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asexual coming out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by leftoutsidealone, Jul 15, 2008.

  1. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    I'm coming out, now, I think it's all clear to me. I've had three brief unhappy relationships with men in the past, two of them even included sex. But after being dumped for the last time a year and a half back, I think I no longer want any relationship, with anyone. I find thoughts of intimacy physically repulsive (with the exception of a professional masseuse, I always go to a female one, can't imagine a male putting his hands on me). So I think I'm asexual really. Would be glad to meet someone of my kind here.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Your feelings about men sounds so understandable :hug: and about feeling like you don't want men to touch your body. I'm not asexual myself but I don't see it as any different from people who are interested in sex.

    I'm sure there are lots of people who feel like you. When I'm depressed myself, my interest in sex goes downhill. I've been at points in my life when I'm not interested in anybody touching me, but then that does change.

    Take care.
  3. sandalwood

    sandalwood Well-Known Member

    i can completely understand where you are coming from. i have a history of broken relationships due to a complete loss of libido, and am currently in a relationship where the same pattern is emerging. i have been told it could be due to depression, but personally i'm not sure if its just something in my design. i think this is more common a thing than many people may realize, and for all different reasons.. have you always had this feeling, or is it a recent thing?

    this is an interesting read if you were more curious about it:-

  4. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    thanks sandalwood!

    while a teenager, I never had any interest towards the representatives of opposite sex, nor to those of my own. other girls would hang Take That posters on their wall, and soon start dating or at least flirting with boys in the school. I never did either. when I started college, my best friend (who had started going out with boys at age 16) was already in her second steady relationship. seemed like all girls had a boyfriend, and I started to think I must have one too, but never liked anyone enough. the true tragedy happened when due to certain inconvenience, I visited a gynecologist at age 20. she (the gynecologist) was very condescending, and told me that it's shameful for a girl my age not to have done "it" yet. so of course I felt that there's something wrong with me, and I started internet dating. thus one year later I met a guy 7 years my senior. his e-mails were interesting and intelligent, and I started to like him. so we met up in real life, and after some dates, he invited me to his place. he made a move on me, and I let him proceed. the act was painful, and I could've asked him to stop before physically losing my virginity, but to me it was lost already, since he had seen me naked and touched me where no-one else had touched me before. so I suffered through this agonizing night that seemed to last for ages. it was followed by two days of bleeding. he, however, had lost interest towards me after having his way. I moved away from the region, to continue my studies. I saw movies where everyone seemed to enjoy sex and I so much wanted to erase my horrible experience (I still wish now that I had never done it). then I met a guy with whom I fell in love for the first time in my life. it was a romantic relationship that didn't get further from kisses. and it faded away when ocean came between us. I was sad, I had become to enjoy attention and company, that someone appreciates me. then I met another guy, and for him, kisses were not enough. he demanded a lot from me, but gave little in return. I cannot continue telling the story right now because I'm flooding my keyboard. It's been more than two years since the last time he dumped me, but it's still hard on me.
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi girl, it looks to me that the guy you met (the one you lost you verginity to)
    well from what you said i think he raped you...
    Im not 100% sure becouse i dont know all the details
    but i do know that there are guys who do such things..
    its a known tactic to get sex, charm a girl, invite her to your place
    do what you want, then forget about her.. as sad as it is, this things are well known.

    The reson i think it was a rape, it becouse when girls doing it for the
    first time, the male must do few things so that it will be less painful for the girl
    the fact you was bleeding for 2 days, tells me that maybe he was violent.
    Usally when a girl loosing her verginity, sometimes there is bleeding but only for a min or so.
    Yet i heard that when girl is raped she may bleed for several days...

    In the end, i dont really think you are asexual, i just think you went threw
    difficult expiriance, i think you were raped, and that left you with fear.
    you didnt liked it, sure you dont, there is nothing to like about rape...
    Maybe if the guy was serius and really liked you, he could be gental
    and to turn you first sexual expiriance into something great.
  6. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    yes, Summer.Rain, I've had this suspicion myself, but I push this thought away subconsciously, as it makes the whole episode much more traumatic to tolerate in my memory that I can't control. either way, the damage was done, for life.
    anyway, I will continue where I left off. so I was 24 when after a year and a half of hectic on-off relationship with my second boyfriend (and for the sake of clarity, if you want to follow, the second guy I ever had sex with, and the first with whom I did it more than once) he finally left me for good (although at the time, it seemed to me "for bad" rather than "for good"). I totally lost control, I had crying episodes that in the beginning I tried to hide taking long breaks in the bathroom, or showing up late at work or sometimes not at all excusing myself with flu. I tried to get help, but since I'm not a citizen where I live, the local mental help center refused to do anything for me. I asked them in despair what to do, and all they could recommend was the emergency room of local hospital. so I took a bus there. the psychiatrist who received me there wasn't very helpful, his attitude was sort of like "come on, you're not the first one who's been dumped, get over it, stop acting like a little girl". determined to get help, I then looked for a private shrink, hoping they'd me more compassionate. found a female shrink. I think she totally didn't understand me. so I gave up the idea that psychotherapy can help and asked her for pills (=antidepressants). she gave them without much questioning. so I spent a year on pills. I never ever cried, so that was a good thing. however, I became totally indifferent towards everything, and my studies were not going well. also, I started having weird dreams. not really nightmares, but somewhat disturbing. I was afraid of losing my own self, and my studies, which was my whole life, the only thing I could rely on. so I made the decision to come off the pills, browsed internet first, so I knew to do it gradually. about this time, I met my third boyfriend. I started to hope that maybe I'm out of this hole now, I can get my life on track. He was very nice to me, and also very gentle in intimate situations, I think he was the first one who made love to me, although he didn't love me. my imaginary happiness didn't last long. he was in the area only for a few months visit. I went to visit him once, but after that he told that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. so again I was rejected and fell back into depression. I opted not to return to pills if I can avoid it, so the depressive episodes come and go. my studies are nearing their end. I'm almost 27 now. I feel totally alone, as all the few friends I've made in my life are married/getting married/in a serious relationship. my best friend tried sending me to dancing lessons, but physical proximity with men was repulsive to me, so i quit.
    weekends are especially difficult for me, as I am alone in my apartment, and whenever I let my mind rest from work, bad memories attack me. I don't know what will come of my life. I need to find a job next year. sometimes I just think, who needs me anyway. I'm not brilliant in what I'm doing, and outside of my studies (that are about to finish soon) - I don't have any life. so why keep the physical life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 18, 2008
  7. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    leftoutsidealone your story makes me want to cry :(
    a life with so much pain in it, i wish i could be there near you.
    I am a 23 years old guy, i know that if only i could be there near you
    i could support you, and help you as much as i can in any way possible
    even though you feel like you cant touch a guy, i wish i could be
    there so that you will undarstand that not everyone are bad, that
    there are guys over there who are nice, and supportive.
    I wish i could hug you, in thos days when you feel like you are so alone :(
  8. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    thank you Summer.Rain, it's something to know that someone on this forum is supportive to me right now. I handle myself just fine most of the time, but sometimes I run out of strength, feel like my life is ruined, that's there's nothing to look forward to. I know I should feel happy that I'm not homeless, not suffering from deadly diseases yet, have means to buy food (even though sometimes I don't care enough to eat) etc. still, sometimes the waves just crash above my head.
  9. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im glad i could, at least somewhat, to light up some sort of light
    to keep you warm, and to light your way. I sure know how its like to starve
    myself, sometimes i even forget to eat, like for a whole day...
    Be strong girl, i bealive you will find someone, who is good enough
    to have such a wounderful girl like you, near him.
  10. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    When my depression first striked, I used to have weekends where I lay motionless on the bed, not eating, not doing anything but crying sometimes. sometimes just staring at the ceiling. wishing I wouldn't wake up after I fall asleep. It hasn't gotten that bad yet after quitting pills. I hope it won't. Perhaps this forum is helping.
    But I seriously doubt I'll ever be able to trust someone again. Before, I used to think everything's still ahead of me. As I grow older, it no longer seems this way.
  11. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    I'm a aromantic asexual, and going for 27 this year too actually (yes, aging sucks). Physical contact have always disgusted me. I had a period where I really tried to push myself into things, because there's a certain pressure coming when all the old classmates are in relationships and a lot of them have families of their own, but I just couldn't do it and it really drove me crazy for a while. I didn't figure out that I was A until a few months ago actually, due to someone cornering me and asking questions about my sexual orientation, which ended with that person yelling out "BUT YOU CAN'T BE NOTHING AT ALL!".

    I'm terribly sorry to read about your bad experiences. There are those who desire relationships without "all the intimacy", finding them is the tricky part...
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm also 27 and still a virgin. I don't believe that I'm asexual, since I do like women, but I haven't put much effort into actually developing a meaningful relationship. Plus, I do enjoy masturbation and having orgasms from time to time, and I think to be truly asexual, you have to have absolutely no interest in sex. I suppose people who are asexual can have plutonic relationships (no sex involved), though the hard part is finding someone who's like this. Maybe we should start an asexual dating site?
  13. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I hope it is what you truly want and not a decision just becaues of a few bad experiences :smile:
  14. isomyriad

    isomyriad Member

    Left-alone- I found your words greatly saddening, and though I have no experience of the specifics, I have a huge sympathy for the feelings manifest in your situation.I feel ashamed of my gender almost, to hear how you have been treated, and I am learning more and more of the very particular delicacy that is common to women, and am careful, I hope, to act with it in mind when it comes to my own partner. In sharing your story though, I think you have been very brave, and just continuing through such hardship takes great courage itself. Whether an appreciation of that is any comfort or not, I'm not sure, but regardless, if it is ever the case that you'd like someone to talk with about anything at all,beyond the posts, and the caring and wonderful folk like Rain here, send me a message...
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Asexuals Anonymous?
  16. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Perhaps I too am asexual.

    I have had sex but I've never enjoyed it.
    I've done it with people who love and people who use.
    I don't know if it's how I feel about the person or if it's just a feeling of disgust.
    I have had my share of bad sexual experiences and all of them left me feeling wrong or unhappy.
  17. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    thanks again for all kind thoughts and support.
    I've been away from the site. I was working really hard for past month, and now I'm so worn out and exhausted. I am so totally for the idea of asexual dating site (I checked out asexuality.org - although informative, not much to do in the forums for someone my age, or so was my impression). When times get rough for me, I so much long for a good friend whom I could hug without being afraid he'll get some ideas, you know... That's why I can't go on "normal" dates, I'm just freaked out by guys trying to get their hands on me. I'm so paranoid I gave up dancing lessons - I was thinking my partner was taking an interest in me and that made me disgusted (dancing with the teacher felt OK because I knew his hold was only professional).
  18. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    Dave, you probably meant platonic not plutonic, although the whole asexuality movement does seem to be a little underground thing. Don't be offended, I really needed a good laugh :smile:
  19. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I hope I don't offend the OP with my view. But, a lot of studies (I've read) seem to think that a complete lack of libido is a sign of poor health, physically or mentally. Now, obviously for you to enjoy that area of life again, you'd need someone that is very patient and cares about you.

    As for the rape thing, did you ever tell him to stop (or give noticeable signs you weren't enjoying it)?
  20. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    Clearly, getting abused by someone doesn't boost anyone's mental health, now does it? Especially if it's not just one man, but several (starting with my so-called biological father whom I've never met in my life)
    As I explained in earlier posts, I could've told him to stop, but as hard as it may be to understand to a by-stander, for me my virginity was lost from the moment he saw me naked, and having to live on with knowledge he did it to me but my hymen is still intact was just as bad as suffering the extra hour (I don't know how long it took in real time) to get it over with, to the very end. I still don't understand how he or anyone could enjoy himself with a girl who's crying from pain.
    I've long ago lost all hope of meeting someone who cares.