I'm very tired. I feel so physically sick, fevers, constsantly drunk feeling, fatigued, muscle pain, a whole lot more but not bothered to write it. Just want it all to be over. I'm so sad and frustrated because I'm a smart, handsome, funny, genuinely caring, talented, all these things ... I easily recognize that and have an awesome life aside from every increasing physical symptoms (some of which is reflected in my blood work). I've been in a constant state of research for two years. Depression, immune dysfunction such as autoimmune conditions, heart disease, different cancers, all have very similar roots, and they lay in the GI tract. That 90% of our genetic markers that happen to be bacterial residents of our bodies have a lot to do with our health and out mental state. Train of thought isn't so good so I'll leave the poetic literal guiding out, reason I want out is beacuse I'm stranded in the desert with a glossy photo of a glass of ice water. Can easily reference any number of abstracts, med jounrals, clinical trials that support new idealogies regarding nearly every pathology one can think of (in my case autoimmune like illnesses and mental breakdown) but there are very few if any at all actual therapies tailored to this emerging knowledge. I'm 21 years old and broke, hardly able to work, and none of the very few options I have are cheap or covered by health insurance. Basically I'm a corpse waiting to happen. I'm terrified to see my body deteriorate any more. I'm terrified to leave behind all I've accomplished. I'm terrified to watch the Girl I love see me be terrified. I just want this to be over.