Ascending the Mountain of Regrets

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by SpeedyG, Nov 26, 2011.

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  1. SpeedyG

    SpeedyG Guest

    Dear fellow readers,

    Before you consider reading this, please know that I wish I didn't feel like reaching out for support and putting everything out there in a way as to possible trigger others or bring other's moods down. Please be wary when reading this, as I don't want to bring anyone down. Regrets are what I have trouble dealing with lately. I have regrets. I am so incredibly sensitive right now, or maybe I'm just embarrassed to admit that I am like that always. Please, please let this hurt and regret lift off my chest.

    I have so much hurt resulting from a recent regret that isn't currently threatening my life, and what I'm noticing from this time of reflection is that I'm awfully upset with myself. Why am I so hurt when I am not in imminent danger? No one is standing outside my door, no one is after me. I am safe. For all the mistakes I've made in my short time here and in real life.. It is incomprehensible why I am so fragile like this. It's like I'm trapped and can't get this off out of my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have a conscience, and I also hate to see the hurt from people I care about (regardless of how bad I show my care) being mad when I am partly responsible for not handling a situation properly afterwards. I am responsible for someone's pain. That is such a tough thought to fathom. Makes me want to dig a hole and crawl into it. I don't know whether I will ever forgive myself for these mistakes. I'm really hard on myself, but it's honestly how I think and work. In that way, I am a perfectionist. It is so hard for me to forgive myself for mistakes when I still remember and think what could have been. I am trying to tell myself that this is a learning experience and that I will be better prepared to deal with the aftermath of a controversial decision whenever that time may come. There are so many things I could have done to be better to others and myself. There's no going back, so living in the "now" is hard. I can't help but look back into the past and weigh its consequences and how I could have handled the past better.

    I have been able to avoid conflicts very well in my life because I know the potential hurt of not treating people right or not doing things in a way that is respectable. It's all a learning process. I don't think I could bear to examine more closely how I acted in years past or how I am currently acting. And with my time of reflection because of this break, I am starting to realize the magnitude of regrets that I have from not taking a better approach for this recent situation. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn't I see and react better to this situation? Why didn't I think like I am thinking now in retrospect? Why all this hindsight bias and assumptions? In that way, I owe all the people involved or who became involved as a result of this an apology. I am deeply sorry, sorry beyond words, and it hurts like hell how much I have done wrongly in my time here. Not enough rights to balance out the wrongs. I may be being too tough on myself, but it is truly how I feel. It's the stuff I have to work on, the stuff that I'd rather not have to think about.But during times where confusing, frustrating thoughts are getting to me and blocking my thinking processes from making better, more effective decisions, I get so upset.. like the past few days. I have to think about them. I need to think about them... and learn from them. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn from these mistakes that I seem to make and be better to others as a result of it.

    I have always been incredibly sensitive but I hide my emotions. I tried to run away recently from the hurt I caused or brought upon myself by not handling things in a way that I am satisfied with (both from IRL and from my internet life). That's what happened with my school year too, so my real life is messy as well. I had nowhere to run to. I had a nightmare last night... a banned member suddenly being allowed back into a chat and me being shocked and wanting to run away from this cyber life. My emotions are taking over, and I am reaching out to try to remedy this situation and try to help myself get out of a seemingly helpless situation. And this is the internet, not my real life. It is invading my thoughts. I can't get them out. I hate playing the role of victim, and I don't want to ever play that role. I simply am kicking myself (not literally) for not realizing it sooner that I was going about handling such a delicate situation in the way I dealt with it. Simply unacceptable. I am so upset with myself, I can't put more words into this. Knowing that I am to blame for much of what happened and am at fault, it is like a burden. It brings back memories of when I've made mistakes and have not been able to remedy them. There's no cure here. No late night magic. Only time. Time for me to become more disillusioned about my past thoughts and events/happenings.. in order for the hurt to eventually subside. Right now, I think it is a vicious process. "Sorry" isn't enough to express what I want to say. I think these latest mistakes on the internet are a reflection upon how I live my real life. Almost like my real life has poured onto the internet. And that's tough to swallow. There is nowhere to hide, not on an internet site, not in my real life. I am who I am. Unfortunately or fortunately, I am not happy with who I am. I see only parts of what I can improve, and that is only after I make mistakes that have no "undo" button. Things that I have to live with. I know that many learn to deal with situations better, that it's part of life, but I am already into early adulthood and I feel like a child that doesn't know how to handle life even when it smacks me in the face. I wish you all a good week, and oh my gosh.. to those that I haven't been good enough to or have made mistakes with, regardless of what I thought in the heat of the moment, wherever you are in the world (so many, I can't even try to list them all), I am so sorry for my actions and please forgive me. I blame myself for any part I had in not doing things better, being a better person. I don't want drama. I want to feel better and be a better person. I want you all to feel better. And I wish this post didn't have such a negative tone to it. I feel terrible about this and a lot of things right now. I want to tell myself that there is nothing to embarrassed about, but I feel embarrassed anyway. But I needed to let this out. It was and is dogging me night and day; my pride wants me to not appear needy or reach out so publicly. Yet another frustrating side to me. Please take good care. =[

    Just another fellow who is he who he is,

  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Why does it say n/a for posts ?
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello SpeedyG

    You know we are aren't perfect. I for one am well known for knee jerk reactions that get me in trouble. I am glad you decided to post this. I hope people will read this and understand you more.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself. Life has a wicked learning curve.

    For me my 20s were the worst, I did a lot of things I am not proud of nor can they ever be "fixed".

    But with time the hurt grows less and we learn from our mistakes.

    Being sensitive is a double edged sword. It give us empathy towards others, but we feel hurts greater. It comes down to a balance sometimes I think, in order to keep ourselves ok.

    You aren't the only one with regrets friend.

  4. SpeedyG2

    SpeedyG2 Guest

    Thanks so much, Angie, for your insights. I appreciate you so much. And in response to your question, Mark, guests are usually welcome to post in the Uncertainty Principle forum if it is open to guest posting at the time.

    My second entry in this journal:

    When I Wish for What I Ain't Got No More: The Blessing in Disguise

    Sir, you have no idea how much your introducing me to this forum helps me. I feel so blessed. A true blessing in disguise. No words can adequately describe having another option, another place to reach out for support, such a kind place overall but not nearly as active. A place with traits that I often wish I would see more of on SF. SF is fantastic as it is (I can't run out of nice things to say about it), and it has its own pros and cons, just like all of us people. It's about taste here for me. I love both, for different reasons. And I am just.. thrilled.. to be able to have this break to reflect upon my own mistakes and issues with myself, be relieved of all responsibility, and get to enjoy a fresh place filled with kindness. Reminds me of SF in many ways, in some ways it doesn't. What a balance between the two. I am so blessed. So thank you so, so much for letting me know about this forum. I wish you were there too, but having in common SF is great enough as it is. Sometimes, a smaller group but so extraordinarily kind in chat at nights is such a contrast to what I'm accustomed to. A change of scenery is needed at times. And I will soon now have choices each and every day, to see how patient I am to determine my every move. And again I am pleased beyond comprehension. Because this hurt from my recent mishandling of situations throughout has enveloped me and trapped me in a place that is terrible. I needed this. A bright spot, something to cheer me up, give me hope. And this is it. Absolutely wonderful. This confirms that when I try new things, I can be pleasantly surprised... and in this case absolutely thrilled!!!!! YES! Whoever runs this wonderful site.. bravo! I have hope that other sites like these and SF are out there.

    I've sent a few very long messages to a dear fellow trying to work things out. Blargh, I made so many mistakes handling this afterwards. It didn't have to go this way. I'm at fault for a lot of this. But.. I am trying to make ends meet better. Until I can tell myself that I have done everything, and I mean everything, possible to make things right again, I cannot be active on SF. Because I can't live with the hurt that I am partly responsible for. I simply can't. I will see it, be reminded of it, every single second I'm on there.

    But the sad part is I really don't miss some parts of SF like I feel I should. Why am I not appreciative enough? We're all there for a reason, seeking help or support, but the chat environment here... I still am not healthy enough to handle it well on a daily basis. Everybody there is going through a lot though. That's the way I see it. But I can't complain because they're there for a reason too, just like I am. So no complaints, Speedy sir. And in that way, I am thankful that chat is there and available as an option for members here. Like that old saying which I can't recall word for word, I don't appreciate what I have until I don't have it anymore.. That's the way I feel about some things in my life. I just won't see it until later, unfortunately, when it might be too late. Maybe I need to rub it in and make myself feel the pain of not having internet for a year and see how that feels. Not having what helps meet my needs, that sure would be fun... NOT. Anyhow, much love to you all, and much respect to both SF and all the other forums out there that have this community feel that is homely. My turn to pay homage to these fellow internet sensations. Over & Out..Speedy

    You have now seen the dark side of me. This is how I feel right now:

    "I'll Stand by You" - The Pretenders
  5. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Ah Mr. Speedy, I am not familiar with the specific situation to which you are referring, but from what I gather of your two posts here, this is a lesson we must all learn at one point or another. We are not Atlus. We cannot shoulder the entire weight of the world ourselves. We will make mistakes. We will unintentionally hurt when we intended to help. People will do what they will do regardless of any efforts we may make to change the outcome. That is how it goes.

    hug tackles incoming....

  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi all..

    For some reason it isn't allowing Alex/Speedy to post on this thread at all, and he has asked me to post it for him instead :) He's also asked me to say he hopes he is not abusing guest privileges or anything like that :)

    Journal Entry #3 from Speedy:

    I received this so insightful and friendly letter deep from the heart of another here. Thanks so much to whoever has reached out to me. I am so grateful. I thought I would share this person's wonderful insights. How profound.. and a different take on this.. one that i desperately need. And thank you so much, Mr. Stewart. I agree about how that's just the way it goes.

    Dear Alex,

    In life, we make decisions with very often the best of intentions toward the people we care about. The situations are always more complex than what we can grasp and more importantly, we have a limited control on the outcome, on how people will react and on how our gestures will be interpreted. People are full of surprises. You have to know in your heart that you did what you thought best at the time. That I know for a fact as I do believe you to be a good person. Skills in dealing with people come with experience and conflicts are at some point unavoidable. Do not beat yourself too much hun. And keep in mind, that some people are in a place in their life when they are not capable either of accepting apologies or their share of responsibility. As always, compassion is the best answer, but compassion that also encompass self-respect and healthy boundaries from your part. Over the years, one thing that I had to learn, is that animals which are in a great deal of pain can also react in ways that are dangerous and cautions must be taken when you try to help them. Despite our big brain, we share a great deal with animals when it comes to emotions. I can only think of laughter as being truly unique to our species. At some point we all have to learn the sorting of our garbage, knowing what part of the mess is ours, and what part of the mess is theirs. I do not know the details, and it might be true you did an honest mistake, learn from it. But also know that some people might react with self-righteous anger, with bitterness, and might still be in the wrong. Their feelings is not necessarily an accurate picture of your actions and on where the blame should lie. They are just in that head space where denial is the best self-protection against truths they are not ready to face about themselves. Do not let this get the better of you. Those of us who are prone to more self-doubt, who have a greater capacity for introspection and self-reflection tend to take more on ourselves than is necessary or healthy. On this I salute your courage and hope you are doing okay. You know that I am always available if you need somebody to listen.

    "Creep" - Radiohead (One of Donna's favorite songs too - Woohoo!! Thanks so much, Donna.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2011
  7. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    From: SpeedyG

    And so.. with that.. the last chapter of this unnecessarily public book of guilt, secrets and shame written by a heavily guilty, shameful, normally secretive individual concludes. The past sentence is written with a heartfelt hope that the above posts are forever history, not to be needlessly brought back, and will remain a lifelong lesson to said individual. *Speedy secretly speeds away :lone:, and the party begins! :party:

    "What Hurts the Most" - Rascal Flatts & Kelly Clarkson

    What hurts the most is knowing I have to live with the past forever, and it is what it is. I cannot seem to think positively right now and keep bashing myself, and I really deserve it to be honest after what came out from this situation.

    Happy Birthday, Cordial1! I hate to ask favors like this, but I need to close this chapter. I am excited that it's your birthday, and I hope to see a birthday thread up for you. :party: :bday:

    C you rock, and you would have handled a situation like the above with grace, as I saw a few months ago but unfortunately didn't learn from. Keep being you!

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