your path to happiness... With such a brilliant mind as you are, you certainly will find it. Might be a tough path but look around here, you see other persons living deep sadness, yet they are still alive. Wanna stay around here for a while? Your friend that asked you to find help, what does she represent to you?


    Keep it up, you're not alone ;) You are a great person and that's why we're here for you ;)
     
  15. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hi dear. I'm called granny by all due to my age. Not to worry dear, I will not start preaching using the 'in my time' or the like.

    I've read your post several times and each time have learned a little more or understood something differently, adding a little at the time. Of course I am slow as when it comes to 'sink in' important things being missed and knowing it i re-read it more than once.

    Should I dare say that should you have truly given up completely you wouldn't have given up a follow up on your friend telling you to get helped?

    Somehow, even if unconciously, something in you desire or out of derision wishes for a little flame to appear somewhere somehow to go on. I know how you feel, I've spent half my life feeling as you do yet should I have given up or succeeded in my past attemps I would have missed many good things, not all as ordeals and pain, suffering and loosing a child is also part of the past, but some good things did come up and do not regret postponing or failing in my attempts.

    I've learned to live with this inner loneliness, making as sad as it might sound a friend of it. I've also learned to cope for the better with it so not to feel down all the time either i am alone or in compagny. It is not a way you wish to live and can accept and understand this. None of us reacts the same way with similar objectives or outcomes or else. Each is unique. What I would like you to consider is this though.

    Who has been your best friend or could, should be your best friend if not yourself in acceptance of all its components? This loneliness that assails you either alone or in compagny is part of you longing for something, someone....somehting external to your being yet you fail in one thing and it is here that aliments your sufferance. Should you be or learn to be your own best friend, giving yourself what you'd be willing and glad to give a real outter friend then all would cme natural and reflect upon others getting and attracting them towards you.

    True enough dear, not all aare good people. There are bad people as well.
    One thing I have learned in a rather young age is that what we are attracts more than likely our similars. Positive people usually attract positive people etc... Part of your problem is your attitude. How you percieve things and people.

    Ran, I've tried it all in my life. From positive, negative, kind or awful ways to console myself from loneliness and frustration was just getting worse and worse no matter how hard I tried and tried. It seemed that the harder I was trying the worse I felt and was sinking deeper. One day despair for despair, an article read I gave a try on what it said.... to become my own best friend. over time i did and this is when I stopped looking for a way out of my misery as it is merely misery from which we wish to get out of... by ending it all..... but if misery can be lifted, if a close friend, a positivity inhabits our daily routine then our vision of everything changes for the better (not the best but much better than without).

    The emptyness fell is not an outside factor but inner dear Ran. What changes you also tried to bring in your life couldn't possibly change what you live and feel inside your own self... as what you miss is inside you, an empty inner part and unless you accept to work and feel this you will feel the weight of this loneliness and frustration which frustration comes from the non realization of where it comes from, where the problem begins.. inside you.

    I hope to make sense and to have bring you to reflect upon these factors and that you will give it further thoughts.

    Sorry if i ramble about, lets be honest, my mind is not clear as it used to be but still wish to be there for others, in the little I am still able to.

    I wish you to find the answers you so desperately need to find happiness in this life and with yourself.

    Know that you are not alone feeling this way. For my part, loneliness is no longer a number one ennemy even though other factors are affecting my being and life to the point to have looked for help and ending up here on SF.

    I've met a lot of good and worthy people wish you to do the same.

    i wish you all the best dear Ran. Your words and kindness towards everyone makes you honour. You are a senstive thoughtful young man and glad to have read you and known you. You've enriched me already just by being here.

    Be well and stay safe dear.

    Granny xx :hug:
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2007
  16. bluewail

    bluewail Well-Known Member

    rand, i like you! its like you've put down everything i'm feeling but done it so much more comprehensively than i could. i think that's why there's been a lot of responses, because you make sense. so yeah, just wanted to say, i'm totally with you. and i hope that whatever happens, you find what you need. is it ok to ask what you're planning and when your 'date' is?
     
  17. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    akatsume

    your friend who found an answer, sounds like thats the unanswered riddle. while i'm not looking for an answer, it does sound as if your friend had an 'epiphany'. been a while since i had one of those. i dare say if i did find something like that, i might not go ahead as planned.

    i nver thought it was normal to fail, never used to be like this. but all efforts, where hope comes from, keep failing. it seems a matter of tolerance, where i canoot tolerate any resulting failure from any attempt, whether intentional or not.

    my friend always sees a silver lining. she trues for me, as she does everyone else. but i make her feel useless. all her efforts are in complete vain, as nothing she says or does has changed my mind.

    perhaps i'll come across the same epiphany your friend did. i'm not going to hope though, if i did i'd be making the same mistakes.

    all the same i'm taken by your words. open minded as i am, i'm not going to sit here and say that nothing will change my mind. something obviously changed your friends mind. maybe the same will happen to me. i know that could be possible. just not sure how long i'll tolerate to wait on such a thing.
     
  18. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    granny

    firstly, if i have offended, i didnt mean to. i pick up 'granny' from the other posts and just stuck with it really.

    thank you for your post, you've put a fair amount of effort into it.

    regarding my friend, i could still have left this life without fulfilling that promise. but she's been such a close friend for years. to not fulfil what promise i made her would be so unthought of.

    I'm afaid i've let go of any chance of such a flame, as you said, to keep me here. i call that 'the annoying string' as i see it as some unknown force holding me back from just trying something impulsive to let me fall for good.

    but you have managed to word something i havent. you've explained about living with ones inner rather than ones outer. i does make sense. i understand your point. the hard thing is that i cannot live with my inner self. i detest being left alone with my own thoughts.

    i also understand that i must change my inner mechanics as to make it more 'bearable' to be on my own. oh how i have tried. again i feel that there's no answer to that either.

    oddly enough, i know where i must be. i know what i should be and how i should be thinging. i've created images in my head of what my 'self' should be. nothing fancy or out of reach. just enough to lead a normal life.

    i understood this concept years before i fell into this depression. this 'self' changed over those years. bringing the image down and down the more i failed and got more disappointed. each time i felt my 'self' was set too high.

    all i wanted at the first was to be happy, in a heathly realtionship, and be able to stand on my own 2 feet as well as able to support those important to me should i ever have to.

    but i;ve had to contantly reduce this 'ideal self image'. more and more it seems an unreachable goal, despite any efforts.

    my self image now? unfortunately it is dead. and thats where i see myself. i just cant see beyond what i've planned. if i dont go ahead with what has been planned, then what? the thought of being in such a lost state is frightening.

    i've always known that, in order to dig myself out, it would be an ardenous and difficult task. one that would take great time. i feel that such efforts are completely futile now. perhaps i'll come across this 'epiphany' as described in my last post.

    i'm not hoping for anything at all but i'm still open minded enough to accept that everything can change suddenly. but i just cant see that.
     
  19. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    bluewall

    i seem to find a small amount in comfort too in reading what other ppl say, especially when you see it in words and not just in your head.

    i'm glad to have helped in that way.

    with what i'm planning and when, i dont really want to disclose. if i were 'rescued', i would be rendered in a terrible state and a 'normal' life wouldn't be possible. i've chosen to combine 3 methods on a day least likely of rescue or interruptions.

    i daren't say anymore in case said friend were to ever read this.

    thank you for your kind comments
     
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