S
Dear fellow readers,
Before you consider reading this, please know that I wish I didn't feel like reaching out for support and putting everything out there in a way as to possible trigger others or bring other's moods down. Please be wary when reading this, as I don't want to bring anyone down. Regrets are what I have trouble dealing with lately. I have regrets. I am so incredibly sensitive right now, or maybe I'm just embarrassed to admit that I am like that always. Please, please let this hurt and regret lift off my chest.
I have so much hurt resulting from a recent regret that isn't currently threatening my life, and what I'm noticing from this time of reflection is that I'm awfully upset with myself. Why am I so hurt when I am not in imminent danger? No one is standing outside my door, no one is after me. I am safe. For all the mistakes I've made in my short time here and in real life.. It is incomprehensible why I am so fragile like this. It's like I'm trapped and can't get this off out of my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have a conscience, and I also hate to see the hurt from people I care about (regardless of how bad I show my care) being mad when I am partly responsible for not handling a situation properly afterwards. I am responsible for someone's pain. That is such a tough thought to fathom. Makes me want to dig a hole and crawl into it. I don't know whether I will ever forgive myself for these mistakes. I'm really hard on myself, but it's honestly how I think and work. In that way, I am a perfectionist. It is so hard for me to forgive myself for mistakes when I still remember and think what could have been. I am trying to tell myself that this is a learning experience and that I will be better prepared to deal with the aftermath of a controversial decision whenever that time may come. There are so many things I could have done to be better to others and myself. There's no going back, so living in the "now" is hard. I can't help but look back into the past and weigh its consequences and how I could have handled the past better.
I have been able to avoid conflicts very well in my life because I know the potential hurt of not treating people right or not doing things in a way that is respectable. It's all a learning process. I don't think I could bear to examine more closely how I acted in years past or how I am currently acting. And with my time of reflection because of this break, I am starting to realize the magnitude of regrets that I have from not taking a better approach for this recent situation. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn't I see and react better to this situation? Why didn't I think like I am thinking now in retrospect? Why all this hindsight bias and assumptions? In that way, I owe all the people involved or who became involved as a result of this an apology. I am deeply sorry, sorry beyond words, and it hurts like hell how much I have done wrongly in my time here. Not enough rights to balance out the wrongs. I may be being too tough on myself, but it is truly how I feel. It's the stuff I have to work on, the stuff that I'd rather not have to think about.But during times where confusing, frustrating thoughts are getting to me and blocking my thinking processes from making better, more effective decisions, I get so upset.. like the past few days. I have to think about them. I need to think about them... and learn from them. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn from these mistakes that I seem to make and be better to others as a result of it.
I have always been incredibly sensitive but I hide my emotions. I tried to run away recently from the hurt I caused or brought upon myself by not handling things in a way that I am satisfied with (both from IRL and from my internet life). That's what happened with my school year too, so my real life is messy as well. I had nowhere to run to. I had a nightmare last night... a banned member suddenly being allowed back into a chat and me being shocked and wanting to run away from this cyber life. My emotions are taking over, and I am reaching out to try to remedy this situation and try to help myself get out of a seemingly helpless situation. And this is the internet, not my real life. It is invading my thoughts. I can't get them out. I hate playing the role of victim, and I don't want to ever play that role. I simply am kicking myself (not literally) for not realizing it sooner that I was going about handling such a delicate situation in the way I dealt with it. Simply unacceptable. I am so upset with myself, I can't put more words into this. Knowing that I am to blame for much of what happened and am at fault, it is like a burden. It brings back memories of when I've made mistakes and have not been able to remedy them. There's no cure here. No late night magic. Only time. Time for me to become more disillusioned about my past thoughts and events/happenings.. in order for the hurt to eventually subside. Right now, I think it is a vicious process. "Sorry" isn't enough to express what I want to say. I think these latest mistakes on the internet are a reflection upon how I live my real life. Almost like my real life has poured onto the internet. And that's tough to swallow. There is nowhere to hide, not on an internet site, not in my real life. I am who I am. Unfortunately or fortunately, I am not happy with who I am. I see only parts of what I can improve, and that is only after I make mistakes that have no "undo" button. Things that I have to live with. I know that many learn to deal with situations better, that it's part of life, but I am already into early adulthood and I feel like a child that doesn't know how to handle life even when it smacks me in the face. I wish you all a good week, and oh my gosh.. to those that I haven't been good enough to or have made mistakes with, regardless of what I thought in the heat of the moment, wherever you are in the world (so many, I can't even try to list them all), I am so sorry for my actions and please forgive me. I blame myself for any part I had in not doing things better, being a better person. I don't want drama. I want to feel better and be a better person. I want you all to feel better. And I wish this post didn't have such a negative tone to it. I feel terrible about this and a lot of things right now. I want to tell myself that there is nothing to embarrassed about, but I feel embarrassed anyway. But I needed to let this out. It was and is dogging me night and day; my pride wants me to not appear needy or reach out so publicly. Yet another frustrating side to me. Please take good care. =[
Just another fellow who is he who he is,
Speedy
Before you consider reading this, please know that I wish I didn't feel like reaching out for support and putting everything out there in a way as to possible trigger others or bring other's moods down. Please be wary when reading this, as I don't want to bring anyone down. Regrets are what I have trouble dealing with lately. I have regrets. I am so incredibly sensitive right now, or maybe I'm just embarrassed to admit that I am like that always. Please, please let this hurt and regret lift off my chest.
I have so much hurt resulting from a recent regret that isn't currently threatening my life, and what I'm noticing from this time of reflection is that I'm awfully upset with myself. Why am I so hurt when I am not in imminent danger? No one is standing outside my door, no one is after me. I am safe. For all the mistakes I've made in my short time here and in real life.. It is incomprehensible why I am so fragile like this. It's like I'm trapped and can't get this off out of my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have a conscience, and I also hate to see the hurt from people I care about (regardless of how bad I show my care) being mad when I am partly responsible for not handling a situation properly afterwards. I am responsible for someone's pain. That is such a tough thought to fathom. Makes me want to dig a hole and crawl into it. I don't know whether I will ever forgive myself for these mistakes. I'm really hard on myself, but it's honestly how I think and work. In that way, I am a perfectionist. It is so hard for me to forgive myself for mistakes when I still remember and think what could have been. I am trying to tell myself that this is a learning experience and that I will be better prepared to deal with the aftermath of a controversial decision whenever that time may come. There are so many things I could have done to be better to others and myself. There's no going back, so living in the "now" is hard. I can't help but look back into the past and weigh its consequences and how I could have handled the past better.
I have been able to avoid conflicts very well in my life because I know the potential hurt of not treating people right or not doing things in a way that is respectable. It's all a learning process. I don't think I could bear to examine more closely how I acted in years past or how I am currently acting. And with my time of reflection because of this break, I am starting to realize the magnitude of regrets that I have from not taking a better approach for this recent situation. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn't I see and react better to this situation? Why didn't I think like I am thinking now in retrospect? Why all this hindsight bias and assumptions? In that way, I owe all the people involved or who became involved as a result of this an apology. I am deeply sorry, sorry beyond words, and it hurts like hell how much I have done wrongly in my time here. Not enough rights to balance out the wrongs. I may be being too tough on myself, but it is truly how I feel. It's the stuff I have to work on, the stuff that I'd rather not have to think about.But during times where confusing, frustrating thoughts are getting to me and blocking my thinking processes from making better, more effective decisions, I get so upset.. like the past few days. I have to think about them. I need to think about them... and learn from them. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn from these mistakes that I seem to make and be better to others as a result of it.
I have always been incredibly sensitive but I hide my emotions. I tried to run away recently from the hurt I caused or brought upon myself by not handling things in a way that I am satisfied with (both from IRL and from my internet life). That's what happened with my school year too, so my real life is messy as well. I had nowhere to run to. I had a nightmare last night... a banned member suddenly being allowed back into a chat and me being shocked and wanting to run away from this cyber life. My emotions are taking over, and I am reaching out to try to remedy this situation and try to help myself get out of a seemingly helpless situation. And this is the internet, not my real life. It is invading my thoughts. I can't get them out. I hate playing the role of victim, and I don't want to ever play that role. I simply am kicking myself (not literally) for not realizing it sooner that I was going about handling such a delicate situation in the way I dealt with it. Simply unacceptable. I am so upset with myself, I can't put more words into this. Knowing that I am to blame for much of what happened and am at fault, it is like a burden. It brings back memories of when I've made mistakes and have not been able to remedy them. There's no cure here. No late night magic. Only time. Time for me to become more disillusioned about my past thoughts and events/happenings.. in order for the hurt to eventually subside. Right now, I think it is a vicious process. "Sorry" isn't enough to express what I want to say. I think these latest mistakes on the internet are a reflection upon how I live my real life. Almost like my real life has poured onto the internet. And that's tough to swallow. There is nowhere to hide, not on an internet site, not in my real life. I am who I am. Unfortunately or fortunately, I am not happy with who I am. I see only parts of what I can improve, and that is only after I make mistakes that have no "undo" button. Things that I have to live with. I know that many learn to deal with situations better, that it's part of life, but I am already into early adulthood and I feel like a child that doesn't know how to handle life even when it smacks me in the face. I wish you all a good week, and oh my gosh.. to those that I haven't been good enough to or have made mistakes with, regardless of what I thought in the heat of the moment, wherever you are in the world (so many, I can't even try to list them all), I am so sorry for my actions and please forgive me. I blame myself for any part I had in not doing things better, being a better person. I don't want drama. I want to feel better and be a better person. I want you all to feel better. And I wish this post didn't have such a negative tone to it. I feel terrible about this and a lot of things right now. I want to tell myself that there is nothing to embarrassed about, but I feel embarrassed anyway. But I needed to let this out. It was and is dogging me night and day; my pride wants me to not appear needy or reach out so publicly. Yet another frustrating side to me. Please take good care. =[
Just another fellow who is he who he is,
Speedy