I have been thinking as always, about many things. I was wondering if I will not make it to 30. It's strange though, I am not really sad or depressed right now as I am writing this. Just that, my heart is swirling with all kinds of emotions. I am a little cheerful, a little angry, a little sad, a little sarcastic in my words, and I guess a lot more than that. I look around me all the time and I contemplate on my fate so often just to convince myself tomorrow will be a better day. I can't tell if I am just lying to myself or am I truly being positive about tomorrow even though I can clearly see that everything is so wrong now. It is not death that scares me most actually, is the thought of how tormenting was yesterday and how tomorrow is so uninviting. I guess death is like a ride out of this cycle I am revolving in but to actually take the easy way out of it instead of trying to fight on isn't the way or whatever people call it. I tell myself each and everyday; take it one at a time, one moment then another, and let it be a beginning of a new beginning everyday and when tomorrow comes, let everything start once again. Well, I can't be sure myself if that is a foolish denial of my despondency or a way to convince myself that I should take it as it is but to look at it as a start of a new life every time the harshness seems too much to bear. I wonder how much does one encouraging sentence like that is worth and most importantly how long can it inspire someone to find the strength to endure it for another day? I mean, can pain be measured by the moments we have in our lives? Can we calculate how much of joy is needed to suppress one moment of sorrow? If only feelings can be measured, then would it be easier to find out what true happiness is? I know everyone has their own definition of true happiness but if we are able to measure the amount of pain and joy we have in ourselves, could it be easier to find out what we truly needed to make ourselves contented and feeling blessed? I know thats a stupid question because we can't use geometry, calculus or trigonometry for such unrealistic matter can we? I like to imagine myself in many 'unrealistic' situations where there is no reason to even think about suffering at all. One of it is; I am sitting in a blissful garden listening to no other sounds but a crystal clear fountain and songs of the blue birds. I am breathing through the scent of flowers. My tired feet moving softly on emerald green grass or the sights of pearly clouds in baby blue skies that refreshes the sweet memories of childhood. And if I can sleep on the flowerbed and gaze at the wishing stars, counting each of them till I drift into a celestial dream and rise to the cheery shine of a golden morning sun. Pathetic? Call it whatever you want. I am not a realistic person and so I guess its easy to feel unbelonging when I am too much into my own foolish notions and the tendency to romanticize on the simple pleasures of life. Simple pleasures? Like what? Laughing at myself for something funny I did in the past or laugh just because I feel like it? Maybe I should just sing some childish nursery rhymes to myself and reminisce about those days? But does it matter when my childhood is something I refuse to accept? If only I could do something to change that, I guess I will always have something to laugh about. Well, I guess I only have bleak memories to torment me anyhow. When I was small, I often think; I can't wait to grow up and get a beautiful wife and live happily ever after like Snow White and her savior prince, even sleeping beauty's tale should be alright. Or at least, something like Rapunzel or Cinderalla's tale would do just fine. Wow...perhaps thats one reason I can never really grow up. Now, being an adult, I wish I can remain a teenager forever, preferably 17 eternally. If only my life can begin all over again, there is no hesitating, I will take a chance and see if my life can be as beautiful as a fairy tale itself..