as soon as it gets better, it gets worse.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nirivia, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Nirivia

    Nirivia New Member

    :poo: is the story of my summer so far. Thank you for who ever takes the time to read this cause i've never spilled it all out before. i dont even know where to begin. After i left Highschool I wanted to be a firefighter, so i went and did the college course... lived the dream for a year. Came back to my home town afterwords. I smoke alot of pot, have been since I came back from College. I joined the volunteer dept near my house to get some experience. After 7 months I was asked to take a leave of absence, basically fired. I wasn't there enough in the end, and I knew it was my fault for being too busy smoking up. The volunteer thing was my ticket to getting a chance at becoming a real ff, and it was a huge blow. That night when i found out I decided to smoke alot of pot to feel better, my mom walked in on me( we have a piss poor relationship ) and I was kicked out of the house for good. At the same time over that 7 months I had a gf, we broke up, then we tried to get back together. I was trying so hard to make it work, and when i realized It wasn't I was crushed. I quit my job, because of issues with a co-worker, and took a lesser paying job. and moved into town. I was dealing with panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts, I started to see a counsellor. Things were looking up, i bought a car, I met a new girl at work, (who is amazing) I am a romantic at heart. I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Today I found out I have genital warts, a strain of HPV. I told this new girl ( and my ex ). She took it well, but i'm not. she made me feel better at first, and said she's not going away, but she loves sex. And now I can't give it too her. On top of that she is highly prone to cervical cancer which HPV causes. After doing research and seeing my doctor, i found out there is no cure.... I finally meet a amazing person, and I know i'm going to loose her because of this... the sex will never be what she wants it to be because we'll both be too worried about my condition. She deserves to be with someone who she can be comfortable with, so I think im going to break it off before we get started. Now I feel like my luck has run out, and I think about ways of ending my life. My sex life is over, the possible girl of my dreams gone because of it. everything is just crumbling around me. I still find ways to be light hearted about things, but as soon as i'm alone and not with other people I get lost in my thoughts, i can't sleep or, focus. I just want it to stop and i cant think of any other way.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you should let your gf decide what is best for her okay that is not your chose If she loves you and wants to work out a way to stay then let it be.
    There are ways to have sex safely hun without transmitting talk to your doctor okay Don't push someone away who loves you that is not right she deserves to have the option of what she wants hugs I do hope you can get off the pot as well that will only cause you more depression in the long run
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF, Nirivia! :welcome:

    Sorry that firefighter aspiration didn't work out for you! Anyhow, thanks for the meaningful introduction; I enjoyed reading about you! Good luck with everything... and I hope the link Terry provided you can help you feel better about your sex life and your chances with your new girlfriend.

    All the best,

    Alex
     
  5. Nirivia

    Nirivia New Member

    I'm feeling alot better today. I told the girl ( she's not my gf .. yet) and she was nothing but understanding and said she wasn't going anywhere... then I told her about the suicide thing. Once again she said she wasn't going anywhere. Thanks everyone for giving me feedback.. It really does mean alot. and does help.
     
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